AIBU to wonder why strangers always seem to approach me?

[NotTodayPhyllis]

I am just curious wondering if this happens to other people or if I just give off a certain vibe…

Every time I’m walking somewhere or in my town centre or for example the gym or supermarket I get approached by strangers.

I get asked for directions fairly often when people must have GPS on their phone and there are other people around, I went for a walk last week and was stopped twice.

I’m in my town centre today just doing a bit of shopping and so far I’ve had the following:

I stopped to put some shopping in a bag on a bench and a woman in her 80’s has been telling me her life story.
I kept saying I had to go and she kept talking and I felt guilty because she must be lonely so I ended up sat with her for 20 minutes.

I went to a cafe for a drink and sat at an empty table. There were loads of tables free but a woman with her two kids sat next to me and started chatting. She asked if I had children and when I said no her kids asked me over and over why I didn’t until I joked and said I eat children and one started crying which was so awkward,

I’ve been asked directions twice despite town being full of people,

A man asked me where my trainers were from (who knows why?!) and he started asking me loads of questions as well about myself and I kept saying again I had to go but he wouldn’t stop talking until I said I was late for an appointment and now I’m hoping I don’t run into him again.

I’m ND and not very comfortable talking to strangers and when they ask questions I know the polite thing is to ask questions back but I never know what to say or ask.
I often get people sitting next to me on trains or buses with other seats free and I’m not exaggerating when I say this happens all the time. I think it must be unusual but maybe some people will post saying they have similar experiences.

I’m average looking except for being very short (4’9) and I don’t think I come across as that approachable because I’m so shy, I avoid eye contact when I’m out and about.

I’m currently in therapy to work on my self esteem and being a people pleaser and terrified of confrontation so I’ve brought it up before because I end up stuck in conversations I feel guilty ending.
My therapist thinks my height makes me look unthreatening and so people are happy to come and chat and I can understand that for something like directions but not for a man to ask about my children’s size 1 trainers!

I wondered if it happens to anyone else and if anyone has any theories why?
My DP said I must just have “one of those faces” but I don’t know what that means 😂.

I'm ND too.

I get this but too but not to the extent you do, probably because I gave up trying to people please decades ago.

I think people do it to us for two reasons.

1. We are short, dont look hard faced, and therefore seem safe and approachable. For you this continues too long as you're too polite to cut them short when you've had enough.
2. Creeps. Some people sense our difference. Our lack of eye contact. Our vulnerability. These are the ones that sit next to us on an empty bus or train. They know we're uncomfortable and get a kick out of it. These are also the ones that ask us about something to lure us into conversation when they know we don't want to. Don't sit in a window seat op. Sit in an aisle seat unless the train/bus is full. If someone like shoe man tries to stop you say thanks and keep walking!

I'm often envious of my sister's RBF as she rarely ever gets those problem. 😂

Funnily enough I was talking to my adult son about this recently. I was telling him about how, when I was younger, peoole were always approaching me to ask for directions, the time, what bus to get etc. I was telling him about an occasion when I was in my twenties when my mother came to visit and we were out and about and she was amazed at the number of people who came up to me - I was painfully shy as a child and teenager and she was quite impressed. She told me, as your partner did OP, that I must gave one of those faces.Probably one of the nicest things she ever said to me actually.

I don't get people approaching me now , apart from on the rare occasions when I'm relaxed and happy and confident.

My mum always had this happen to her!

I also seem to attract children or people with learning difficulties. I guess it's because I possibly engage back.
My husband and kids often wander off when this happens so I am left with a stranger.

My Mum has this issue and she's very shy and would love to be invisible half the time.

I remember years ago when she took me to a hospital appointment a lady latched on to her and told her she had just been unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer and was waiting on her husband coming to collect her. My Mum ended up leaving me to see the Consultant by myself as she didn't want to leave the random lady sitting alone!

As annoying as it is, be proud that you must look nice and friendly which isn't a bad thing but work on your 'get out clause' so maybe "lovely to meet you, I better get going as I have an appointment in 5 minute's,"

My friend (male) once told me it's because some people tend to just sniff out people who are naive. Easy to mould. People pleasers.

I've had this so many times and I have massive RBF. So It's absolutely not a being approachable thing.

Funny thing isn't it. I also think there is a massive thing that you are paying attention to these incidents, you're probably not looking around and seeing it happen to multiple others too, you know?

And I think so many people just put headphones in and push on past people that they wouldn't have the slightest idea someone tried to speak to them!

Yes, I would agree with this, I think all young small gentle looking women get this to some extent, both the genuinely friendly and/or lonely and/or wanting assistance people, and the creepy people who are looking for an opportunity to take advantage in some way.

I think adding in a ND may give off a subtle additional air of vulnerability that sadly probably encourages the creeps more so than the genuine people although can be hard (especially for the ND person) to tell the two apart. I agree with others OP, not to say it's remotely your fault or you need a personality change or to become very fearful of any interaction with strangers or anything (the vast majority of people that do this would never do you any real harm, they're just annoying) but I think it's worth working on both being conscious of your body language and manner out in public to project an air of confidence and business, having somewhere to be / things to do and aren't up for random social engagement, which will do a lot to put people off, and also polite but firm ways of leaving conversations you no longer want to be having. Easiest on the latter is if you can physically remove yourself, like with the old lady I'm afraid after giving her a brief nod hello and packing my bag, I would have interrupted the life story, said something like 'It's been nice to meet you but I have to go now' and crucially then left straight away, even if she was still trying to talk to me as I went - I know it's hard and not as easy out in the real world and particularly as someone who struggles with social cues and norms myself it feels so rude and wrong, when I've painstakingly taught myself how to not come across as brusque and uninterested to just walk away mid conversation, the height of rudeness usually but random strangers are not entitled to your time or politeness! The cafe example of course is harder, but if swapping tables or leaving wasn't an option I would probably opt to put headphones in and pointedly read my book or look at my phone to indicate I'm not up for conversing with / entertaining these children. Your answer was funny though and serves the rude little blighters right for asking cheeky questions so don't feel bad!

