School avoidance and stress

[AliceRu26]

Hi,

Not sure this is the right place to post but I am getting to the end of my rope. My daughter is waiting ASD assessment she has major sensory issue but no learning disabilities.

Her sensory issues are making school really really difficult and she she on a reduced timetable. She is 12 i have worked together with the high school all year. Despite her attendance being at 70% she got top marks in all her classes.

It really is simply not a case of make her go she will just freeze and says she really wants to be cant. School have been helpful to a degree but theres barely any support for parents out there. Every few months I feel so stressed that I don’t know which way to turn. She is kind hearted but brutal sometimes when she’s overwhelmed and out lives are getting more and restricted by things she cannot do due to anxiety. Her dad doesn’t live with us and tries to help but he’s not great at handling it all so she has stopped sleeping there 2 nights a week so literally everything falls on me.

i have had to drop to part time hours and now have the job centre hounding me to work more but it’s literally impossible. I managed to get her into therapy which she is happy to go to sometimes it is so overwhelming. I feel like my life has become so small. Even my hair dresser has kind of said she doesn’t not want to cut her hair bevause if it wrong it’s very stressful but she won’t go anywhere else.

anyone else dealing with this? Thank you

My brother in law had this problem, he struggled with school his whole life but it got really bad when he went to secondary. He also has ASD and ADHD.
My partners mum took him out of school in year 8 with guidance from the GP, social services and the schools safeguarding team. The school sent him home work to do in the meantime and then the council got him into a college where he could do his Maths and English GCSE prep alongside a building course.

He changed completely after that, he mellowed out, was less anxious and aggressive and was such a happy boy. He’s now 16 and just completed his GCSEs and will be doing his college course full time in September.

Appreciate that home school is not always an option but it might be worth speaking to the school and the council about options for your DD.

Thank you i really appreciate your reply. I have emailed the head of education, in fact almost everyone I can think of but theu just tell me to keep getting g her into school. I have to take her my ex has to pick her up early and she is literally getting burnt out and more and more anxious.

I am not sure I am intelligent enough to home school. The government have given me £17 a month dla? So between work, navigating school which is a part time job and general life i have nothing left for any kid of life for myself.

Even my mother who was very involved has backed off as her struggles escalate which I have found particularly hurtful. She is a creative, funny warm intelligent child but I feel we are not really getting very much help. Every time I contact early help or anyone they just sign post me to somewhere i have been signposted before.

that sounds really hard I’m so sorry 😔
have you spoken to GP about the anxiety? Perhaps could get into therapy with CAMHS, I know they aren’t perfect but they do help a lot of children

We are in therapy with CAHMS we have been today. It sounds quite funny but it not but since it’s been really hot she is struggling in the classroom because of the sweaty kids she has a major issue with smells. She only has one friend from student support and she has her own set of issues but they seem to rub along ok but brutally honest to each other.

if this friendship falls apart i dread to think.

It's really tough @AliceRu26
We're at the end of our third year with varying levels of EBSA in both DC (both autistic)
I've recently stopped working because every single day I wake up not knowing who if anyone is going to school that day. My work were amazing through the chaos for such a long time but it just wasn't sustainable and it's not going to change any time soon

You have 2. I cannot imagine that when you tell people my child will not go to school they look at you like you have got 3 heads. I have had 3 jobs in the last 3 years bevause the others did not understand. I have a bit more flexibility and relaxed workplace now but I end up in work sometimes so stressed that I can barely remember my own name. It’s only the end of year 7 surely there has to be a solution.

i simply cannot let her wilt away in her room but school
will not send work home and I cannot take her out of school because then where will we be. Her head of year will be kicking his height now he knows his time with me is over. It’s been absolutely brutal since last September and not many people get it. Then I feel guilty, is it bevause she went between two homes she has anxiety. It’s incredibly hard.

There is a lot of help out there. Have a look on FB fkrbsome support groups. 'Not Fine in School' is a good place to start. Im a teacher. I value education and l9ved School so found it completely confounding when mine struggled. My dd in particular sounds like yours..she wanted to but just couldnt. I was fortunate ti be able to move her to a small private school and she mostly copes with about 80% attendance with decent grades so that will do as far as I am.concerned.
One of the hardest things in advocating fir your child to grandparents or others who think you should 'make them go" , " make home boring / unpleasant/ cold' do they'll want to go to school. Hang in there OP.. and do look at those support groups

Honestly my colleagues saw me in tears more than my family did over the last couple of years!
Are school helpful/supportive? Have you/they looked at getting an EHCP? My eldest now has one (still fighting for the youngest) but just having that in place has helped. And has also helped the youngest as school see similar issues even though we don't have the paperwork

£17 per month DLA can't be correct:

Care component
Care componentWeekly rate
Lowest
£30.30
Middle
£76.70
Highest
£114.60
Mobility component
Mobility componentWeekly rate
Lower
£30.30
Higher
£80

Look into that again and if only on low rate consider appealing. Cerebra have a good guide to help with applications. If your child isn't in school much due to anxiety mid rate seems more appropriate. That would give you carers element on UC plus no work commitments which would take pressure off.

Ive had 5 years of this. We are just coming out of it now. I haven’t been able to work because I can’t find anything that works around DDs timetable and occasional issues.
I had to push school every day for support but also DD to keep trying. It’s exhausting

If DD cannot attend school full-time, the LA has a duty to ensure she still receives a suitable, full-time education. Have you requested alternative provision from the LA?

Alongside this, also request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Has DD had a sensory OT assessment?

No DLA rate is only £17 per month. You should re-look at that. Are you getting the disabled child element on UC? Since you still have work commitments, I take it DD wasn’t awarded MRC or HRC? You should request a change of circumstances.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DD’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

You are not alone, there are a lot of us.

We went through exactly this, by Y10 & Y11 her attendance was about 10%. She did pass 5 GCSEs, which was good.

She’s 20 now, she has a job at the local pub, she’s at college, she had learned to drive and has a car. Socially / Emotionally I would say she’s about 3 years younger than her chronological age.

Someone who mentioned https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

Please read what they have to say, and reach out to them.

Try not to get stressed, this will all work out .. what your child needs is to know they are safe, they are loved, and you are on their side. I found climbing into her world was good, the best time to have a “proper” chat was when she was playing a video game, or out in the car with music on.

Sertraline was a big game changer for us, and getting her therapy, both of those have been in our lives for the past 4 years.

Its not your job to force her into school, it’s the schools job to make it a safe place for her to attend.

DD is such a lovely young woman now, but she spent about 2 years in her bedroom, and didn’t speak to is for about 12 months of that. I just kept telling her a loved her, and was there for her.

So sorry you are going through this. I have worked as an EBSA support worker in secondary school so understand how hard this is on parents. I have found some useful resources for supporting anxiety and particularly found the Maple Path communication cards helpful for children who would shutdown verbally when becoming overwhelmed. It helped me to understand their needs and took the pressure off them having to communicate which kept everything calmer. I also found the school wellbeing cards by Dr Jerricah invaluable as they often brought up unexpected reasons for the way a child was feeling, sometimes they didn't even realise themselves until they saw it written on a card. I'll put the links to both websites below:
Maple Path
School well being cards