To not listen to everything my boyfriend with ADHD says?

[gradistar]

My bf of 6 months has ADHD, I also am diagnosed with ADHD but the more inattentive style. We have recently had a disagreement/argument about our communication styles. He literally gabbles on and on at times and he will talk at me, not ask me as many questions as i’d like.

He also corrects me if I say something that he has already said and will just generally pick me up on things, I genuinely do not think he realises he is doing it. It can feel like conversational point scoring occasionally.

Often I will repeat something that he says he has already said but to be honest, I do just tune out sometimes when he talks and I don’t listen to everything he says because it would be impossible. He says he finds this triggering because in his childhood people didn’t used to listen to him and he doesn’t like it. He will also text to me in a venting style, as if he has to have someone to be a sounding board.

To be honest, I am starting to find it a bit selfish. He is kind, considerate, generous, thoughtful and emotionally intelligent. This is literally his only flaw that I have identified so far but I’m finding it irritating. He’s also quite sensitive to if he feels like I am criticising him.

I’m stubborn so if I don’t want to listen then I won’t listen. I also have ADHD myself so I daydream and tune out, I regularly don’t process what people say to me especially if I’m not that interested or they talk too much. Am I in the wrong? What is going on here? Will we work as a couple?

I have ADHD (inattentive type) for what it’s worth.

You don’t sound compatible. Just because someone does or doesn’t have ADHD doesn’t mean everyone else has to be fine being in a relationship with them. If you have different communication styles in a way that both if you find frustrating/not OK, then you’re just not a good fit.

OK 🤷‍♀️ You know that you asked a question, and I answered. You didn’t like the answer and you argued with me. I’m just saying. Good luck.

I wonder if he would get into journaling to help download some of his many thoughts? I don’t think you need to be the only recipient of his thoughts.

I don’t think you sound right for each other, you’d probably both be happier with other people.

Conversational point scoring = hard work.
You should be having much more fun 6 months in.

He doesn't really sound as though he actually is emotionally intelligent...

Maybe not as much as i thought

It didn't used to feel like that. Now I've noticed it, I can't stop noticing it

I have a friend with ADHD who is just like this. It's like listening to a monologue so I (no ADHD) tune out often. Friend also won't accept a different point of view so there's no point entering into a discussion with them. To be honest, I'm slowly withdrawing from the friendship as it's too much like hard work.
Only you can say whether your bf is worth it.

You don’t sound like a good match at all

I attract people like this. Is it also a male thing, every man I have ever been out with has liked the sound of his own voice

You think it's selfish that he uses you as a sounding board. He thinks you're insensitive to tune out when he's talking. You've both got communication issues arising from ADHD, you're both as bad as each other. You either accept each other's flaws or move on and hope you find someone who is able to communicate in the typical way whilst also accepting that you don't communicate in a typical way.

Neither of you are in the wrong. You have differing communication styles which you find irritating in each other. Either accept your differences, learn to compromise, or go your separate ways.

It sounds exhausting and tbh doesn’t sound like it’s going to change.

Up to you if you think you can live with it. (I couldn’t)

Thank you, this is helpful to read. I do listen a lot but I would say I tune out 30-40% of the time. With most people it's more than that. I feel like that's my capacity and he knows that so why is he still wittering on when he knows I'm not interested, like what is he getting out of it. It's like he's making a point of getting me to listen and acknowledge what he's saying because he wasn't listened to in his childhood.

There's another current thread where a woman is being driven insane by her husband who basically monologues at her all day every day (every time they're in the same room and even when he's out driving).

Your boyfriend doesn't just have a different communication style. He has a complete failure to understand that he can't appropriate someone else's consciousness for his own personal use, or insist that someone else do something they simply do not want to do in order to accommodate him.

You will never be anything more than a sounding board for this boyfriend. He will always demand that you forget about yourself and focus 100% on him, all day, all week, all month, all year.

You were not put on earth to be talked at by so.eone who doesn't understand that you are a fully 3D human with a full set of needs of your own.

Dump the BF.

You weren't put on earth to make up for his treatment as a child. You owe him nothing.

You certainly do not owe him your full attention every time he opens his mouth, and you don't deserve the criticism you get when you manage to get a word in.

I disagree with those saying this is a conversation style, and that you're both in the wrong. He is lacking in the fundamental understanding that makes a relationship work - the understanding that you are an entirely separate person from him, and that you have your own needs.

He will never meet those needs.

Yes, in my experience, very few women inflict themselves on others like this, whereas a good few men do.

It's a social conditioning thing.

You seem to use far more sympathetic words to your own symptoms of adhd than you do for his. For example, you’re only listening half the time - you describe that as ‘you’re at your capacity’ whereas others might say it’s rude to not listen. And yet for his symptoms - monologues etc - you use words like selfish etc

You’re not compatible and just so you know, they get worse with age

It's actually quite similar to me and my DH. I'm autistic, I think he is ADHD but he's not been assessed. He goes on about the same thing and I zone out. We can drive each other mad. But we can also be our true self and completely comfortable with each other without being judged.

Yes this is true.

My life. I have ADHD and he'd bore me to death and I wouldn't be able to hide it. What your BF has sounds more akin with autism. If he doesn't understand social cues like when it's obvious he's talking too much and doesn't ask any personal questions that he's definitely not emotionally intelligent is he. I've got ADHD and I notice patterns in people's behaviour and would know when they are bored.

This is lovely to write and I think is very valid. ND may drive each other mad, but they also fit together. I find ND people to be more ‘real’ as they vibe less, so maybe take the rough with the smooth.