To be utterly fed up of listening to my friends complain about their partners all the time?

[HalfWomanHalfFish]

Late 40s. Single for seven years. I have completely de centered men from my life. No Interest in dating/having relationships with them.

Over the past week I have met up with three different friends. During each catch up a good 80% of the conversation has centred around the shitty (and I really do mean seriously shitty) behaviour of their husbands and partners. This is a reoccurring theme. Yet none of them ever make any moves to leave the partners who at best don't give a toss about them and, at worst, actively hate them.

It's getting to the point that I feel like I have nothing to add to the conversation about my own life. I have hobbies/interests. I do stuff and go places. Yet because I have no tale of woe to share about my shite husband none of it gets much air time.

I've come away from all these meetings filled with rage about the horrors men inflict on women and frustration because I know my friends will do nothing about their situations.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or AIBU to not want to listen to it anymore?

YABU to say that none of them have made any moves to leave their partners. As a domestic abuse victim, I can say it is very hard to leave.

YANBU to be fed up of 80% of the conversation x 3 being about bad partners. That sounds gruelllng.

YANBU. I’ve had many friends over the years who would rather be with an awful man than be single. These are otherwise seemingly strong, financially independent women.

It must feel similar for those without children having to listen to the woes of parents. Some people do relationships. You sound sorted and balanced with a good life. Maybe it’s time to say something or phase out a few of these friendships.

YANBU. I really do get tired of meeting up with people who want to only talk about, and focus on, negativity. It's exhausting. I am not a paid therapist for a reason.

It’s happens in work places too. If you’re single colleagues make comments that you’re ’on your own’ (even if you’re perfectly happy with that) then go on to talk about how awful their partners are and how they’re unhappy . But they’ll do nothing about it because being single is still stigmatised and most would rather have a shitty partner than no partner because it shows they’re ‘normal’. YANBU. Maybe get those three friends together and they can moan to each other and try and make new single friends?

That must be really tedious. None of my friends or colleagues do this. We’re all happily married.

I had a friend like this. It gets boring hearing him complain about his girlfriend. He'd then call her and was nice as pie to her

I’ve literally never encountered this, in 54 years of friends across several different countries and colleagues in many workplaces. It sounds both very tedious and also deeply disturbing, but I don’t see what you can do other than tell them to edit their conversation if they don’t want you to help them leave or to stop seeing them.

YANBU. It's not just this topic either - it's draining AF to hear anyone complaining about the exact same thing over and over and over again without doing anything to change it. Especially when you suggest ways to help and they are shot down every single time.

Now obviously it's not easy to just up and leave when you have kids but constant whingeing and whining isnt fixing the issue either, it's just making everyone around them including themselves feel worse. You could respond by saying "so what are you planning to do to fix this?" or "is there anyone who could assist you with leaving?" etc but ultimately if they wont stop then I think the only answer is to distance yourself.

You arent actually helping them by letting this go on and on because complaining endlessly doesnt solve the issue either and it actually makes the issue bigger in terms of the emotional headspace they are giving it.

I was never able to have children and all my friends constantly moan about how hard their life is with children. And then normally go on to have at least 1-2 more. You either just need to suck it up or get new friends. (I did a bit of both).

I suspect it’s because you’re single - that perhaps people feel inhibited from discussing their awful husbands with other coupled-up people.

I’m not sure what the solution is, but I feel for you - it must be frustrating and tedious at the same time.

I had a friend like this. Had! It ended up being so frustrating listening to her. Her partner was obviously such an arsehole. She could see how horribly he treated her but she continued the relationship because she didn't want to be on her own.

One day I said to her, "Why are you with him?!" Her reply was it was for company! She was willing to put up with bad company than no company.

I used to think that she just enjoyed the moan, it was like therapy to her.

Two of my closest friends are like this too. They both seem to actually hate their husbands but neither of them will leave, mainly due to money. I do have some sympathy with that but it's becoming so depressing just having to listen to their stories of the shit behaviour they are being subjected to when I know they won't do anything to change things other than for the millionth time speak to their spouses who don't give a shit. It is also making it harder and harder for me to be somewhat normal around their spouses. It's not that I wish they hadn't told me, it's more that we don't have much fun anymore as most of our conversations are centred around these shit men who I have no interest in. I doubt their husbands are using their valueable time with their friends just talking about their wives.

