AIBU to pursue a future with my sister's ex-husband?

[Plumzingy]

I have gone back and forth about posting this because I know people will have strong opinions, but I genuinely don't know whether I've completely lost perspective.

I am 36 and have been seeing my sister's ex husband, who is 44, for just over a year.

Before anyone asks, there was absolutely no overlap. They divorced several years before anything happened between us. They never had children together and have had very little contact since the divorce. My sister has since remarried has three children with her husband and from everything I can see is very happy.

The reason I'm struggling is because, regardless of all of that, I know how this looks.

It started completely unexpectedly. Around this time last year we both happened to be at the same event through mutual friends. I hadn't seen him properly in years. We'd exchanged the odd polite hello over the years but after the divorce there wasn't really any reason for us to see one another.

We ended up talking for most of the evening. It wasn't flirtatious to begin with. We just clicked. We spoke about work, family, relationships, life after divorce and all sorts of things. It felt incredibly easy, which surprised both of us.

At the end of the evening we carried on talking over another drink and, before I knew it, we ended up sleeping together. I just thought it would be a one night stand.

I woke up the following morning convinced it had been a mistake. I remember thinking I'd probably never hear from him again and perhaps that was for the best.

Instead, he texted me later that day to make sure I'd got home safely. A couple of weeks later we met for coffee intending just to clear the air. That turned into dinner then seeing each other every few weeks, then every weekend we could manage.

Somewhere along the way it stopped feeling like two people casually spending time together and started feeling like a relationship.

We've now been together for over a year.
He's genuinely one of the kindest, calmest people I've ever been with. We have similar values, similar interests and neither of us feels the need for games or drama. It has been one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had, which only makes the situation more complicated.

The problem is that everyone within my immediate family thinks I’m single.
A couple of close friends know, and his friends all know about us now but nobody in my family has any idea. My sister certainly doesn't.

Up until recently we have both been happy to keep things private while we figured out whether this had a future.
Now he says it does.

A few weeks ago he sat me down and said he doesn't want to keep pretending this is casual anymore. He wants us to have a proper future together and has started talking about marriage.He also asked me whether I still wanted children.I laughed and said that yes, ideally I would, but I'm 36 now and very aware that time isn't exactly standing still.
Then I remembered my sister had all three of her children between the ages of 39 and 42, so perhaps I'm worrying more than I need to and if no children then I have always been open to adopting

What has really shaken me is that I can actually picture that future with him.

I've been engaged twice before and on both occasions I ended the relationships as realised I couldn't go through with marriage. I said no because, deep down, something never felt quite right. As difficult as those decisions were, I knew I wasn't marrying the right person.

This time feels completely different.
For the first time in my life I can genuinely imagine marrying someone without hesitation. I can picture us growing old together. I can picture having children with him if we're lucky enough for that to happen.
And that is exactly what makes me feel so dreadful.

The one man I can honestly see myself building that life with is my sister's ex husband.

It almost feels cruel that this is the situation I've found myself in because, if he were anyone else, there wouldn't even be a decision to make.

It made me realise that this relationship is no longer some secret that might quietly fade away. We're talking about real life decisions now.If we're discussing marriage and children, we can't hide forever.

He has said he doesn't want to be anyone's secret. I completely understand that. If I genuinely see a future with him, I don't think it's fair to keep asking him to pretend he isn't part of my life.
The problem is my family.
I genuinely don't think my sister still has feelings for him. She's happily remarried, has a lovely family.
But I also know this isn't really about whether she's over him. It’s selfish of me.

It's about the fact that he's her ex husband.
I'm terrified she'll see it as a betrayal by me rather than by him. I worry she'll question whether I'd always had feelings for him, which simply isn't true.

I'm also worried about the wider family. I can already imagine awkward Christmases, people taking sides.

At the same time, we're two single adults who met again years after a marriage had ended. There were no children involved in their marriage, no ongoing ties beyond the fact they used to be married, and they've both built completely separate lives.

Part of me thinks life is too short to walk away from someone I genuinely love because of what other people might think.The other part of me wonders whether there are just some lines you don't cross, however much time has passed.

I honestly don't know what the right thing to do is anymore.

So, AIBU for thinking that, given they're long divorced, had no children together and she's happily remarried, I should keep pursuing this relationship? Or is this one of those situations where, no matter how much time has passed, your sibling's ex husband should always be off limits?

Eh? someone you called mum...so was that a close friend/relative you called 'mum' in a jokey way who then got together with your ex husband?

If you were my sister and ex husband (who I don’t hate, but we split for good reasons) I’d be thinking bloody hell, good luck to you!

It sounds like your sister is very happy with the life she went on to lead, so provided everyone can be trusted to behave at family events (my ex probably couldn’t…) then chances are it will be okay, at least as far as your sister is concerned.

People who would view it as the ultimate betrayal presumably still have tangled feelings about their exes, which is totally valid, but not a given. It is possible for people to genuinely move on emotionally.

