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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday? FOLLOW UP

17 replies

georgiexox · Yesterday 10:50

Hi all...don't really have anything to update on at the moment but someone on the other thread suggested i start a new one so here we are! I am going to speak to the bf over the next couple of days, really need to get to the bottom of everything and some kind of understanding.

Also wanted to say thanks to all the kind people who offered advice and support, it means a lot.

(first thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5550010-aibu-to-think-my-partner-could-have-been-a-bit-more-understanding-on-holiday)

OP posts:
Motnigh · Yesterday 10:52

Good luck, Op.

Maybeinameeting · Yesterday 10:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StationJack · Yesterday 10:54

Thanks @georgiexox .
Hope you get lots of support and helpful advice.

randomchap · Yesterday 10:58

Good luck. Hope things get better for you

SpaceRaccoon · Yesterday 11:01

OP I feel like some posters on the previous thread were trying to gaslight you to ignore your gut instinct about this guy because of your BMI, like it has to be all your fault. I'm glad you're standing firm against that.

georgiexox · Yesterday 11:03

SpaceRaccoon · Yesterday 11:01

OP I feel like some posters on the previous thread were trying to gaslight you to ignore your gut instinct about this guy because of your BMI, like it has to be all your fault. I'm glad you're standing firm against that.

Thank you so much.

People can go on all they want about my weight and i'm sure they will but they're not telling me anything I don't already know, or feel ten times more about myself. I know I need to sort it out.

But it's still a different matter than the issue with my bf as far as i'm concerned.

OP posts:
Homeiswherethedogsare · Yesterday 11:52

@georgiexox But what exactly is the problem right now?
You spoke to him and he was initially a bit dismissive but then you managed to have a conversation about what happened.
He told you your weight isn’t a problem for him and he is attracted to you.
You can’t change what happened in Lisbon so either you move on or you leave him because of that, I guess? What is it exactly that you’d like from him at this point (asking this as a genuine question)?

BeDandyDenimSloth · Yesterday 12:10

It seems what you each wanted from this holiday wasn’t compatible and you should both have discussed your expectations beforehand. As you have been in a relationship for a while he should understand what level of activity you are capable of and the situation could have been managed better to allow you enough rest stops but I don’t actually think his behaviour is too bad as we can all get frustrated with a partner. However he can’t have it both ways saying he likes you the way you are and finds you attractive and still expecting you to be as active as a much slimmer fitter person. For you do you like your lifestyle as things are or do you really want to change for your own sake not his

StationJack · Yesterday 12:44

OP needs to lose quite a bit of weight and a supportive partner will help.
Not someone who says she's fine as she is.
Would the partner be prepared to adopt a healthier diet? Not make jibes about cakes?
Would he be there for her emotionally?
Would he encourage her to become fitter?

Would he listen to her concerns and consider both partners, not expect her to fit in with her plans and sulk if she didn't?

The city break showed some flaws in the relationship. Can they be fixed?

Homeiswherethedogsare · Yesterday 12:58

StationJack · Yesterday 12:44

OP needs to lose quite a bit of weight and a supportive partner will help.
Not someone who says she's fine as she is.
Would the partner be prepared to adopt a healthier diet? Not make jibes about cakes?
Would he be there for her emotionally?
Would he encourage her to become fitter?

Would he listen to her concerns and consider both partners, not expect her to fit in with her plans and sulk if she didn't?

The city break showed some flaws in the relationship. Can they be fixed?

But that wasn't the topic she had tried to address. She asked him if he finds her attractive and he said yes. If he said no, you would all be here saying how awful he is and that a real partner would love and like her no matter what etc etc.

I think if OP sat down with him to have a frank discussion about weight loss and how he could support her in her journey, maybe he will be on board - we don't know because this hasn't yet happened (or at least OP didn't mention that in any of her posts).

OP, I am not sure what you are trying to get from this second post but you have already received almost 1000 replies in your previous one, clearly showing you that the situation can be seen and understood from both angles.

I think you have a communication issue, mainly, but I wouldn't say he has behaved particularly badly towards you.

Facts are that:

You agreed to do this together and you have passively let him do all the planning. Understandably, he was excited about visiting Lisbon and eager to explore the city and all its beauty on foot (as it should be done) with YOU.

Once there, you were visibly struggling and unfit and although you "kept going" for the first few days, it is clear from your comment that it was always a big deal (suffering with your feet, legs, needing constant breaks, not being able to face another 30 mins walk etc) so I assume that those first few days of walking together were also not a breeze. It is, objectively, a small amount of walking you did on a city break so he clearly wasn't expecting that this would have been such a major issue for you and he was probably surprised and disappointed. To quote your OP, you said he wasn't being nasty about it, just visibly disappointed. I think that's normal.

You then decided to sit by yourself in a cafe and he continued to walk around the city by himself. You chose to do that, you could have also said "I'm taking an uber, see you at X in 30 mins" so you could have continued to explore together.

It isn't your fault if you haven't been able to handle this holiday - I assume this has been a massive wake up call and I sincerely hope you are now on a path to addressing these major health and weight issues asap as you are ruining your life and you already know that.

I can see how it was upsetting for you and how you wished he said "forget about it all, let's jump on a taxi together". I really do. But he didn't and you just need to either get on with it and move on or if it is really such a major deal, then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship, but only you know that.

