Aibu about partners social media habits? Also mentions sex and self esteem

[TheWolfTheRamandTheHart]

This morning me and my partner were both sat next to each other doom scrolling and glancing at each others phones to look at the occasional video.
My partner's social media feed was full of half naked woman (probably more accurate to say young adults) wearing underwear/bikinis and gyrating about jiggling their breats.

I felt irrationally angry and disrespected although I can't fully explain why. I know he uses porn, and I don't like that either, but he's never done it somewhere that I can see and we have never really had a proper conversation about it.

For further context, and I believe this is relevant, I do not have great self esteem to start with. I am late thirties, he is in his fourties and we have been together for 6 years. We are getting married next month.

Prior to me, he was single from being 18 due to having significant caring responsibilities for a family member. I had children young - he had never seen naked or slept with a woman who has had children until me. He has always struggled with sex - about half of the time he can only finish by using his own hand.

I think he does love me in his own way, but he has never really given me any sort of compliment aside from 'I like your tshirt' or anything romantic or thoughtful. He even proposed to me at a concert, during a song that is notoriously known to be a breakup song (it's even called 'I don't love you') and he has loved that band for 20 years so he knew that!

Today really hit home that the bodies he is looking at, are very different to mine. I am not one of those women who 'bounced back' after babies. I've had vaginal and csection births, two of my babies were over 10lb, and I breastfed for 9 years. I have recently lost a few stone but I have loose and stretchmarked skin. There is nothing about me that is perky.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I keep crying at the thought of having sex with him now I know what sort of women he likes to look at. I really love him, and I am so attracted to him, I do not look at other men.

You are not the problem here. He's addicted to porn and incapable of having a grown up relationship. Please value yourself and get rid.

I don't know if he's addicted as I don't know how often he uses it

The fact that he's never given you any kind of compliment apart from liking your t-shirt is utterly shocking. That's not a normal loving relationship. Why are you getting married to this person?

A man who can only finish half the time with his own hand is a porn addict.

Do not marry someone you are crying about.
Call off the wedding.
Go talk your issues thru with a therapist you alone and if you decide then with him
Who is the father of your dc?

My children's dad is my ex husband, not my partner

He’s a porn addict, the red flags are there as he can’t finish during normal sex. He doesn’t make you feel loved or desired, listen to your gut. He is not the man for you and you deserve better.

This. I am not even sure he is attracted to OP and would have hesitation marrying this man.

Sorry to hear about this. Doesn’t sound normal to me. Either the openly scrolling other women or the lack of compliments or the sex issues.

Can you tell us a bit about his good points and why you want to marry him?

From what you’ve posted you’re just going to get loads of comments telling you to call of the wedding, which you are obviously not going to do at this stage. If you bring a bit of balance you might get more useful advice.

I had a similar feelings about my partner, although I hadn't actually seen him looking he followed a few questionable people on Instagram.
Ultimately, I decided that the way he treats me and the things he does for me outweighed him possibly looking at women online.
But whilst getting to that point, I had to consider that everyone looks, EVERYONE. Even women will look at other people's bodies. It isn't something we can really control. Just because hes doing it doesn't mean he thinks any less of you or doesn't fancy you. Theyre just nice to look at.
I think you need to work on how you see yourself really. Any man will look, its everywhere, unavoidable really.
He lives you, he's marrying you, I assume he has good qualities. Focus on that and your self esteem.

As already stated, him only being able to finish himself off is classic porn addiction.

Well this is a conversation you should be having with him, now, before you get married.
You need to know why he watches it, what sort he watches how often and what he gets out of it.

He needs to know how his porn use makes you feel.

It’s not just the ubiquity of modern pornography that’s the issue, it’s that it disregards the idea that women should have pleasure in sex entirely. It treats women as objects to hurt and humiliate rather than a human being to be respected and considered in a pleasurable activity for both parties.

Girls are being told to think that being choked is normal. That they must agree to anal sex.
That their pleasure is irrelevant.
It’s a disturbing and distressing distillation of all the rampant misogyny we are dealing with.

Please don't marry this man.
Your self esteem will improve tremendously if you end the relationship.

He gets his sexual gratification from watching women being violated, exploited and abused. He sees women as objects to be used. He is not capable if a nornal relationship with a real woman OP.

This is nothing to do with you. It's about his porn addiction and his objectification of women. You deserve so much better

why wee you marrying him?

Eugh, why would you want to marry this man.

I am marrying him because I love him. He is great with my children. We have the same sort of interests and enjoy the same sort of activities and holidays. I like being around him. He makes me laugh.

The porn isn't the main issue for me, maybe because I've not had it shoved in my face. The more I think about it, I think I am more hurt because I've seen first hand that the women he wants to look at are so very different from me, they have big boobs and are slim and have lots of obvious facial fillers (which he told me he doesn't like, when I was considering it).

I think the feeling I have been struggling to name, is humiliation.

Do you know that that's what he wants to look at though?

My Facebook feed will regularly start chucking photos and videos or semi naked women at me for days at a time for no good reason.

Last week it kept showing me posts from some bikini cafe in Australia. DP was sat next to me at the time and wasn't particularly impressed. I have no idea why other than I'm male and it thinks that must be something I want to see. Most of the time it's just lego, rollercoaster videos, and the historical association of my town, and then for about 4 days every other post is some woman in skimpy swimwear.

I was going to ask this too, my Facebook feed is basically just collagen and ADHD because I'm 40+ with a young child and once in the past clicked on a couple of things! I don't want to see any of it to be honest but I can't get rid of it even if I say I want to see less of it.

Before you follow PPs' advice and ditch him, you should talk to him about this and how you're feeling, about all of it, the lack of compliments etc. You might find it's not what you think at all!

He’s a good pal, then, but the sex and romance isnt up to much. Only you can decide if that’s a marriage you want.

I did make a sarcastic comment this morning along the lines of 'oh I see what you've been looking at in your spare time' and he laughed and said yeah. Then he changed the subject and got ready for work.

He sounds lovely on the one hand but a partner isn’t meant to make you cry or feel humiliated. Talk to him before the wedding. Better to leave now than feel like shit til the divorce.

The finishing by hand could be a symptom of death grip from too much porn - google it and see if it fits but MN does seem to be obsessed with it so use your own research to make up your mind.

Thank you. Sometimes he can finish with me, either via penetrative or oral sex. It's roughly half the time that he can't. When we first got together he couldn't for about 6 monthd but it gradually got better. He says it's nerves.

I just broached the subject again with him and he said it's the same as looking at a car he can't afford. So I said, what like something better than what you have? And he said yeah. So now I know what he thinks of me

Ouch !
Sorry OP, but I think you need to re-think this relationship.

I think it’s called ‘ settling’. Hey ho.