To be drowning and not ok?

[Strugglingmumonthebrink]

Single mum to a 2½-year-old and a 1-year-old. I’m drowning. Please tell me honestly if I’m getting this wrong.
I’m 42 and mum to two little boys (2½ and 1).
Their dad and I separated in December and we’re currently divorcing. He comes to see them for about 45 minutes twice a week, but I have to supervise the visits for safeguarding reasons, so I don’t get a break. He doesn’t pay child maintenance (he’s a self-employed farmer and says he currently has no income) and, to be honest, never contributed financially to our household when we were together either.
Because of the separation I haven’t been able to return to my well-paid job as I’d planned. Most of my savings have disappeared on solicitors’ fees and I’m now surviving on Universal Credit. We’ll survive, but financially and emotionally it’s been a huge adjustment.
A few months ago I spoke to my GP because I wasn’t coping as well as I’d have liked with the separation. I was started on sertraline, which has definitely helped with the anxiety side of things. This doesn’t feel like anxiety anymore though. It feels like constant stress and worry that I’m somehow getting motherhood wrong and failing my boys.
I think I’m incredibly stressed, and I’m worried my eldest is picking up on it.
Yesterday was pretty typical.
We were up at 6am. Breakfast was chaos because my toddler immediately started pulling the kitchen apart. Then we went upstairs to the playroom.
Every toy my one-year-old touched, my toddler tried to snatch. If the baby tried to play with him, he’d hit him, slap him, bite him or throw toys at him.
I bought my baby a Little Tikes car for his first birthday. My toddler uses it to deliberately crash into him or run over his legs. I remove it. I redirect him. I explain why it’s not OK. Five minutes later he’s found something else to throw or hit him with.
If I tell him to take turns, he’ll throw the toy at his brother or at me instead.
Later I took to my bedroom while I had a shower in the en-suite. We all currently sleep in my bedroom - the baby is in a cot and my toddler still co-sleeps with me. He does have his own room, but after everything that’s happened this year I don’t want to force that battle just yet.
I was in the shower for less than ten minutes and could hear them both the whole time, so I knew they were safe.
When I came out he’d stripped the freshly made bed, pulled the fitted sheet off, half removed the duvet cover, thrown all the pillows on the floor and covered the headboard in foot cream.
I’ve tried gentle parenting. I’ve tried explaining that it makes me sad. I’ve tried being firm. I’ve tried consequences, taking toys away, redirecting, praising good behaviour, involving him in jobs, keeping him busy… honestly, I feel like I’ve tried everything.
If I tell him off he screams at me, hits me, bites me and throws things at me.
Then two minutes later he’ll come over sucking his thumb, clutching his teddy and wanting a cuddle.
The afternoon was lovely. We went to a local nature reserve, fed the ducks, had a picnic and they both fell asleep in the car on the way home.
I also make a conscious effort to get them out of the house every single day. Whether it’s a play centre, the beach, a local beauty spot, the woods, feeding the ducks or just walking around the fields, I always make sure they get fresh air, plenty of physical activity and a chance to burn off some energy.
Then we got home and the chaos started again.
While I made dinner he coloured on the walls, cupboards and carpet. I took the crayons away so he emptied kitchen cupboards instead. I tried involving him in cooking and if I didn’t chop vegetables exactly the way he wanted he’d scream, then go and throw things at his brother or steal his food.
Bath time was spent with him deliberately soaking me. Bedtime involved him repeatedly jumping out of bed and running over to scream in the baby’s face while I was trying to get him to sleep.
It’s like every waking minute is managing chaos.
The thing that confuses me is that nursery say he’s absolutely lovely. He goes twice a week for two hours and they say he’s kind, polite and no trouble at all.
I have no real practical support. My mum works full time and has her own business. She loves the boys, but she isn’t really available to help day to day.
I also don’t get any time to myself. My toddler co-sleeps with me and goes to bed around 7.30-8pm. If he wakes up after that and I’m not there, it’s almost impossible to get him back to sleep, so once he’s asleep I basically have to stay in the bedroom with him. That means all the housework has to be done during the day while both boys are awake.
I try to involve him as much as I can because I want him to feel helpful and keep him occupied. But if I put something away in one drawer, he’s opened another and emptied it. If I fold washing, he scatters it all over the floor. We try to tidy the playroom twice a day just to keep some semblance of organisation, but I put one toy away and he gets another five out. Every room in the house seems to have traces of toddler chaos in it.
I know houses with young children aren’t supposed to be perfect, and that’s honestly not what I’m aiming for. But living in a constant state of mess and never being able to catch up is really adding to my stress.
I’m genuinely asking… is this normal 2½-year-old behaviour?
Or am I getting something fundamentally wrong?
I’m terrified I’m raising an aggressive little boy and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m also worried that because I’m so stressed he is feeding off that.
I’m considering speaking to my health visitor, but I’m embarrassed and, if I’m honest, slightly frightened that admitting I’m struggling will somehow make professionals think I’m not coping.
Please be honest with me. I’m open to advice, a pep talk, a telling off, some home truths—anything really. I feel like I’m getting more and more stressed every single day, and I’m worried he’s picking up on that and that’s where some of this behaviour is coming from.
I also worry because I’ve read about boys from separated families sometimes having poorer outcomes, and as a single mum I’m terrified I’m already getting this badly wrong. I know every child and every family is different, but it’s something that plays on my mind.
He’s not a horrible little boy. Quite the opposite. He’s funny, affectionate, bright and can be incredibly kind. Nursery say he’s an absolute delight. He’ll happily come and cuddle me with his teddy one minute after driving me completely round the bend the minute before.
But living with him at the moment honestly feels a bit like living with a tiny Tasmanian devil who has absolutely no emotional regulation. He leaves a trail of chaos everywhere he goes, and I spend my entire day trying to stay one step ahead of him while also looking after a one-year-old.
I don’t want sympathy because I’m getting divorced. I genuinely want to know whether this sounds like normal toddler behaviour, whether I’m handling it badly, or whether it’s time to ask for more support for him or for me. I just want to be the best mum I can be.
I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I love my boys more than anything in the world, and I just want to do right by them. If you think I’m making mistakes, please tell me. If you think this is normal, please tell me that too.
I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t have much help for you as my kids are older but look at what you are doing- you’re raising two young children on your own, you’re financially surviving, you’re constantly working on age to figure out your child’s behaviour.

