AIBU to stop making the effort with my family?

[Livinavida]

Hi all, so a little back ground first, I moved to Italy at 22, my husband is Italian, I’ve been in Italy for a decade now and very much view it as my home.
I would say my family and I (2 younger siblings + parents) are friendly but not necessarily close, my mum calls once week though I do feel she does it mainly to talk about herself or other relatives to me, rather than to hear how we are, my dad maybe calls once a month and I chat to my siblings via text on and off but mostly we all just meet up in person 1/2 times a year.
Yesterday was my DDs first birthday, she’s the first and only grandchild so far. We are back in the uk for the first time since Christmas 2024, last summer my parents came to see us when DD was a few weeks old. I offered to bring DD over for Christmas but my parents said it was okay and we would see them in the summer. I half expected them to make a little effort in the mean time but they didn’t want to and when I offered to bring DD over at Easter too, I was again told it was fine, they already had plans etc.

Anyway we are in the UK for a week or so, we arrived on Sunday just gone and we are leaving on Tuesday coming. I have a friends wedding tomorrow, we are staying in an air b and b about 15 minutes drive or 1 train stop away from where I grew up, where my parents still live and where my sister lives.

So far we have seen just my parents yesterday on DDs birthday for 20 minutes, they stopped in with a gift in the afternoon while DD was napping, I told them she would be awake soon but they got impatient and left, when I offered to take DD over to theirs in the afternoon they said not to as the house isn’t baby proofed and it would make them anxious and that they will just see her properly on Sunday.
I was supposed to see my sister today as she doesn’t work Fridays but she text me at 3am saying it wasn’t possible as she and a friend have decided to go into London and queue for Wimbledon instead, she has never met DD, but has said she will try pop in on Sunday. My brother I’m scheduled to see Sunday too, a little different for him as he doesn’t live local and has been at work all week.

Anyway yesterday DDs birthday, my parents popped in as I said, nothing from either sibling, no happy birthday text or anything.

Meanwhile DHs cousin who he isn’t even particularly close to but happens to live in London, made the effort to finish work get a train out to us (over an hour), pay for dinner for us and DD and give DD lovely gifts. His parents FaceTimed and have already seen DD for a mini celebration on Saturday before we left, both his siblings FaceTimed, another of his cousins called us and his other cousin text, his uncles both text etc

Basically everyone in DHs family acknowledged the day, but in my family no one did other than my parents who didn’t even wait to see DD (they didn’t have anywhere to be, they are retired, their plans were to go to a garden centre).

On top of this, on Tuesday I visited the town I grew up in to see a friend and walked past a couple who live 2 houses away from my parents and have done for 30+ years, they meet up with my parents occasionally and they didn’t even know DD existed! My parents never bothered to mention it, the couple were shocked, they couldn’t understand why no one told them!

Now I think it’s fair I’m hurt, what im not sure on is what I do? WIBU to just stop trying? Stop bothering? Stop sending pics?
Or should I talk to them first?

Were your parents upset when you moved to Italy? They do seem very disengaged with you and their only grandchild. It was pretty mean of them to leave without even seeing your DD because she was having a nap. Do you think that they resent the fact that you are much closer to your in-laws now so are punishing you?

If you try and discuss this with your parents, how do you think they will react? If you think that they will get very defensive and blame it on you for moving to Italy, I wouldn't bother and would just pull back from making all the effort to keep in touch.

I always think it’s weird when people don’t care about their grandchildren, but they really don’t so it’s perfectly fine to go low contact if it’s painful for you.

they don’t care about ‘family’, I bet if you look back you will also find evidence they’re quite selfish generally. ‘Garden center’ is very telling.

I’m sorry that they feel like this. You have to concentrate on you, your husband and little one. Were they like this growing up? Some families just aren’t that close texting all the time etc.

It seems that since you have left your parents have got use to not spending time with you. And due to not seeing your dd much they have not really bonded with her. What was your relationship like before you moved away?
They may not really be baby people, my parents weren’t but they did make more effort when kids were older. Whereas my ils didn’t make much effort with us but did when sil had her babies.
Presumably you come home for many reasons - wedding, friends etc so I’d still visit and see them but make sure it suits you.