Go for it! You often only get one chance at love and there doesn’t seem to be any reason not to proceed, unless he treated your sister badly ie was abusive, but doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

You need to talk to your sister.
Chemically, it makes a lot of sense, you probably have a similar chemical imprint to your sister, so makes sense you’d find each other attractive.
But you risk losing your whole family, while he risks nothing.
The time to stop this was that first evening before you slept with him. It’s going to be hard for your sister to get her head around that betrayal, and a subsequent year of not telling her the truth.
Only do this if you are 100 percent sure this is marriage, kids and forever. You don’t want to risk losing your sister and family for anything less.

Some of the comments in here are absolutely absurd in their hysterical judginess.

If you'd had an affair with him when she was married to him, then yes, you'd deserve all the opprobrium and more.

But she was briefly married to a man she happily accepts she was incompatible with, had no kids and got amicably divorced years ago. She moved on and has a family now.

Then you met him.

Who is being hurt here?

No one.

If your sister is happy for you, that's all you need. Get on and be happy with him and ignore the vitriolic nonsense on here.

You should never have slept with him. If I was your sister I’d be so so hurry- no loyalty to her whatsoever.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster down the line. It may seem surmountable when you are in the first throes of love but this man has been so intimate with your sister. He knows her hopes and dreams. He knows her deepest fears and her secrets. You also know your sister intimately but in a different way. It’s not just you and your sister in this dynamic.
How is her DH going to feel knowing that his BIL or BIL to be has been so intimate with his wife. When her children are older, they are going to find it difficult too. They will be teased at school. It’s going to be hard for your parents who built a relationship with this man as their SIL, then no doubt supported their daughter through divorce, knowing she wanted the marriage to work. They may have had reservations from the start or by the time the divorce was finalised.
Now they have to rewelcome this man as a new SIL for their other daughter, with all the associated baggage. Whatever you believe, there will be lingering doubts about your feelings for this man when he was married to your sister. Or about his feelings for you. There will be questions about motives. Could he be using you to get back at her? Even if not, that is going to be a suspicion. You’ve now told your sister so Pandora’s box is already open. You can never go back to how you were and your relationship with her will never be the same again, even if you walk away from this. Whatever she says, I expect she will be wary about what she shares with you going forward.
These issues will be magnified when your relationship comes under strain, as all marriages do. When you have DC, biological or adopted, your DC may have great difficulties processing the fact that their DF used to be married to their aunt, their cousins’ mother.
Whatever happens to this relationship, you have now outed yourself to your family as someone who puts your own desires ahead of the comfort and wellbeing of your nearest and dearest. You may never be fully trusted by them again. Only you know if that is worth it.
of course socially questionable relationships can survive, look at the Macrons, but the rumours and doubts don’t ever really go away. And heaven help them if any of her children or your children end up with a career in the public eye. I’m sorry to be so harsh OP but your entire family are going to pay a high price for you crossing this boundary. The relationship is already bogged down with considerable baggage.

Ok, do here is my take, forget that he is your ex BIL for a second.

your relationship is lovely as it is happening in a vacuum. No interferences, no judgements just the Disney version.

Once you add on all the complications of families, in a ‘regular’ relationship, that’s when you can find the fault lines and stressors.

You are going to have that, but on Steroids,

Are you willing to, potentially, lose the support of some/all of your family for what they see as questionable moral judgement, or just straight up bad choices?

is this relationship the hill you want to die on? Honestly, I think you need to talk to a therapist someone with no skin in the game, to get the pros and cons, and potential fall out of this relationship straight in your head, before you proceed any further. You need to be fair to you and this man.
It may be that you are both willing to walk through any storm and face it together, come what may. But get therapy and figure it out first. Don’t just hope it will sort itself out.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice. I think you do need to tell your sister and family about him before they hear it from anyone else. You can’t control how she and they feel about it, but you can’t control how you react to them.

This is your life and your future. I think you will always regret it and it could make you resentful to your sister if you walk away because of “how it looks”. Why put everyone else’s feelings above your own? If you are lucky enough to have found The One then go for it.

Given how they split up, and that she's moved on, married and has kids, I don't see a huge issue with your relationship.
As a sister, I think I'd be more hurt that you'd hidden it from me, for a year.
Regardless of whether you stay with him, or don't; you need to talk to your sister about it. I wouldn't try to predict or preempt her responses, let her "react" in whatever way she sees fit. That might not be pretty, and she will likely say things that will upset you; but just let her "react", don't try and justify yourself, or over apologise. You can talk to her again, after the first shock has worn off. I hope it works out for all of you, but be prepared for it not to.
You need to tell her. Even if after reading this thread, you decided to leave him; you would grow to resent her for something that is not her fault, and you will hurt her because she won't understand "why".

I would never have entertained sleeping with him. I would never wish to be in your situation risking the precious relationship between me and my sister.

Consider three things ..

You need to be certain that this man would never ever discuss his sexual or personal relationship with your sister, with you.