On the boys from one parent family thing- forget that right away, there’s a reason people break up and it’s a strong thing to follow through on. Because the children are so young this is their normal and your parenting and love is all that matters. Can you increase nursery slightly? Another morning or another hour at least and in that time you get a bit of breathing space?

On the house thing, figure out where makes you the most stressed and work on that. Make sure you look after yourself, sleep when you can, eat properly, drink water.

Hugs, kids honestly get easier but it takes a long while unfortunately (my now 16yo was a little crazy until age 6!!!)

My oldest was like this at this age. I couldn’t put anything in drawers until they were both about 3 because I may as well have put it on the floor. I ran out of high places to put things. I still remember him getting the milk out of the fridge and shouting “surprise!” as he pulled the lid off and tipped all of it over the sofa while I was running to stop him. He didn’t listen to anything I said. I don’t know what the answer is but my oldest improved massively when he turned 3 and became a kind boy who started actually listening to me. My youngest is taking a lot longer and at 4.5 she still does some of this stuff. It’s really hard at that age. 💐

It sounds normal for their age. It is a really tough age and it does improve.

They are capable of a huge amount of physical activity and it can help them calm down if they have lots of it. Also, they can't make a mess at home if they are on a walk or at the play ground.

A friend of mine advised me to crack the own bed thing sooner rather than later because she left it until her child was older and had a nightmare. I thought it would be really difficult but it only took a few nights. I went into their bedroom every time they came into mine. It meant I fell asleep a few times in their cramped single bed when I got exhausted, but it worked. After that, if they ever asked to come into mine I just said I would go into theirs. That way they aren't getting rejected but long term you get your own bedroom and your own space. At this age they will quickly forget that they ever slept in yours.

He is just a typical child at that age. As long as he is behaving for others he is clearly not a “bad” kid. They just can’t tell the difference between positive and negative attention at that age… doesn’t matter if you are shouting at him… he just knows you are paying him attention and no one else. It’s a difficult time but it will pass and he will remember all the good stuff! Ask if nursery can take him more hours? Find a mum and toddler group and go there as often as possible make friends that can go on play dates with and then maybe go without you to have a bit of time with just the baby…
hang in there. You’ve got this. But keep asking for help.

You are doing just fine and you sound like a kind, devoted and involved mum. This is the worse possible time. Be kind to yourself - you have a baby and a 2.5 year old and you are going through a divorce with minimal support and a (by the sounds of it) rubbish father. You deserve a bloody medal. Your son is just being a two year old. It's the worse possible age - they have a 'it's my way or the highway' attitude. Keep going - you are doing great. Believe me, it WILL get better.

Sounds normal to me. I have the same age gap and the older child at that age loved any attention, even negative. Your post sounds like how I felt, my girl was a delight at nursery and so hard at home I felt like crying most days. I also went to bed with the kids every night or they'd be up and take hours to settle and felt like i had no life. The only hope I can offer is mine are now 4 and 2.5 and it is still tough but so much easier now.
I am not a single parents so I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but i honestly think 9/10 days my.2 are a delight to be with and I'm really sad my 4 year old will be starting school soon, which is honestly something I never thought I'd think a year to 18 months ago.

It's often just time. Getting through the tough days. Sounds like you are doing amazing tbh.