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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be confused about the meaning of gender and sex?

41 replies

sellingsoup · 05/07/2026 13:53

AIBU to not understand what gender means.

If gender is not sex then why are the words man and woman used interchangeably for both?

If gender is socially constructed based upon societies expectations of biologically sex then isn’t that sex stereotyping and isn’t that regressive?

If a woman doesn’t align with sex stereotypes (she has short hair and is a mechanic for example) does she automatically have male gender without believing in gender identity herself? If she doesn’t, then why?

Why would anyone want to align with a stereotype?

If gender is socially constructed and there are hundreds of identities on a spectrum, why are words already taken with definitions for biologically sex used for only 2 of the gender identities?

AIBU to think none of this makes any sense.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 05/07/2026 14:48

sellingsoup · 05/07/2026 14:42

But to identify means you feel or say you belong to a particular group.

You are just stating what you think you are or you want to be. Calm and compassionate etc. You can’t identify as calm or compassionate you either are or you are not.

Calm people aren’t a group to identify into are they.

No, it's not just identifying with a group. It can include identifying with groups but it also includes identifying with labels/personality traits.

JLou08 · 05/07/2026 15:00

ILikeDungs · 05/07/2026 14:46

Sadly "identity" is the new cool buzz word that people embrace to feel current. Hip. Cool Man.

People don't identify as parents. They are a parent. People don't identify as caring, etc etc, they (supposedly) are caring etc etc. People won't still identify as a parent when not parenting ffs, they will still be a parent.

Perhaps being able to "identify" as something makes it sound more like a choice just like choosing what sex you want to be. Which might explain a lot. I don't identify as pissed off with all this nonsense, I just am.

It's not new. It's been spoke about it psychology for years and years. People without a sense of identity are more likely to have low self-esteem and mental health issues. Maybe that's why you're so pissed off over nothing.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 05/07/2026 15:07

Honestly it's just nonsense made up by people. If you have a vagina you are a female .penis male .but if you like things usually associated with the other sex that's fine like what you like dress how you like. It's fine but biology still can't be tampered with .

ILikeDungs · 05/07/2026 15:11

JLou08 · 05/07/2026 15:00

It's not new. It's been spoke about it psychology for years and years. People without a sense of identity are more likely to have low self-esteem and mental health issues. Maybe that's why you're so pissed off over nothing.

I guess if I did have mental health issues (thanks for that) I could just identify out of them 😄

Btw you really can't identify with personality traits. You have them, or you don't. Reality is like that.

Lexibletheflexible · 05/07/2026 15:11

I just put whatever the ones that say female or woman in either or both boxes

LaliqueSaltGrinder · 05/07/2026 15:13

I don't believe in gender, it's a pile of bollocks and nonsense.

Woman, man. Male, female. "Gender" is the nonsense which says boys like dinosaurs and Lego and girls like pink and dollies. And if you're a boy who likes pink or a girl who likes dinosaurs, there is something wrong with you. Far too old to buy into all that shit.

aliceyyyy2654 · 05/07/2026 15:28

JLou08 · 05/07/2026 15:00

It's not new. It's been spoke about it psychology for years and years. People without a sense of identity are more likely to have low self-esteem and mental health issues. Maybe that's why you're so pissed off over nothing.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

sellingsoup · 05/07/2026 16:18

JLou08 · 05/07/2026 14:48

No, it's not just identifying with a group. It can include identifying with groups but it also includes identifying with labels/personality traits.

It really doesn’t.

Identifying, if you break the word down could be one of three definitions

Personal Identification: Recognising a person, like identifying a witness in a crime.
Biological Classification: Determining the taxonomic position of a plant or animal.
Emotional Connection: Feeling a sense of unity or connection with a group or idea.

I think you are referring to the last one, but there isn’t a 'calm’ group to identify into. It’s just a character trait. You are muddling up the word identity and personality trait.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 05/07/2026 16:22

sellingsoup · 05/07/2026 16:18

It really doesn’t.

