I hate myself can anyone relate?

[Youdontseehow]

I fucking hate myself- I’ve been struggling with drinking but it’s been bad this week and my daughter has been self harming - how do I get bette?

Why do you hate yourself @Youdontseehow?

most people drink because it changes their mood state?

Is your typical default mood state uneasy/low/uncomfortable/

What is going on for you?

Your daughter feels all that you are feeling as well as all of what goes on around her in her own life.

Humans put thoughts on things but they are not necessarily factually correct but we can all easily read emotional states so your daughter feels like her life is built on sand because the people who protect her in the world are in a difficult place emotionally.

Stop drinking immediately, not next week, after tonight, or next month. Make a decision, you are not going to drink for a month (obviously if you have a serious problem then you’ll need your GPs support). You will feel so so so much better without the alcohol messing with your head.
Do something nice for yourself every day, a country walk, coffee with friend, whatever. Focus on looking after yourself, now is the time to put your own oxygen mask on first! Then you will be able to help your daughter better.
I promise you, booze is making everything worse, things will improve once you stop.
Good luck x

@Brunchatstephanies @Catsfredwilma thanks for replying. I’ve got such a good life on paper but it just feels “meh” which is bad because people would kill for what I have. I don’t know why I can’t appreciate it.

Well, alcohol is a depressant.
What can you do to bring some joy, happiness and pleasure to your mind?

Honestly I don’t know. I’ve got a good life, lovely home, great friends, hobbies -like I say, people would envy me (not being big headed I’m quite a humble person). I think that is why I feel so wretched that I should be living dream
but I’m just making everyone that loves me shit.

You have to want it. Want to change, want to give up drinking. Saying it isn't enough. See your GP for starters. There are lots of resources online or in person but ultimately accountability starts with you. It probably won't be easy but it will be worth it, your life will be better.

And I know I should stop but never drinking again feels like it would be shit and I just want to be normal - even though I know plenty normal people are tea total - alcohol has been such a big part of my life including my family and friends- never drinking again feels like I’d not be living.

its true what they say - alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not taking. It’s just so normalised in society.

@Wecanbeheroes26 thank you. I just wish I didn’t want it so much. People say cravings disappear in 20 minutes but mine just build over days and it becomes a compulsion to just seek oblivion and shut the world out.

However your life looks on paper I think there must be something deeply troubling you for you to have that building desire to seek oblivion and shut the world out. Do you know what that is? I'm not asking you to share that here but if you do know that would massively help if you get some counselling. And you do need to get some professional help, not just for yourself - your daughter is obviously having immense emotional issues of her own and she needs a sober mum. You could try Alcoholics Anonymous but maybe a counsellor with expertise with alcohol abuse would cover more ground for you. Good luck but get help

I completely agree with this. Alcoholics I know have two route causes ND dopamine seeking behaviour or trauma. Both require support to deal with and remember trauma can be hidden in people’s subconscious.

Don’t think about ‘never again’. Think about now. Today. The next hour. Hell, the next minute if you need to.

What are you using alcohol as a solution for? It's not the problem, it's your version of a coping mechanism. What is the underlying cause? (You don't need to say what it is on here, but you do need to look beyond the bottom of the glass).

You are in crisis, flight mode. You won't be able to fix anything whilst in crisis.

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to stop everything. You need to stop and reboot:

Take time off work, have as much of a mental and physical break that you can. When you are able to step outside of your day to day life, you can evaluate your joys/ pains/ stresses. Be your own psychologist to work on goals and strategies to form your best life.

I love a bit of self help woo, I like to cherry pick tips and tricks from all the books/ websites/ gurus/ AI. One of my favourite tidbits is based on the Japanese theory of Kaizen which is to try to be 1% better each day. I love this because there are no lofty goals to aim for or personal comparison, just a simple 1% for yourself only. This then builds up to a huge change over a year.

Hi OP, alcohol isn't normalised in society when it's abused the same as food isn't normalised in society when it's abused. The statement sounds really great, as a way to abdicate responsibility and accountability, but it's false and so not helpful for you. You really do need to understand that your drinking is a product of what you're doing and not society or anyone else.

It sounds like you're bored and do not have anything to fill your time in a productive way. Do you work? Hobbies are wonderful, when one truly enjoys them, but it sounds like you go through the motions just to get back to drinking.

Do you go to the gym?

Being unable to be happy when you feel you should be is a sign of something wrong. You are using alcohol to self medicate because sonething is wrong, and its making you worse, because its not a cure, and it's not even the best medicine given its a depressant.
Ideally you need interventions of therapy and possibly clinical/medication support, so start with your GP.

I didn’t want to say too much because I feel like it sounds like an excuse to be “bad” but there was incest in the family and I just can’t stop thinking about it. It was my mum and her brother but then she let him childmind me and he sexually abused me and when I told her she slapped my face and told me I was disgusting even though she knew what he was like. So I feel like I’m trying to get my head round that - the fact that she was horribly abused but she put me in harm’s way.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that; none of it was your responsibility or your fault.

Once this trauma can be resolved the drinking can be tackled. Have you thought about therapy or counselling?

@Eyesopenwideawake yeah I had some for the drinking a while back but my friend thinks I need to see someone who deals with child SA - when I had the drinking counselling I didn’t tell them because I was embarrassed- make of that what you will!

I can understand that, even though you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Do this for yourself now; once that underlying issue is dealt with you will find life a lot easier.

Hi youdontseehow

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I just wanted to comment on your point about being scared to commit to going alcohol-free.

I have been sober several years from a drinking problem. I can definitely understand the "never again? No!" Feeling.

But I would add that on the other side, it's honestly absolutely fine. I don't feel left out, or self conscious about it ever. Nowadays, if it comes up, I just say "oh, I don't drink alcohol" without a second thought.

It feels weird when it's been part of your life for so long, but the alcohol-free life after a drinking problem is so much better.

I also deal with self hatred a great deal with recurrent depression. It's a major symptom for me and it's only when my mental health is stronger that it lessens.

Good luck OP x

Hi op. Try www.napac.org.uk as a starting point to access some support local to you. It's an organisation concerned with adult survivors of child abuse and has links to other resources/organisations which you may find useful.
I think that unless you try to address the underlying cause of your pain which then drives you to self medicate with alcohol, your attempts to stop drinking will always teeter on a knife edge.
Good luck. You can do this.

Or www.thesurvivorstrust.org.

This sounds very tough. When you are thinking about the future without alcohol and how rubbish it will be that’s through the lens of where you are today. By the time you have stopped, seen some benefits and had some really good therapy the chances are you’ll feel very differently.

If it feels too hard to talk about all this to anyone in RL you could consider talking to the Samaritans on 116123. It can seem far easier to speak to an anonymous stranger.

best wishes for a happier future.

That was the same in my family but with a different relative @Youdontseehow and while I didn’t drink with it, it affected me deeply emotionally and psychologically.

That is not a small deal and what your mother did is not a small deal, a version of the same is ongoing in my family and I’m estranged from all of them for that reason. So no small deal.

You are operating with an overwhelmed nervous system everyday which is why you are trying to use alcohol to cope.

You absolutely need help to deal with this. A really good trauma therapist is your first port of call.

@Brunchatstephanies @MatildaTheCat
@Wingedharpy
@Leavesandthings
thank you for being so kind x