You need to be certain that your sister is happy about you going out with him. Only speaking honestly and privately with her will you find out. Her husband, also, might be icked out having her ex at all family celebrations. They both have to be happy.

Lastly, if she gives her blessing, you can never discuss your relationship with your partner, with your sister. That would be so creepily uncomfortable.

Did you persue him because you don't like to commit? Was he someone with whom a long term relationship seemed inappropriate?

Awww OP this is a tricky situation to be in!! At first I thought definitely not, she’s your sister and that’s her ex-husband it’s just a no, but after reading everything I see you clearly love him and he loves you so that makes things different.
talk to your sister about it all first, expect her not to be impressed (most sisters definitely wouldn’t be!) and tell her the truth like you have here - it’s up to her how she reacts and takes it but I wouldn’t rush to tell everyone straight away, I’d let her come to terms with it first.
for the wider family I wouldn’t really care too much what they think as it won’t directly effect them. With any luck your sister will come around and be ok about it all - but probably will be awkward the first few family get togethers!

I think that given your ages and how you’ve had a few unsuccessful relationships on the past, I’d deffo give this a go now - you’re already a year in! I think the “selfish” part on your behalf passed when you slept with him the first time and didn’t walk away, after which means that clearly there is more to it than just casual sex so I wouldn’t find you selfish now. hopefully your sister will see the happy and positive side too all of this. As she’s got 3 children now with her current husband they must have divorced a while ago so hopefully the dust has settled and she’ll be ok with it. I see his point of not wanting to be a secret anymore! This was always going to be the hard part but once your sister knows you’ll probably feel much calmer about it all .

Penelope Wilton

I think I’m one of the few here who would say to absolutely go for it. Life is too short. Your sister has happily moved on. You were nothing to do with the split.

How did you get on talking to your sister @Plumzingy? I hope it went OK. I think you have had an unnecessarily hard time on this thread! Sure it's not a great situation but life happens.

I think people automatically react to situations like this negatively. However it was over long before you got together and no children involved. The fact they don’t keep in touch any more shows they have both moved on. Your sister now has a husband and children. In your situation I would talk to her first and see what her reaction is. She may be initially shocked but if she comes round to it she will be able to get the rest of the family onside. The reason they separated is important though. Growing apart is very different to if there was abuse of any sort.

This is one of the most awful things i’ve read on here.
of all the men on the fucking planet? Your sisters ex husband, wow

Probably not the best way to do things, but life happens and if you're happy with this guy and your sister is ok with it then that's all that matters.
I wish you well and i hope you can have children, i don't feel you're to old to have you own just yet!!
Good luck xx

This reads like AI slop…

Personally I'd say 'Go for it'.

My family had a possibility of similar happening and it probably would have if geography hadn't got in the way.
It would have meant my cousins became my step siblings.
I would absolutely have supported it, and I would imagine others would also have been ok, but it didn't get as far as being discussed.
It's all about family members being happy.

I’m really pleased for you! All these people clutching their pearls like we never left the Victorian days… I’m glad your sister is reasonable and wants you to be happy. Less drama than you’ll ever get on MN. There aren’t many decent men out there so go for it and enjoy ☺️

If this is genuine, I would also cut you off and your parents most likely ashamed. You wasnt in love after one night. This was repeated decisions made to not care about your sister. He wasnt some fling to her but an ex husband. Out of all the men you could have settled for. Seeing a sisters ex when out, the thought of having sex wouldnt even cross my mind. They'd automatically be a no go zone. It doesnt matter your sister is happily moved on. Do you really think she wants to have to navigate her ex husband at christmas and family gatherings. How can she ever talk to you about relationships.

I hope the talk with your sister cleared the air between you both and helped to show you the next steps.

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Your sister has moved on and remarried and now has a family with another man. You didn’t split them up and you didn’t start a relationship with him straight away and there were no children involved. You met again in innocent circumstances and have got on well together. Provided your sister doesn’t raise strong objections I think you should go ahead and enjoy your relationship and see where it goes.

As for all the people saying it will make family occasions awkward - there is no reason why that should be so. You are all adults and surely able to be in the same room as each other for a few hours without a major meltdown. My first marriage broke up after 33 years after he had an affair. I remarried but 10 years later my daughter asked if we could all be together at Christmas as she only got one day off work and couldn’t see everyone otherwise. Ever since then my ex has joined us on Christmas Day. He lives alone now and we are just friends. My new husband is fine with it because he knows there’s nothing to be jealous about. It’s not impossible.

This

If your sister is OK with this, which it sounds like she might be once she has got her head around the somewhat unusual situation then it might just work but there obviously needs to be an awful lot of "open heart surgery" between you to ensure that you are both genuinely OK with the situation and how to move forward comfortably with it. To be honest, some of my previous long deeply intense relationships mean absolutely nothing to me now and I wouldn't have an issue if my sister became deeply involved with any of my exes as I've moved on.