Identifying, if you break the word down could be one of three definitions

Personal Identification: Recognising a person, like identifying a witness in a crime.
Biological Classification: Determining the taxonomic position of a plant or animal.
Emotional Connection: Feeling a sense of unity or connection with a group or idea.

I think you are referring to the last one, but there isn’t a 'calm’ group to identify into. It’s just a character trait. You are muddling up the word identity and personality trait.

Why are you here saying you're confused about gender identity but then arguing with me about what identity is? That's quite a lot of confidence in something you're confused about.
Is it that you were never confused, you just wanted a thread to bash people who do have a gender identity?

Pancakesandcream33 · 05/07/2026 16:31

We all have characteristics and personality traits that make us appear more feminine or masculine at times but that doesn't mean we magically become that sex, or that we were born in the wrong body. People simply have a wide variety of hobbies and interests and that should hold zero political power over bathroom sharing and brainwashing our children. The worst thing is that they say it's about accepting people for who they are but their main goal is to mutilate and make irreversible changes to young teenagers - who we all know change their interests rather often. They make no sense, their cause has zero benefit to the world and the rest of us are just comforting crazy at this point.

sellingsoup · 05/07/2026 16:31

JLou08 · 05/07/2026 16:22

Why are you here saying you're confused about gender identity but then arguing with me about what identity is? That's quite a lot of confidence in something you're confused about.
Is it that you were never confused, you just wanted a thread to bash people who do have a gender identity?

or could it be that I’m confused about gender identity because I do understand what identity means and therefore gender identity makes no sense.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 05/07/2026 16:37

Gender is just about personality traits and/or how you interact with sex-specific stereotypes. For most people, this is not hugely important.

The idea that it could be more consequential than someone's sex is ludicrous.

Ibi · 05/07/2026 16:43

If you are still confused, try and think about it in terms of sex means male or female (mammal, reptile, etc.), and gender as the social construct, traditional expectations around sex and the assumptions and biases people make according to sex. For example feminine often conjures up nurturing, delicate, needs protection, wears dresses and pink. Just because you don’t like that, it doesn’t mean you’re not a woman. Some people might feel like that and use the term feminine (male or female). In my mind, feminine means strong, capable, decisive, so I might describe myself as feminine through my definition, but I know that’s not the view of the majority.

I’m not sure why you are trying to put yourself in a box when you don’t agree with it. There is no law to say you have to describe yourself in a certain way, nobody is forcing you to. Some people describe themselves as easy going and chilled, when it’s definitely not my description of that!

HumberSquid · 05/07/2026 16:47

Yes gender is just sexually stereotypical behaviour which individuals are then expected to perform according to their biological sex. It's entirely regressive.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/07/2026 16:52

I only use the term ‘sex’ to refer to male and female biology. I don’t have a gender identity - I have a personality, just like everyone else.

To me, ‘gender’ is either a euphemism created to avoid saying ‘sex’ or a word to describe outdated, sexist stereotypes about personality traits and clothing.

‘Gender reveal’ parties are really revealing the sex of a baby. Nobody has a clue if their girl will have a ‘feminine gender’ or climb trees and be a plumber. The idea that all of that is masculine or makes someone less female irritates me.

Claiming to be non-binary or gender fluid is ridiculous and I do ridicule it because it’s a laughable concept. That’s because nobody is in between sexes, nor does doing something such as wearing makeup make you more one sex than the other. You’ve got one sex and it’s male or female, no matter how you adorn yourself. You might be unlucky enough to have a DSD, but it’s a ‘sex’ disorder and by its very nature it is a disorder which will affect either males or females. It never makes you two sexes at once. The idea of being ‘intersex’ is utterly debunked, scientifically outdated and is offensive to those with a DSD.

Anyway, that’s my twopenneth. It comes from a lot of reading of medical texts etc because I have an open mind on everything until I’m presented with evidence to the contrary. I am sure there is no third sex and that no human has ever been two sexes at once or has changed sex.

EmmaOfNormandy · 05/07/2026 16:55

A snarky - but appropriate analogy - would be the difference between science and magic ....

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