All you can really do is match their energy to try and avoid feeling resentment. It sucks when you try to have a relationship with family and the other person can't be bothered.

Agree about matching their energy.

it took me years and years before I realised that my parents had never actually visited me in some of the houses I lived in ( for years!) and never asked me about my life. It took a couple of big indicators about where I ( and thus my children) were in the priority stakes. I look back and think that instead of making so much effort for so little return, I should have really thought about what worked best for me.

I think it’s a cultural thing, although not all British people are like that, but it seems normal here to not ‘intrude’. Coming from Italy where the stranger at the next table picks your child up and plays/feeds etc, coming to England is a bit of a shock.
My MIL lived 3 minutes by car away, saw DD few days after she was born for about 10 minutes, then at 6 weeks.

But you’re talking about your parents here, I’d be hurt and say so.

In 1885 perhaps in the "big house". Brits are just as close as families, usually, as anyone else. Look at how many posts about interfering mil, arguments with sibs etc there are only here.

Whilst I am an only child and my parents have been dead for over 30 years, I come from a huge family. My parents raised their brothers and sisters basically, but since my parents died none of them ever really bothered with me...you don't actually need people in your life who can't make an effort to even see their grandchild. I'd keep the relationship at arms length, I wouldn't bother to visit again and save your holiday for other things.

Your post proves my point though 😂

Obviously YANBU. Match the effort. Unfortunately it sounds like a case of out of sight, out of mind. Their lives no longer include you.

Your DH is Italian, and you live in Italy so your DD will have lots of family attention with your DH’s side.

This, 100 per cent .
Do what suits you and your little family from now on .
DH’s family sound wonderful ! 🇮🇹

I don't know if it's a British thing but my parents almost seem to see familial relationships as a set in stone thing that doesn't need anything to keep the bonds going. They are baffled as to why I'm not close with people like my cousins who I haven't seen in over a decade for example. It's like people that grow up in "tight knit" families don't realise it was the close proximity and time spent together that made them close, they just see it as they are close because they are family.

Most people seem to be viewing this that your parents are at fault however I want to turn it on its head!
You say your mum phones you once a week and your dad once a month, how often do you phone them?
Are you sharing photos and anecdotes about DD and your life with them via message/ WhatsApp?
I live 2 hours away from my parents but we have a family WhatsApp group and are always sharing photos and messages even if just about the weather 🙄 what we’ve had for tea🙄 or photos of the cats and garden 🙄 sometimes annoying to receive 20 messages from them discussing the weather but it keeps us all connected and part of each others lives.
It sounds as though you’re all just rather disconnected and have no threads tying you together?
We’re so lucky in this day and age to have mobile devices on our person to keep in touch so easily, My cousin lives 4 hours away so I only see her once or twice a year but we speak twice a week on the phone for at least an hour and are always snapchatting, again banal daily things but it means we have deep connections.

@Livinavida so you’ve been in the UK since Sunday and it took them until Thursday to see you? They only then stayed 20 minutes with their own DD, before hurrying out to the garden centre, not to mention not waiting to see their own grandchild, on her birthday, that they haven’t seen for a year.

Something is off @Livinavida.

They didn’t want you over at Xmas or Easter and they’ve so far not welcomed you home now either.

Time for a discussion with them - find out what’s going on.

Yes I often sent them pics, variable replies.
No I don’t phone them, they told me they would rather just call me when it’s convenient than have me call and then miss, this was a few years ago and we haven’t changed it since.

Yes, OP, time to drop the rope and let them miss you and realise what they're missing.

You could have a word with them and say that their detachment really hurts and see if that changes anything.

Otherwise, don't make any visits especially to see them, make them incidental to your life. Don't offer to work around them anymore.

We’re so lucky in this day and age to have mobile devices on our person to keep in touch so easily,

Yes, I think OP is aware of the existence of mobile devices, she's in Italy, not on the moon!

They do seem disinterested. Is this how they've always been?

It may be due to cultural differences, try not to take offense as it does not mean that your family don't care, they just have a different way of showing you they care but there are English families out there who, credit to them and like your Italian family, put their family first.