AIBU for backing out of a trip to Wales with my mum

[YourFirmCrab]

I don't want to go on trip with my elderly mom, she made me pay for some excursion to Wales. I've changed my mind i don't want to go, don't care about the money. What should I do?

Tell her?

She made you, did she? I’d pop round to the police station if I were you and tell them.

You're an adult, how has she made you pay?
Why don't you want to go and do you often let people down?

Say "Sorry Mum, I can't come to Wales any more. Hope you have a great time!"

How did she “make you” pay for some excursion to Wales? And having paid for it, why don’t you just go, rather than letting her down if you’ve agreed to go with her? What’s made you change your mind?

We went on holiday to Wales with my elderly mum, we had a lovely time.

Lovely beaches, lots of parking, friendly locals.

Why don’t you want to go anymore? Has something happened?

Is this a day trip or day excursion by coach? Or a longer trip away?
If it’s the first then it might be ok to duck out, there will be other people she can chat to on the bus etc.
If it’s a longer holiday then I think you would be unreasonable to let her down.

Why don't you want to go? Why did you agree to it?

I can't go, my mom is not easy to get along with. It's for 3 days, im dreading being with her for 3 days. All her other friends didn't want to go and found some excuse so she dragged me along with her. If I back out now, she'll go insane

Why did you say yes then?

Just get strategic D and V bug. But promise yourself you won’t let her bully you ever again.

I assume because OP is used to trying to please her mum and was too scared to say no. Bullying and difficult mums don't normally mellow with old age, although some may do. OP's mum obviously hasn't.

You agreed to go and commited to it by paying. Why didn't you just refuse in the first place?

OP has a choice between three days of dread or a one-off hissy fit (or worse). Then needs to develop ways of getting her mum to be a reasonable person, or reducing contact.

Not an easy one, glad I was never in her shoes.

Op I feel like there's more to this. Read the statements below.

You didn't feel able to say you didn't want to go in the first place.

You didn't / don't want to go because your Mum is difficult and not easy to get along with.

You are afraid to tell her you aren't going because she will go insane.

Now think about this. She is clearly not very nice and overbearing. You are unable to assert boundaries with her because in some way she will kick off. Would you tolerate this from anyone else? What do you have to lose if you tell her and she kicks off? Will she stop talking to you? Will she give you endless grief? If it's the latter then that is the perfect time to begin asserting some boundaries. "Mum, I am not going to be spoken to like this, call me back when you can be more reasonable". Will she ever be more reasonable and call you back, possibly. What you don't need to do is feel bad about any of it. Her poor behaviour and lack of boundaries will be the cause, not yours. You are simply insisting that a grown adult doesn't tell you what to do, that they treat you with some respect. I would imagine if she did that more frequently, you wouldn't hesitate to go away with her.

Do you still live with her? Why is she so desperate to get to Wales? What does "go insane" actually mean?

Well, if you're not there you don't have to listen to her "go insane", right?

People like this control others by teaching them to be scared of their tantrums. If you let her kick off all she likes - act like you're not bothered by it, even if you are - and don't react to it, she will eventually stop doing it. And even if she doesn't, take no notice. Go home or hang up the phone. Don't reward the behaviour.

Do you live together?

Yes, we are living together, I work and pay my keep and I pay the utilities and buy my own food and help with cooking/cleaning so I'm not sponging off my mom.
I have a fear of travel to the point I have to take medication to relax me, my mom doesn't believe me and thinks I should just face my fears but it's not that simple. My mom is very bullying and says spiteful things and even to my son she has been really nasty.
I felt like, I am living with her so can't expect to not go on vacations with her. I am getting more and more anxious as this trip draws near. Someone suggested finding someone else yo go with my mom, I think ill try that.