What I and other posters have been trying to do is to make you see the situation from his point of view as well. I, for what is worth, would have been also disappointed if my partner was unable to keep up with 10K steps a day whilst on a city break.

StationJack · Yesterday 13:49

@Homeiswherethedogsare , I don't agree. I'd be looking at whether or not the relationship has a future.

Bigcat25 · Yesterday 14:19

I don't agree with telling you you need too loose weight. It ok to want a relaxing trip and not be more tired than when you get back. Especially in the heat.

georgiexox · Yesterday 14:20

Homeiswherethedogsare · Yesterday 12:58

But that wasn't the topic she had tried to address. She asked him if he finds her attractive and he said yes. If he said no, you would all be here saying how awful he is and that a real partner would love and like her no matter what etc etc.

I think if OP sat down with him to have a frank discussion about weight loss and how he could support her in her journey, maybe he will be on board - we don't know because this hasn't yet happened (or at least OP didn't mention that in any of her posts).

OP, I am not sure what you are trying to get from this second post but you have already received almost 1000 replies in your previous one, clearly showing you that the situation can be seen and understood from both angles.

I think you have a communication issue, mainly, but I wouldn't say he has behaved particularly badly towards you.

Facts are that:

You agreed to do this together and you have passively let him do all the planning. Understandably, he was excited about visiting Lisbon and eager to explore the city and all its beauty on foot (as it should be done) with YOU.

Once there, you were visibly struggling and unfit and although you "kept going" for the first few days, it is clear from your comment that it was always a big deal (suffering with your feet, legs, needing constant breaks, not being able to face another 30 mins walk etc) so I assume that those first few days of walking together were also not a breeze. It is, objectively, a small amount of walking you did on a city break so he clearly wasn't expecting that this would have been such a major issue for you and he was probably surprised and disappointed. To quote your OP, you said he wasn't being nasty about it, just visibly disappointed. I think that's normal.

You then decided to sit by yourself in a cafe and he continued to walk around the city by himself. You chose to do that, you could have also said "I'm taking an uber, see you at X in 30 mins" so you could have continued to explore together.

It isn't your fault if you haven't been able to handle this holiday - I assume this has been a massive wake up call and I sincerely hope you are now on a path to addressing these major health and weight issues asap as you are ruining your life and you already know that.

I can see how it was upsetting for you and how you wished he said "forget about it all, let's jump on a taxi together". I really do. But he didn't and you just need to either get on with it and move on or if it is really such a major deal, then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship, but only you know that.

What I and other posters have been trying to do is to make you see the situation from his point of view as well. I, for what is worth, would have been also disappointed if my partner was unable to keep up with 10K steps a day whilst on a city break.

I didn't ask him whether he found me attractive and thats not what I said in the post on the last thread. I said to him that I felt like he was angry with me/embarrassed about my weight, and it was him who started talking about finding me attractive, sexy etc.

OP posts:
Homeiswherethedogsare · Yesterday 14:30

georgiexox · Yesterday 14:20

I didn't ask him whether he found me attractive and thats not what I said in the post on the last thread. I said to him that I felt like he was angry with me/embarrassed about my weight, and it was him who started talking about finding me attractive, sexy etc.

Ok fair. But what I am asking is, what is it exactly that you'd like now? You had this discussion with him, the holiday went the way it went, you have seen from 1000+ comments that people could see the situation from both angles so it isn't a matter of him being a horrible man and you being a victim or vice versa.

What exactly would make you happy at this stage? Again, this is a genuine question as I am truly struggling to understand!

muggart · Yesterday 16:19

I just want to say that I am slim and a generally active person who lives in Lisbon and I am avoiding going out much these days. Spending hours walking up and down the hills in the heat would do me in. Actually, my friend’s dog died of heatstroke a couple of days ago over here. it’s really no wonder you struggled.

Thats not to down play your weight issues, only to explain why it’s understandable to struggle here even when you thought you wouldn’t

georgiexox · Yesterday 16:37

Homeiswherethedogsare · Yesterday 14:30

Ok fair. But what I am asking is, what is it exactly that you'd like now? You had this discussion with him, the holiday went the way it went, you have seen from 1000+ comments that people could see the situation from both angles so it isn't a matter of him being a horrible man and you being a victim or vice versa.

What exactly would make you happy at this stage? Again, this is a genuine question as I am truly struggling to understand!

That's fine, i started the new thread because some suggested I should if people want to reply.

I know there;s two separate issues to solve. One is my weight, and the other is the relationship issues, neither of them are easy but I know I need to work at it.

OP posts:
Speakeasier · Yesterday 17:10

georgiexox · Yesterday 16:37

That's fine, i started the new thread because some suggested I should if people want to reply.

I know there;s two separate issues to solve. One is my weight, and the other is the relationship issues, neither of them are easy but I know I need to work at it.

I’m worried about your health. Not to bully you. Not to shame you. And certainly not to gaslight you. But because I just feel sad when anyone is putting their future at risk. That would be the same if you were addicted to something else like alcohol or drugs.

If you were drinking two bottles of wine a day and that was affecting your ability to walk people wouldn’t be saying that you’re being gaslit when someone shows concern. Maybe it’s because I’m nearly old enough to be your grandmother and I had a difficult time when I was younger and I want other women and girls to be able to live your best life.

I think you’ve taken on board all the messages. Just to let you know that I have started threads in the past and received some very bracing replies and they helped me to change my life for the better.

Good luck OP.

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