This happens to me a lot as well (also very happily single) but I don’t receive it the way you do - every time I just think thank bloooming goodness I don’t have such negativity in my life any more.
as to why don’t they leave? Probably same reason I didn’t, I just put myself last and plodded on.

I also find it quite funny when you have to listen to the negativity about the husband for a while, conversation turns to you, you might say you’re happy (being single), and then comes ‘and you never know, you might meet a man whilst you’re not looking’ 😂😂😂

Haha, yes! I mean I was married to a man and decided I'd rather have no man than that man. Listening to them complaining about their men just confirms that being single is the way forward. Of course all of our relationships started off blissfully happy, but I think it rarely lasts and then you have to try and extract yourself from a life that was built for two.

I wonder if the moaning about men is a bit of a red herring. The OP says that when she meets up with someone they spend 80% moaning. I rather think that when you meet someone 1:1 you should each get a third of the time to talk - the remaining third is up for grabs. If this doesn’t happen the person who isn’t getting to talk will get cross after a while.

I think there are a few reasons. Some of which have already been covered by others.

Presumably, they know why you're single so I wonder if they think they'll have found a sympathetic ear in you. They don't really understand that you've moved on from all that and have no interest in talking about how shit 'men' are. They probably can't conceive of how your life can be great without one and don't understand you've actually moved on and are happy. They will think this is a constant effort for you to not be seeking a relationship.

I've met women who think that single women who fill their lives with hobbies, interests, friends, holidays, volunteering and building careers etc are only doing all of those things to fill the void of not being in a relationship. That they wouldn't need to do all that stuff if they had a man!

I've seen similar sentiments expressed online about child free women - that they're just trying to fill a gap in their lives that would otherwise be filled with children rather than recognising it as a true choice.

Abusive relationships are different but a lot of women choose to stay in shitty relationships because they'd still rather have the security of being in a relationship than be single. Again, you see it on here all the time. Women who post complaining about a shitty husband whose primary fear is whether or not they will ever meet anyone else and what if they end up single? Whilst they haven't even begun the process of leaving a shitty partner.

I had a friend who did this. I was sympathetic to begin with but when we were sat on New Years Day for the third year running having the exact same conversation as the previous two New Years Days, I pointed it out and said they had a whole year to decide what they were going to do about it otherwise, next year, we'd be in the same place having the same conversation again (they didn't save the conversation for NYD, it was just more prominent because of the date). Of course, they had no intention of doing anything about it. And the fourth New Years Day, I spent somewhere else because I just didn't want to hear it anymore.

We'd been friends for about 10 years but I don't see them anymore. We have mutual friends still and, another 7 years on, nothing has changed.

I do get that some people think moaning to one another is a kind of bonding experience -- it comes up on here a lot when people who say they have no friends say 'I just want someone to have coffee with, and to have a good old moan to!'

Personally, it would bore the living shit out of me. Absolutely, if you are my actual friend and I value you, and you have an actual pressing health or financial or relationship problem, absolutely I will listen and enter into your concerns, but if you use our time together to complain endlessly about something you have no intention of changing, then I would be pointing out that this is frustrating for me.

What is your response to them op? As in are you honest and challenge their partners behaviour or just zone out and make appropriate noises? I think some people will just monologue at a blank wall whereas if yo u are actually engaging it moves the conversation forward and thus onto other stuff.

What would happen if you came in and said you'd had the worst week? Do they listen or would they just disregard your upset?

People should keep it light. Not surprised you don't want to hear their problems all the time.
Why don't people want to have fun when they meet their friends, laugh, joke, reminisce about funny stories etc. Talk about Sport, Theatre. I don't get it. Meeting a friend shouldn't be an ordeal that drains you.

It really shouldn't be draining or depressing. I think there is a balance to be found and I don't mind talking about relationship issues, death, ill health or whatever, but unless there is some kind of acute situation then I don't think it should dominate every social occasion.

YANBU.

I have a friend who is not in a relationship but constantly makes the same mistake with men and it’s tiring. She just got out of a three year situationship with a man who was clear from the start he does not want a serious fully committed relationship with her.

Which she complained about for three years but made no move to leave him. Just moaned about how he was failing to support her properly as a boyfriend….because he wasn’t her boyfriend.

It’s annoying when you are a fixer and others just want to vent and not change their situation. Maybe try to gently change the subject?

You cannot solve anyone else's relationship issues. It's on them. Not much point getting too drawn in.

No they won't your right.