Would you leave a loving marriage after years without intimacy?

[Brainpickin]

Not really an AIBU, more of a WWYD.
Name changed as this is a very delicate matter. Me and DH have been together 15 years and married for 10. We’ve not been intimate for almost 3 yrs. Not fully, no touching, nothing. It started when DH found out something catastrophic about a close family member being SA, and he shut down.

At first, I understood why he didn’t want to be intimate but it’s now been so long that I don’t think we will ever get back to as we were.
He won’t see a counsellor or anything as ‘they can’t change what happened’ but I can’t live like this any more.
I have told him this and he said, I can’t give you that, I wish I could and I understand if you need to not be together but I love you and you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s me. Trouble is, I love him. It would be a lot easier if I didn’t.
WWYD?

This sounds so tough.
I'm not sure what I'd do, I imagine if you left and found another partner something will always be missing from future relationships because it's not him
I really hope he gets better soon

Can you go to counselling alone? It might help you figure out how to make a decision. And it would demonstrate to him that you’re invested but need to explore whether you can be fulfilled in your marriage. You never know, he might join you in counselling.

I wouldn’t leave, but touching is not important to me; friendship and love is, very much.

We can’t afford counselling right now as he got made redundant and is doing a temp job for min wage.

The SA happened to a family member and not him? Whilst everyone’s feelings are valid I think he is being unfair by not even going to counselling.

I would leave if I was you. He’s not even trying! I couldn’t have a relationship with no intimacy whatsoever.

No , I wouldn't leave. I would talk about how incredibly important intimacy is to a marriage - not the cherry on top, the yeast that makes it rise. And I would see if he was open to trauma treatment / therapy. I have been helped immeasurably by both of these to help intimacy. I can happily recommend Marcia gamsu at north London therapy if you Google.

Could he start by taking to the samaitoms for free? And going to his GP to say that he is seriously affected?

I wouldn't leave for that either, will he accept hugs and just a cuddle, to me that would be more important and that he shows he cares and loves you in other practical ways.🥀

No I wouldn't. If the only thing that is missing is being intimate then you may not find the complete package as it were elsewhere. Only time I would consider it was if I wanted children and thought that there was absolutely no chance of it improving.

Appreciate it's important, but I wouldn't chase it as the grass isn't always greener. As we age, as you hit peri or menopause your desires change.

You never know, your partner might change their mind re counselling or their opinions on intimacy might change.

We have no children. Sadly, we had many miscarriages which may have added to his reluctance to be intimate. I am 48, he’s 51 so we aren’t obviously wanting children now.

That’s really sad.

Yes, personally I might leave, sex is incredibly important to me. It would depend on a range of circumstances and whether non-sexual intimacy was still present; I might be able to live without sex if there were lots of touching and closeness, as well as emotional openness and talking.

I’ve heard of others just shutting down like this for different reasons and it’s quite frightening.

I wouldn’t. Better a loving marriage without sex than living alone without it.

I wouldn't leave because of lack of intimacy, but I would leave because of lack of attempts to deal with the issues.

I was SA as a child and the repressed memories came flooding back as an adult. It was more traumatic than the original abuse. I was painfully aware of the impact my withdrawal had on my exH, and, when I was ready, I did seek therapy because I cared about him. Our marriage ended for different reasons, ultimately, but I always had compassion for how difficult being constantly rejected must have been for him.

Also, being single can be far less lonely than being in a relationship where there is huge emotional distance. Even when it possesses other good aspects.

OP you need to ask why he is not trying.

He says I can't - he means, I won't.

That for me is the issue, that he won't even try.

However you should also be open to the idea that he himself was SA and this has brought it back
He may say not but if there was an abuser in his family circle, it is not impossible.

This poor guy needs loads of love and support. Unless you are fundamentally miserable and can't stand the sight of him I think it's worth trying . You need loads of love and support too - I'm so sorry to hear of mc. But better together if you love eachother?

Sex I could live without; I can take it or leave it these days to be honest. If the marriage was otherwise loving and worked well, I think I’d stay to be honest. I’m not sure I’d blow up my life for it in those circumstances.

The real problem here is his unwillingness to even attempt to do anything about it, when it’s something that concerns you. That’s a wider issue than just not getting intimate.

Lack of intimacy but partner willing to work to change this? I'd stay and give it a good old shot.

Lack of intimacy and partner telling you that's just the way it's going to be? I'd leave.

@Brainpickin unfortunately many families have to deal with what your H is going through, it is absolutely heartbreaking to find out a family member has been SA, even more so if it happened to a child. However, if it wasn’t done to him then he shouldn’t be acting as though it was. Are you sure it didn’t happen to him too?

I wouldn't leave due to no sex, but I would leave due to no intimacy at all (no kissing/cuddling/closeness) and i would leave due to no effort on my DHs part to sort the issue.

I would (in both cases) have some clear, unequivocal conversations first, making it unambiguous that if my DH would rather I leave him than try to fix the issue he obviously doesn't love me that much!

It's not about the issue, for me it's the lack of effort to resolve the issue. If he'd have genuinely tried to fix it and it hadn't worked, it would be completely different.

Can he say why finding out about SA family member has effected him this way?
Do you think he was a victim and it has brought our trauma that he buried?

So if your upset he wouldnt cuddle you?

He's feeling whatever he's feeling, and he wants what he wants, but I don't think he gets to put his head in the sand and say that this is not a him problem, and refuse to look at what is going on and find a compromise along side you.

That's not going to work. Is there non sexual touch? Can you think of a compromise that you would be happy with? I don't think you have to spend the rest of your life feeling like a leper, no, that's not reasonable.

Having been in both situations, it's far easier to be celibate while single than in a sexless marriage. That was soul destroying. Now it doesn't bother me, I'm happy to be single.

I think it's very selfish of him not to even consider counselling (although your update says you can't afford it anyway?) to benefit your relationship. If he genuinely feels that way about sex now, fine, but he's not even trying to address it to make things better, which is not ok.