AIBU to think this isn’t how you solve an argument??? Fucking silent treatment then pretend it’s fine

[Canwejusthaveasecond]

Me and DH had a busy up over the weekend, about some shitty moods and behaviour from him. He’s a dickhead when he’s in a mood and just makes me feel like shit - snappy, moody and generally just not good to be around. I always disengage when he raises his voice.

This time I am fed up beyond belief. He got plastered on Saturday and was a general waste of space Sunday. I asked him to help me with bringing something from the car and I heard him say under his breath “this bitch”. I told him it wasn’t acceptable and how it made me feel. He said he was only joking around, he knew I’d hear it, and that he was sorry if I was upset. I said he didn’t understand the impact it had on me, and in a long list of insults, it was the last straw.

He woke up this morning and tried to act normal. I was quiet. Then this evening I asked him if we were going to do our usual routine.

Usually after an argument, I am upset, he pretends everything’s normal, this drifts into silence from us for days and then eventually pretending everything’s fine. I hate it.

I just want to talk about how I feel, I want to know why he said it. Aibu to think this is the only way to actually remedy a conflict?

My ex was like this, only it wasn’t forgotten about the next day. Once he didn’t speak to me for 6wks. In a small terrace house. I left him of course.

Any kids?

He’s a child. A massive child. Silent treatment until he decides it stops is a form of abuse.

What are his redeeming features? What does he bring to your life? Posts like these are so fucking depressing.

People will tell you silent treatment is the worst thing you can ever do but a more generous and human way to view it is we all fall back on certain responses and behaviours to feel safe in unsafe situations.

his may not be great but that doesn’t mean you’re right either- if you want to stay together you need to work out how you can both deal with this in a way that’s tolerable.

My ex was also like this but usually for no apparent reason and for much longer periods. He couldn’t manage his emotions or any kind of conflict with others (usually his ex) without taking it out on me. Life was stressful and quite often unpleasant.
I left and now it’s not.
He won’t change so it’s up to you whether you live like this or leave.

This just sounds totally exhausting to be honest - why are you together if he’s grumpy and moody all the time, gets plastered so the weekends are written off, calls you a bitch and then gives you the silent treatment for days before starting again and repeating the process?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Couples counselling? If he does this regularly, you will care less each time and eventually reach a place where you just can't be bothered to engage with him any more. He needs to understand that it's a drip drip that will eventually kill the relationship.

Are you sure you’re not with my exH? It’s horrible. Nothing is ever resolved and then brought up again in the next row. And so it goes round and round.

You told him how you felt, he said sorry, you said it's the last straw. He acted like nothing happened and you went quiet, is that right? That's how I read or but PPs seem to be taking it as he is the one that is giving the silent treatment rather than you.

Tell him you need to discuss it as you don't want the cycle to keep repeating it itself as it's unpleasant for both of you. Otherwise he acts badly says sorry, thinks that ok and repeats. It's not on. Doesn't sound like he wad genuinely sorry if he was disguising it as a joke. Otherwise you could say you miserable dickhead and then oh sorry if I upset you, I was only joking.

@Canwejusthaveasecond is giving us the silent treatment

Why are you still in this “relationship”?

I am uncertain who is giving who the silent treatment.

But either way, it doesn't sound a match made in heaven.

Both of you need to want to change this pattern otherwise you will still be doing it when you are 85.

I’ll be honest. I have a tendency to go round and round in circles if my DH has upset me, it’s something I’m working on.

You called him out on his actions. It doesn’t say he got defensive, he said he was joking, didn’t think you’d hear and apologised. Then you went quiet and want to start the whole argument again…

Hes said why he said it and apologised. You’ve told him the impact it had on you. What is to be achieved by bringing it up again?

Perhaps the conversation should be about if you should stay together if you really think he repeatedly call you derogatory names? Going over the same incident and giving each other the silent/quiet treatment won’t fix anything.