Am I wrong for saying I can't do this anymore with my youngest?

[tryingmybest61]

I never thought I’d post on here but I read sometimes and I dont really know who else to ask because my DDs all tell me I need to think about myself and I cant seem to do that. Sorry if this goes on a bit.

I’m 61 and have got 4 children. My youngest is my DS who is 17. There is quite a big age gap because I had him when I was 44 and his sisters were all much older by then. People always have something to say about that but thats just how life happened.

His dad and me were only together about 6 months before it all ended. He ended up going to prison before DS was born and never met him when he was little. He didnt suddenly appear wanting to be a father either. He had absolutely nothing to do with him until 2020 when DS was already growing up. I felt pushed into allowing contact because everyone says a boy needs his dad and maybe I believed it as well.

It wasnt proper contact anyway. He would ring for a while then disappear. Promise to visit then cancel. DS used to sit waiting and then pretend it didnt matter. Looking back maybe it mattered more than I realised.

Something changed towards the end of 2023. I cant even put my finger on exactly what. He just wasnt himself anymore. He got angry easier. Started saying everyone was against him. Then his dad died in April 2024 and although they never had much of a relationship it seemed to make everything even worse.

Its just me and him here most of the time now. My girls have got their own families and jobs. They visit when they can but its mainly me and DS day in day out.

He hardly ever goes out. College and home thats about it and even college he moans about. Hes got no proper friends. There was one girl he spoke to quite a bit and I actually felt relieved because I thought maybe he was making a friend at last but then she stopped speaking to him. I found out afterwards hed been asking her over and over for nude pictures and telling her she belonged to him and she was his. She blocked him in the end. I was mortified.

He spends hours online, sleeps all day if he can, stays awake half the night and barely washes unless I nag him. If I mention getting a job or joining something he says I want rid of him. If I go to one of my DDs houses he gets funny and says I care about them more. Hes even looked through my phone before because he thought I was talking about him.

We row over silly things like washing up or taking rubbish out. One day he smashed one of my mugs against the kitchen wall because I asked him to put some plates away. Afterwards he cried and apologised and I believed him.

The worst part is he has raised his hand to me before. The first time he grabbed my arm and lifted his hand like he was going to hit me then stopped. He promised me it would never happen again and I believed that too because hes my son. Not long after he did hit me across the face in an argument. I still remember the shock more than anything. Hes bigger than me now.

Afterwards he kept saying sorry and saying Im all hes got and if I leave him he’ll have nobody. Sometimes I feel guilty even thinking badly about him because his life hasnt exactly been straightforward and maybe Ive made mistakes. Maybe letting his dad back in was one of them. Maybe I should have done more years ago. I honestly dont know anymore.

My DDs keep saying I need to get proper help and stop making excuses. I worry if I ring anyone they’ll think Im a bad mum or they’ll make everything worse. Hes only 17 and I keep thinking what if he changes, what if this is just a phase, but then I also find myself jumping if I hear him shouting from upstairs.

Am I being unreasonable for saying I cant do this anymore? Does anyone understand what I mean because I feel awful even writing it down.

Your daughters are right, you need to get some help. His behaviour is abusive and escalating and you don’t feel safe in your own home. You need to speak to someone before he really hurts you.

Have you posted this story previously, in the last couple of years because it sounds extremely familiar. I am not doubting you're genuine, just questioning if you've written this out previously, and if so what help / advice did you get then that you're not taking?

So he’s never had a father figure in his life, you were already 44 when you had him and all his siblings are older, the poor kid was set up for failure from the beginning.

Did he receive any kind of support after his father died?

Do you have an Andys mans club local, whilst i know he is 17 not yet 18 it maybe that he benefits going to there to talk through things and having other males to listen to him?

Thank you. My DDs have been saying that for months now and I keep saying I’ll sort it then I dont. I think because when hes calm hes just my little boy again and I think maybe we’ve turned a corner then something else happens.

No I havent posted before. This is honestly my first time on here. I have read for years but never been brave enough to write anything myself. Maybe someone else has had something similar happen. I wish this wasnt familiar if I’m honest.

No he never really had a father figure. My own dad died years before DS was born and his dad just wasnt there apart from those few years where he came and went as he pleased. After he died there wasnt any support really. School knew he’d died but that was about it. DS wouldnt talk to anybody anyway. I asked him if he’d speak to someone and he said he wasnt mad and wasnt going to sit in a room talking to strangers.

I do feel guilty because I do wonder if I got things wrong somewhere along the line but at the same time I never expected to be frightened of my own son. Thats the bit I cant get my head around.

I'm so sorry - what a difficult position to be in. It is an abusive relationship, please get some help. Don't get sucked into feeling guilt about his upbringing, thinking this won't escalate, etc. It already has escalated, and child-parent violence is a real thing. Sending support and a hand-hold.