AIBU to let my eldest stop seeing her nan after favouritism?

[EmTteapot]

I have two DD who are 14 and 16, single parent for 13 years and although they see their dad regularly they don’t see his side of the family much as we moved from near them to live near my family when we split up. DD1 was first child for their youngest son and they showered her with gifts and attention and continued to do so even after DD2 was born, to the point that I could see a massive difference in how they favoured my older daughter over her sister. The girls at that point were too young to have noticed.

I mentioned this difference in attention to my mum at the time and she took it upon herself to reset this balance by deciding DD2 would therefore receive her utmost attention. This was quite sweet at the time but as they’ve become older and particularly in the last couple of years I’ve noticed my oldest daughter has started making much more effort than any of my mums other grandchildren have, to gain my mums attention. Tonight after another visit with a ‘meh teenage performance’ from my youngest DD towards my mum and another being the most polite, interested, helpful version of herself my oldest DD could be… when we left my mum told my youngest what a bright, interesting young girl she was and that she was doing so well at school she will be a genius in any field of work she decided to peruse etc etc… then let us go without a word to my 16 year old. I’ve spoken to mum countless times about this and how it makes my eldest feel and she always brings up the fact their dad’s family treat them differently.. even though I remind her they were 1 and 3 at the time and rarely see the family anymore. Oldest doesn’t want to see her Nan anymore, she’s sick of trying and still being dismissed.. AIBU to allow her to not have to go through this anymore?.

YANBU, but it's not good for either of your DDs. I'd be keeping them both away until your mum learns to act like a reasonable mature adult.

Well, this is on you, isn’t it? The ‘favouritism’ was the other you, you brought it up, and your mother overcompensated.

You should have set your mum straight when she wanted to ‘reset ‘the balance. There was no need for that and you should be telling your older daughter why it happened so she can see it for what it was. But your mother was very immature and childish to even carry out that treatment.

Op i don't think you have any choice in the matter. If you do try to force it your going to end up hurting your DD even more and she'll walk away from you too.

Your mums favouritism should have been addressed years ago.

It drives me insane when my ils do stuff like this was go for a day out, first thing that gets age look at photos of golden grandchild

Has the girl herself spoken up?
Doesn't seem like a good idea to start a habit of avoidance.

Stop taking either of them until your mum learns to behave better, and tell her why too. You should really have addressed this years ago.

What a ridiculous thing to have started. She should have known to treat them both equally, whatever their dad's family were dy. What an idiot.

So, your mother has been acting this way for over 10 years and apart from ever so often telling her not to proritise DD2 and ignore DD1, you continued to let DD1 be exposed to this nonsense.

Now DD1 has finally had enough and doesn't want to see your mother again, you are asking us if you should let her?

It's a wonder she is still speaking to you.

I'm sorry OP, but not only am I appalled at your mum's behaviour, I'm appalled at yours too!

When your mother didn't rein her neck in years ago, you should have stopped her involvement with your girls until she started treating your eldest better.

You have helped to damage your child and her standing in the family. Soon, it will not only be your mother she is distancing herself from but you and her sister. That will be down to you from not nipping things in the bud years ago.

You should never have allowed this to go on in the first place, your mum is just continuing the behaviour you’ve know about for years and only getting called out now your DD is old enough to call it out herself.

You should’ve put your mum straight years ago not let this go on for so long, your poor daughter.

I wouldn't let her see either of them. Stop facilitating this.

No one should have to put up with what your older daughter has, but in any case she's 16. If she decided she didn't want to see YOU, or her actual DAD, that would be her choice. You can't force her to see her grandmother. Normally I'd say that you should remind her that while she may not value the relationship now she should think ahead about whether she'll regret burning bridges, but in this case they've been burning for over a decade and I'm not sure there's much to save. If there is, it almost certainly would have to start with your mother realising what she has done and apologising and trying to genuinely make amends.

Yes, your older DD should definitely stop seeing your mum while this nonsense continues. I know you've spoken to your mum about it but have you got properly angry about it? Your mum needs to realise that it's completely unacceptable!