AIBU to consider ending things after boyfriend ignored my grief?

[HousewasBurning]

One of my old friends died a few days ago. I found out late last night and I was really upset. She was one of the kindest people I know and she didn’t deserve what happened to her.

I messaged my boyfriend to tell him and explained that I was really upset. He responded saying that life was unfair etc.

We have been together a few years. We don’t live together, as he has caring responsibilities which takes up a lot of his time.

I telephoned him this morning and he didn’t ask how I was, just complained about the fact that he felt down and that losing one of his parents last year still upsets him. He is often emotional when we speak and I always do my best to comfort him.

I rang him again later this evening to check he was ok and he then spent another half hour essentially giving a monologue about his day. Much of this consisted about none of his new colleagues (I will call her Sue). So it was ‘oh sue is really nervous about doing XYZ, I told Sue this joke, I need to make sure Sue is ok so I’ll have to do XYZ for her.’

Not once did he ask how I was doing. I’ve spent most of the day feeling really upset. And still can’t believe how hard this has hit me. I’m afraid that I got a little bit annoyed and said well now that we’ve made sure Sue is ok, were you planning at any point to ask me how I am?

This then turned into him telling me that he wasn’t going to allow me to pick apart his thinking (no idea) and that he was going to ask but I didn’t give him a chance and that he wasn’t going to argue with me.

WIBU unreasonable to end things? I don’t want to act hastily but he literally does not seem to care about me in any way. Me asking for basic care is interpreted as me being critical and picking at him. I accept that his life is difficult but mine is also similar in terms of elderly parents.

Dump him. You aren't his therapist and he doesn't care a jot about your feelings.

Sorry about your friend.

He’s not thinking g of you. You deserve better. He’s totally self absorbed.
it’s nice you’ve been supportive but if it’s not two-way it’s not good enough.

I have found that relationships which may seem fine/good and even go on for years, can turn on whether your partner supports you emotionally when you are in a time of need. It’s easy to have a relationship when life is ok - it’s when life gets tough that you see whether your partner is properly there for you.
In your case OP, he seems completely uncaring towards you. So yes, best to end it.

I’m sorry for your loss @Krevlornswath 💐

So sorry for your loss. But sadly this situation has shown you his true colours. He won’t change, people who are this self centred just can’t put their own needs aside to notice yours. You’re not a priority to him and you deserve better.

I had an ex who did something similar after I had awful news about someone close to me (not a death but very upsetting). After the day I told him he never once asked how I was or how they were doing. I left two weeks later.

Thank you, that's kind. Hope you're ok OP.

Listen to what he is telling you.

I was deep into a relationship when my cat became terribly ill, I know, just a cat, but he had been with me a long time, and been my constant companion. Eventually I had to have him PTS. Boyfriend knew the day, the time etc. I heard nothing from him for 6 days. Apparently he didn’t know what to say.
I went on to marry and have three children with him. It was a terrible mistake, he was never available to me in anyway. I am still going through a very messy, expensive divorce. I wish I had regarded that and other, similar red flags with much higher regard.

Sorry op i’m going against the grain here. The way you have described your relationship to her doesn’t sound to me like a very close ‘friendship’ and therefore although it would be sad to hear of her death, I’m not sure i would expect to need to ask you if you’re ok all day like you’re properly grieving your best friend or relative.

But you don’t need justification to end the relationship. You can end it for any reason you want to.

He won’t know you mentioned her because he won’t have been listening to you, because he’s only interested in himself. Sorry if this has already been said, haven’t read all the comments.

I hope you dump him.

Hi, that’s fair enough. And I’d probably agree normally. However, this has just hit me really hard. I’m trying to be rational about it but I’m still pretty upset.

I dunno. I'll go against the grain here but I'm one of those people that really doesn't understand grief and therefore, I'm generally not great around it. I'm so black and white around death, even with my own mother who obviously I miss a lot but I was back at work the same day because I'm not a griever. That said I can appreciate when others are finding things tough.

In this case especially though, it doesn't sound like you were particularly close and I've lost a few friends in similar circumstances in the past fews. Other than the initial 'oh I am so sorry' my DH hasn't' asked anything else or checked I am okay, but I've never considered divorcing him because of it! It's my grief (or otherwise) not his. Especially if he never knew the friends.

That said, you don't need this as excuse to dump him if he has form, but if he's generally a good boyfriend, I wouldn't lose my mind over it.