To hate my birthday these days (TW infertility)

[waitinginwonderland]

I’m 36 today. Happily married with a DSD10 and started trying to conceive 3.5 years ago.

6 rounds of IVF and two losses later, I couldn’t do it anymore. We took time away, processed and started the adoption process. We are waiting to go to approval panel over the summer. I’ve had lots of counselling and have fully accepted not having a biological child, but I find my birthday so triggering. My story looks so different to what I wanted. I work with children every day. I wanted to be done by 35, not just starting at 36. I feel ancient even though I know plenty of women start their families at my age and older.

My DH is trying so hard but I just feel like this is a day marking yet another year where I’m not a Mum and I can’t shake the sadness.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. There is a lady on TikTok called taylorfrances_ - she is an adoptive mum and she shows how joyful the adoption process is. She’s now also signed up to be a foster mum after adopting her little boy. Do you have any timelines for adoption yet? Maybe you could do something to mark it when you’ve got those? And just think, this time next year you’ll have your little one and you’ll be celebrating your first birthday as a mum ❤️

I think the modern way of looking at our lives as “stories” to be shared with the world romanticises loss and tragedy and can prevent us from properly processing when truly horrible things happen.

Sorry you are facing this waitinginwonderland it’s a horrible situation and you have every right to feel sadness, anger and grief, you don’t have to face every day putting it behind you and being brave. You absolutely can spend some time being pissed off at the universe.