If you’re in a relationship with a ND man, what was your experience?

[user0512]

Hi,

Before I start I’d like to start by saying that I’m not saying that NT people don’t have issues in their relationships and that everything is down to AUDHD. My sister and dad are also ND but my experience with them is completely different to my experience in a romantic sense.

My partner and I have had a rocky patch recently, we’re trying to figure out if we can make things work or not and today we’ve had a very uncomfortable chat about things that aren’t making us both happy. We did discuss calling it quits but decided that we wanted to give things another go and then take it from there.

The problem is he has (I think so anyway) RSD which means he takes every problem I have/way I feel as a personal attack and that can cause issues.
Eventually he tried to see my POV but I do wonder how much of it he actually took in and how he’ll process that and implement it.

It’s led me to wonder how it was for other people? Is there anything that salvaged your relationship during a rough patch? If I did go down the path of calling it quits for my peace of mind I want to be sure I tried to understand the condition and tried any strategies I could before doing that. I know it’s not all on me, and there’s things I expect from him regardless if he were ND or not and despite initial resistance he said he’d work on it, but it does get draining when someone takes everything as an attack.

TIA

Piss off! About "if you were well suited" jog on! You do realise everyone is different right?

I'm glad you dont have these issues, but your experience does not negate others and mean we are not well suited to our other halves!

Mine takes it personally if I say a water melon we bought while we were shopping together isn't that great. It's absolutely exhausting.

I left my husband as he was using his autism and adhd as an excuse for continuously being a massive cunt and treating me like shit. It’s an insult to people who have audhd and are fundamentally nice. Just because he’s neurodivergent doesn’t mean he isn’t also just a cunt. A diagnosis also doesn’t mean you have to tolerate a damn thing, if he’s going to be in an adult relationship he needs to learn to control himself like he would with his manager, friends etc with you as well. Is he also a bell end to them or can he control himself with everyone else? Differentiate between the two and that will make things clearer.

Relationships really should not be difficult. They shouldn’t make people feel down, uncared for, putting up with moods etc.

If you’re in a relationship that makes you feel any of those negative things, then I feel sorry for you.

Just because some people choose to put their own needs last and continue in unsuitable relationships, doesn’t mean thats a good or right thing to do.

Yes and never again. Explosive temper from nowhere over tiny things.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. A real mixed bag - as expected as no two people are the same.

In terms of intimacy with a ND individual how have people found that? Does anyone else’s OH switch off completely when overwhelmed and stressed out (or am I missing something here)?

I think it depends on what steps they are taking when their disability is doing more harm than good for their spouses and their children, no different if they were NT.

Many people regardless of disabilities know the things they struggle with and take steps to be/do better or find a workaround (reminders, writing things down) when it is negatively effecting those around them especially family members. Yes, there are some that still struggle but still trying shows effort.

Saying that, the other spouse is also well within their rights to say that it negatively impacts them too much and for their own sake and health they need to separate/end things, agreeing with what you said in the last sentence.

Intention doesn’t negate impact and I think that is what it really comes down to in well.. any relationship.

In terms of intimacy RSD does play a part in that too.
To the person who said relationships shouldnt be hard work and perhaps some people just arent suited ,im not sure its quite as simple as that with NT partners.

I have struggled to find any support groups for NT people in a totally ND family like me.
I have sat in front of doctors and counsellors and broken down, but all they can offer is try and look after yourself when you can. My counsellor said she didnt know how i kept going. I have daily situations at home where I am just trying to keep everyone else calm and its exhausting.
I have found the odd forum but usually it will be that some ND people will comment so you dont feel you can be honest as i dont want others to feel bad but the reality is for the ND person left coping it is unbearable and lonely at times.

My husband switches off when I’m too overwhelming for him. Generally though as soon as I notice I’ll ask and he will let me know it’s too much.
In terms of intimacy, we respect each other and although we can’t really have sex as often as we’d like (because of medical issues I am having) he’s always super affectionate but not in public (which I always say I would like more, so he tries now). I think the thing is, I find my DH incredibly attractive and the autism is just a “quirk” not necessarily good or bad, just a thing, like someone who’s good at writing stories or someone who’s awful at cooking.

I have to get away in various ways throughout the year for respite.

Next week im away for work. I've extended this to two nights rather than the obligatory one (paid for night two myself) and told DH it's two mandatory nights dictated by work so he doesnt feel rejected and I get a fucking break.

I take the kids away each October for a weekend just me and them so that they also get respite from their father.

Adhd is a disability and you do end up becoming somewhat of a carer to your loved one.

He tries so hard and I love him which is why I stay but you absolutely do need a break sometimes.

Who do you have for support? Own life vest first and all that.

"I have to get away in various ways throughout the year for respite."

I do this too. I have a tiny van I escape in for 2/3 nights at a time. See some scenery, go for a cycle and relax without anyone else (but specifically him) controlling the narrative. Reconnecting with myself...I know that sounds wanky.
I take the kids away as well.
We all love him and we all need a break from him.

@pictoosh im glad it's not just me! Sometimes I do get the pang of guilt 😔

I don't feel guilty at all. He's hard work and fortunate to have met me, willing to put up with it.
I love my breaks away.

This is such a how longs a piece of string topic as everyone can be so different ofcourse. This is just my experience its absolutely not to say others can't be different or struggle.