There was a bit of a dispute at a bus stop i was at today, a couple clearly on "something:.were bickering, a young woman sided up to me whilst still looking at her phone, I wonder if people look for "anchors" in anxious situations i did smile at her ,

I get this sometimes, it’s quite sweet really but on one occasion I was somewhere I’d never been before so couldn’t help with directions.

I do sometimes randomly speak to people though, compliment them on their clothes, the other day on the bus I saw a man carrying a mini pin and said I recognised the breed as my neighbour and friend had one. We had a nice chat until he got off. If I drive which I also do, I never get this interaction with others.

This happens with me a lot too, in Finland which has the reputation of strangers not talking to you! I've had an old woman tell me her life story on the train (tbf it was interesting), people ask me random questions, and someone in the supermarket told me about her tick bite, then pulled the tick out of her pocket to show me! I think I must just look approachable but luckily I'm not too fussed about it and if I really don't want to talk to someone I can just pretend not to know the language.

Most recently I took my nephews by bus to somewhere I’d never been to before. My youngest nephew loves the bus so I chose to get that rather than drive. A lovely older woman who’d just been shopping and was on the bus gave me and my elder nephew (youngest was asleep by then) a strawberry cornetto each as they were melting. Such a nice kind gesture.

said I eat children and one started crying which was so awkward

so brilliant!

I'm rarely approached, I've never really thought about why, but in the situations you've described I'm usually pretty focused on where I'm going or what I'm doing so likely wouldn't notice people trying engage with me, unless there is an expected interaction ie. paying for shopping.

I get this a lot.
When I used to run and I'd be timing my run people would still stop me. I've always been like this. One of my friends used to come looking for me if I took too long as she knew some random would have latched on to me.
I am also short and I'm not diagnosed but both my children are neurodiverse.

I was wearing AirPods with my hair up and it still happened!

People always talk to me, mostly I don't mind, I must have what I think it was Nigella Lawson referred to as a lavatory face

I’m feeling quite reassured from these responses that it’s not just me so thank you to everyone who has commented.

I’m usually in a world of my own so sometimes I have to be spoken to a couple of times before I register it.

I know it sounds so silly but it’s made me self conscious after so many times today and just made me question why.

I definitely never have that issue!
I actually have the opposite problem with people offering to get things from high shelves which I am grateful for but than it leads to more conversation…

I need to follow the advice I’ve been given here and learn to cut conversations short politely because I can be genuinely in a rush or not be in the mood.

I’ve just been for a medical appointment and was looking at my phone when a girl sitting next to me started giving me her life history. She was telling me personal sensitive things so I couldn’t just cut her off and was stuck waiting.

There were others in the waiting room and I was clearly engaging on my phone so I was left wondering why me again.

I used to wear a sunflower hidden disabilities badge but I stopped as I thought maybe it made me seem more vulnerable and that’s what was causing it.

I have a friend like you and over the decades we've got a running joke about her attracting strays - she's a magnet! Are you generally a people pleaser, OP? Some people just have this, have never worked out why or what. Like the suggestion to wear headphones in public if you don't want the attention (over ear).

I get approached by strangers frequently and always have. I used to work in social care and always had one eye out for anyone who was feeling vulnerable. I've had some great interactions because of it and mostly see it as a positive. My friend group roll their eyes around and call me flypaper for freaks which is very un PC 😬

I often get people ask for directions, for me to take a photo of them etc. I live in Edinburgh so lots of tourists around but this also happens when I’m away (and people are more likely to ask me than DH when we’re together). I am tall but I’m naturally a friendly person so assume I give off that vibe! I find it usually starts with eye contact which sort of gives people a permission to approach. They’ll often make eye contact and if you smile they’ll ask for help etc. I don’t mind it at all and often will have a little chat or nice interaction. Sometimes I’ll offer help eg offer to take someone’s photo or if I see someone struggling with anything I’ll help.

I am always being approached by strangers and have randoms strike up conversations with me. It's happened for as long as I can remember.

There can be many reasons why this is. Things like approachability, charisma, just having a natural magnetic energy that draws others in, and attractiveness. By attractiveness I don't necessarily mean 'hotness' or sexual attraction, although that can be the reason sometimes. I mean appeal. An adorably cute little old lady might fall into this category, but anyone can.

Some people are naturally invisible, whereas others have the energy of someone who arrives in a room saying ta da and waving jazz hands. Not because they are attention seeking or making a scene, some people just naturally are noticeable and change the energy of a room when they enter it (in a good way).

People always seem to like to ask me what I am doing, where I am going, what I have been doing etc. I do often have props with me though, like a camera, dog(s), or generally look like I am on some sort of adventure or just look like I am doing something interesting. I even get recognised by randoms I have spoken to in the past, and people will call mine or my dog's name out in greeting and talk to me again. Sadly, I am terrible at faces and forget who they are 🤦‍♀️😂

People chatted to me happily when I was younger. As ive got older no one talks to me, or wants to and if I try to initiate chat people are disinterested!

I think its because (or partly) youre young and pretty - as I used to be!

I miss it a bit.

It must be annoying, but you probably look nice and non-threatening.

I often get asked by short people to reach things on higher shelves in Tesco and on several occasions, my husband and I have been approached by people speaking Italian asking directions. We are not Italian.