AIBU to find a 50-50 parenting arrangement hard after years apart?

[Nowthatshuge]

My ex left me when the kids were 3 and 1.5?yrs old, we’ve been separated for about 10 years now and it somehow feels harder now for me in that we have a 50/50 arrangement and I HATE it. I feel it’s so unsettling for the kids being between houses so much with the weeks split in half, we have a great relationship but I never planned on being away from my kids and while I’m half their dad is around (he’s a pretty good dad nowadays) I just wish I could have them more so they have more consistency.
i know I can’t change it as he has as much right to see them as I do and I do get to see them more because of sporting events but I can’t help but feel grief for the situation.
any positive stories from parents of older kids / adult kids who have been in this situation?
please don’t come at me for complaining of them having a present dad, I know it’s heartbreaking for those who raise kids with absent or awful dads, I’m just referencing my own situation and how it feels for me.

i guess my AIBU is
yes you are being unreasonable, could always be worse
no you are not being unreasonable, it’s hard however you try and raise kids when parents are no longer together

@Nowthatshuge
My boys were court-enforced 50/50 when they were just 3 and 6. As time went on my ex-husband re-applied for more custody and was granted it. Mostly due to the difference in living arrangements which are still present a decade on; his house is worth around £1 million and the boys have the downstairs to themselves with a swimming pool and hot tub - ours is privately rented as can't afford to buy. That was part of the "punishment" too. And what will "win over" two teenage boys?!!
They are 16 and 18 now and with a half-sister (my 6 yo daughter with my second).
Do think 50/50 was the right decision for them? Absolutely not.
But I/they had no choice as I married a coercively controlling narcissist and "losing them" was my ultimate punishment.
At least I came away with my personal freedom and feel safe now.
Please ask away if you have any more questions. 50/50 is very challenging.

How good is your relationship and communication? A contact schedule which worked for younger children doesn’t necessarily work for teens and doesn’t have to be fixed forever - if you get on well can the two of you and both the children talk about how you all feel and what they want the next few years to look like? Maybe the DC would prefer alternate weeks rather than splitting the week if they find that unsettling; maybe they’d like the option to pick some of the time as it suits them; maybe they’d like to stay with one of you for longer at some times. Often choice and agency is just as important to children and teens.

My friend has 50/50 with his ex and after they separated they chose have a more relaxed 50/50 with some flexibility rather than “my days, your days.” Obviously this isn’t possible for everyone, but it’s worked really well for them over the years: nowadays the DC are young teens and more or less choose which house they’ll head to after school and where they’ll be at the weekend (obviously also dependent on each parent’s schedules) rather than having to follow a strict changeover plan. Sometimes they’ll end up with one child each for a couple of days (nice for individual bonding time, important for teens with different schedules and interests), sometimes the DC will be with one or the other parent all week, sometimes they’ll alternate nights. Because they live close to each other, it’s no problem for a DC to drop by one parent’s house because they want to collect something they forgot or want on their way to the other parent’s house. Everyone is content.

I would have, and still would, hate being split between 2 houses. Especially on school/work days.
Do the children want 50/50. Would ex be up for discussions around what would work better for them?

I have a three year old with a dad that left me during pregnancy amd he occasionally threatens me with this which terrifies me as I don’t want our child to be exposed to him and his anger and negligence that much, and I know I would still do all the admin etc but have him micromanaging and bullying me even more than he does now. My son would never be settled.

how did they give it to him? Surely at that age a house with a pool is more of a risk and danger than a benefit? Or was it the former family home so they thought the kids would like to spend more time there? Was he a hands on dad doing school pick ups before the split? How far away do you live from each other?

Op if you don’t like it perhaps you could ask dc how they feel and offer a conversation about a different set up. The risk then is they might choose his house over yours of course!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Funnily enough he wasn't in the million pound property when the divorce was going through - remarkably he went from earning a six figure salary to £26k pa when we were in the former family home. Waited of course until the divorce was finalised to move. Hmmmm.
No - he never did any of the school runs or any childcare before we split as that is "woman's work" - I was absolutely the primary carer.
It has been bloody hard as he continued to control through the children and if I wanted A for them he would deliberately want B (this included him prohibiting them from having vaccines). And of course there was never any financial support or maintenance. Thank God I didn't give up my teaching as he had pushed me to do!
We have always lived in the same town; about half an hour from each other.