For me we had lots of issues 2,3 years into the relationship. Neither of us knew we were audhd at that point so that didn't play a role at all. A early couples therapist (who was rubbish) suggested he might be autism/adhd and for a time he dabbled (i felt ) with weaponising that and said he was incapable of empathy etc.

To me he was behaving like a arsehole i wanted a divorce he was pretty much rock bottom.
So he went to therapy a men's group where they focus on learning skills like empathy, sitting with uncomfortable feelings, listening, entitlement all sorts.
Many things that women are expected to know from day dot.

It is night and day the difference. He is so very in tune with me and our relationship it's wonderful. We have ND children and one particularly with higher needs. Parenting with someone who now takes full responsibility for themselves is such a game change and so freeing. If I'm feeling overwhelmed with life he can take over as If I've died and doesn't miss a beat. Giving me the true rest and break I need.

We both still struggle with audhd. We have to pace ourselves and make sure we all get downtime. But relationship wise we are so completely on the same page. We can spot a mile off for eachother when one of us is flagging or anxious. We have really hard open honest conversations. No one gets hurt or resentful.
It's just easy. It was once impossible.

So for us the issues really were not to do with being ND at all but learning skills and unlearning some male entitlement.

MissCooCooMcgoo
I do have a little support from a couple of friends but i dont know anyone like me who is the only NT person in their family so its hard for others to understand the love you have for your family but also it literally makes me ill being around them all the time.

I certainly view myself as their carer.

Finances dont allow atm but i have spoken honestly to my husband that as we get older ( im early fifties) i will need to take breaks and holidays with friends on my own to have a break. He does understand this but of course RSD kicks in then too.

I can see that my husband tries really hard and thats what keeps me loving him too.

My husband hasn’t got anything diagnosed but I think there’s something. He’s very unaware emotionally.. that’s really the only way I can describe him.

Sometimes I just don’t feel the love in our relationship because he doesn’t really ‘show it’ but he does in his own way. It’s very hard to describe. Whenever we have a talk about it he’s totally unaware of how he’s acting or how I’m feeling. Sometimes he can get quite defensive or offended, other times he’s very down and feels guilty. He very often tells me everything he does is with me and the kids in mind, that he works extra because he wants to take us on holidays and take us to do new things together. He is wonderful, he’s never angry, I think the only time I ever see him even slightly mad is when he stubs his toe.. but then he’s angry at himself or the furniture 🤣 he never shouts, he never even really argues.

But, the lack of other emotions reallY throws me off sometimes and I do think it’s because he’s on the spectrum at some level.

DH and I are both ND - autism on my side and ADHD (plus likely autism) on his. I’d say we work very well together and almost never argue or disagree but we are very independent in our relationship and I think a lot of NT people would describe us weird, strange or even uncaring.

You see, I always make sure it's laid out as ME doing HIM a favour or it's something unavoidable like work, which minimises the RSD response.

October I am taking the boys away, as far as husband is concerned it's to give HIM a break not us.

I cannot be doing with the anxiety, clinging and arguments the RSD would cause otherwise.

You absolutely do need a break. Even if it's for a few hours one weekend afternoon on a regular basis. Can there be some excuse even if it's just fancying a wander round the shops?

I wonder what was the original attraction that compelled me to marry and have two children with an ND person. I suspect I had misunderstood‘indifference’ as accepting 💁🏼

@MissCooCooMcgoo echoes my experience. Felt like I was in a performance trying to meet the needs of inflexible dh and 2dds

I’m 90% sure my DP is autistic because of certain traits and habits but its largely benign. Manifestations are things like having to do things in the right order, being very routine bound etc.

RSD sounds, if I am totally honest, like a figleaf for abusive and controlling behaviour. I think this is your issue, not the autism.

It can be, if the person is not aware it's happening.

My husband is very aware and is engaged with lots of things to help. The thing is there's no cure. Its management only. So I do my bit to help

Adhd is a disability and you do end up becoming somewhat of a carer to your loved one.

I agree with this. I do not believe in the whole ADHD superpower.

I was forced into the role of a caregiver/ parent. In the end, the relationship did not/ could not survive with him never taking responsibility for anything and in denial of the effects of his ADHD.

With BPD, when the person is having an episode, basically you can't argue with them. There's no point. They're too hot and take it as an attack.
In BPD the person will start an argument but they're not meaning to. They just need to blurt out their negative feelings. They say things that sound really unreasonable.
So it's best to pretty much leave them alone. And wait for them to calm down then all the negative things they said that sound unreasonable won't be in their mind anymore. So just speak about it with a clean slate.
It's hard though as they can sound really hurtful or despairing. But it usually doesn't last. Logic takes over.

This. DH is autistic, diagnosed as a child. Did tell me early in the relationship but what did I know. I was his special interest then and boy did I feel special. And he somehow was very competent and able then. Stopped pretty quickly after we got married. It's been 15 years and now I'm more of a mother or carer than a wife. He rarely hears what I say or retains a word of information I share with him. Every conversation is hard work and mostly turns into him feeling attacked in some way. I walk on eggshells and have realised the relationship dynamic playing out is just a mirror of my traumatic childhood. I have developed physical symptoms from the stress of being with him, so have started therapy. I am currently focusing on centring myself, rebuilding what I once had ie a social life and hobbies, before making my exit. This is no life.