AIBU to feel put off by our now regimented sex life?

[calwatch]

Been with fiancé for 2 years, got engaged 6 months ago. We’re both mid 30s.

We get on great and have the same sense of humour. At the beginning of our relationship he was really romantic and complimentary to me, and I felt really loved.

We used to joke about having sex, we’d say to each other “see you in the bedroom” randomly. This was like an initiation to wanting sex iyswm. Obviously at other times, we’d just been in bed and it would happen or be kissing and it would happen.

My issue is that this comment is the only thing that happens now… it never happens spontaneously. There will be zero build up and the comment is said. For example, we’d just been doing the washing up and he’ll said “see you in the bedroom”. There’s no flirting throughout the day, and I just feel a bit strange when it’s said.

He is still lovely to me, but I just feel a bit flat when he says it. Like it’s regimented in some way. It’s like he just wants sex and then it happens iyswm. I’ve started making excuses like I’m just finishing this etc, but it makes me really just not want to have sex.

I want a build up, like flirting, a bit of light touching, and feel like he actually wants to have sex with ME.

Am I overthinking this?

Tell him?

I’ve mentioned it before and nothing changes. I feel like he doesn’t put in any effort to make me feel wanted

Yeah don't tie yourself down with this one, talk it through but if nothing changes don't marry

This won't get better. It's the equivalent now of him getting sex toy out of the cupboard - he wants sex and thinks he can just tell you and that's it. The desire to have sex with someone starts long before he tells you to get into the bedroom. If he doesn't realise that, he's the wrong man for you.

So he just decides he wants sex and says “see you in the bedroom” - and you’re just expected to drop everything and go?

If you have expressed your feelings and he is ignoring those feelings… you’ll leave him. Later, or now.

Have you said no? Pointed out you have mentioned it before, and he's ignored that, so you're saying no until he listens.

But it might mean you need to leave. If he's like this now, imagine how it will be after 20 years, when you have children and so on.

Gross. 🤢 Just say “no piss off I’m not a sex robot”
I would reconsider marriage with a man who feels entitled to sex with zero effort on his part.

He needs to know now that this doesn’t work for you. ( I think it’s quite rare that it would). Just push back. ‘OI, what did your last blow up doll deflate from?’ ‘Nope. Do you win sex awards for that seduction technique?’ Get bolshy about it. Because if you’re starting to avoid sex TWO YEARS in, that’s a really bad sign.

Well how do you initiate sex? Does he ignore you when your flirt?

You are not overthinking and I wonder if it will get worse over time.

Just say no? “No, I’ve told you before, I find that a total turnoff. I need you to do x, y, z for me to be in the mood”. Rinse and repeat. He will either get it, or he won’t.

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I actually had something similar with my ex. Something that is fun and cute to start with suddenly feels like an expectation and that isn't sexy! And then you end up going off sex altogether, he will suddenly be up for making changes but it is too little too late.

It's good you have clocked this early. I know you've already said something, but I would try again , very explicitly. Probably the 'see you in the bedroom' just needs to stop completely.

You need to have a frank conversation. I know we started to use that phrase as a joke but it’s getting stale and I can’t go from zero to feeling like sex, your washing up example is a good one.
So eg if you’d been cuddling on sofa and having a flirty evening and he’d said it ok. Nothing romantic and doing chores and he says it not ok.

2 years in you shouldn’t be seeing these problems. Do with that what you will.

That would give me the ick too.

So - he has a random urge and you are supposed to comply?

“Oh yes darling you are such an irresistible hunk and I’m wet all the time for you. Just waiting for you to say you want me at all times of the day and night.”

He’s treating you like a sex toy.

Bye bye fiancé, you can do better than this OP.

“No thanks”.