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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to stop being jealous

14 replies

SillyGooseyGander · 02/07/2026 17:01

This will be long, feel free to skim if you don't enjoy indepth context.

I recently bumped into a friend I haven't seen since we left school (now mid 40s).

We were friends in primary school and then in high school. We were very close all throughout, best friends really, but we had a really unhealthy competitive thing going on. When I look back, it is weird because I'm not a particularly competitive person in general and haven't had this sort of dynamic in any other relationship in my life, but with her there was this real "I love you but I want to be better than you at any cost" situation that meant there was always a sharp edge to the friendship. Definitely a two way thing - she'd be open about wanting to beat me at everything too. Really can't pinpoint why - except that we were very close in age, both very sporty and generally would be at or near the top of the class so it would often be either me or her getting the top grade or being made captain of the team etc. Also we were both considered quite pretty and popular, so I guess other people would compare us a lot Which created competition.

Anyway, we eventually fell out for good at 17, when she "stole my boyfriend". I'm obviously joking here, hence the inverted commas, as they were equally to blame. But at the time, being very young, I blamed her more because the betrayal from her felt worse and (with the benefit of adult reflection) it probably stung because it felt like she won him and I lost. Anyway, she was then dead to me and she wasn't actually at all remorseful and then hated me back equally so we did not talk at all. Both then moved away for uni, not been in touch since.

I returned to our hometown shortly after finishing uni, I was aware via the grapevine that she'd moved to London.

Roll on last week, when I'm filling my car with petrol and sense someone looking at me. It's her, filling her car at the pump across from me. I waved and we had a short chat. Obviously all the boyfriend stealing stuff is water under the bridge, and it was a genuinely nice short catch up. She explained she's recently moved back to the area and said the name of the road she lives on, said a few generic things like "it's lovely leaving london and having more space, it's very close to my daughter's school" etc. All good, said we'd probably see each other around. Said bye.

Anyway, this road she lives on is basically the main road leading in to town so I drive on it daily on my way to work. It's long and has over 100 houses of varying sizes and style. This morning on my way to work, I see her coming out of her house with her DD. Now to the point of my post:

Her house is basically a bloody huge mansion. Like, it wouldn't look out of place on MTV cribs. I already know the house because when it went up for sale, several of my WhatsApp group chats with work/family/school mums were sharing the rightmove listing because this house is such a stand out. Think swimming pool, 5 huge bedrooms all with boutique hotel style ensuites, huge sweeping kitchen that looks like it's out of an interiors magazine etc. Whether it's your taste or not, I think everyone would agree it's a wow. My house is pretty nice - detached 4 beds, decorated nicely etc, but hers is something I could only afford if I won the lottery.

And I'm absolutely seething with jealousy.

No aibu, because I absolutely know I'm unreasonable. But has anyone got any tips on how I can will myself to be less jealous and miserable about her beautiful house? Please feel free to share any tales of your own jealousy and how you overcame it.

OP posts:
SillyGooseyGander · 02/07/2026 19:13

Bumping

OP posts:
hourspassed · 02/07/2026 19:32

It's all relative though isn't it?

You have a lovely 4 bed detached house. Someone in a two bed terrace might drive past your house and be thinking the same as you - I'd need to win the lottery to buy that. Or worse still, someone without a home at all?

There is always someone with more and always someone with less. That's life. No point letting these feelings fester. I'm not sure you can miraculously overcome feelings of jealousy, just try to be happy for her. It doesn't mean by being happy for someone else that you diminish your own successes.

How would your life be better if you had five fancy bedrooms (compared with the four you already have?) Would it really make you a much happier person?

houseofisms · 02/07/2026 19:38

Not a tale of jealousy but you never know what’s going on behind the scenes.

I was married, kids, big house, HUGE diamond on my finger, both had high paying jobs and everyone thought we had the perfect life.

my now ex h was abusive as hell both mentally and physically. We’d been together since uni and he changed as he climbed the ranks.

no one knew, not even my closest friends!

I now live in a large 5 bed by the sea with my awesome partner of 6 years. People probably look at us with jealousy due to our house (that we got ridiculously cheap) and our brand new car.

but….. I had cancer last year, young kids. We almost lost the house (and my life!) the house is paid off by life insurance and my brand new car is a motorbility car!

just because someone seems to ‘have it all’ doesn’t necessarily mean they’re happy or not going through shit.

obviously that’s not the case for everyone but if it helps not to think someone else has it better.

in my experience, the people that shout loudest about how great their lives are have something else going on

ServietteUnion · 02/07/2026 19:42

Gratitude.

Buy a notebook and before you go to sleep each night, fill a page with a bullet list of things you're grateful for or make you happy. At first it will be perfunctory and self-conscious, "roof over my head", "not in a war zone unlike some". Some days it will be uninspired, "saw my mum", "pizza for tea". Some days it will get to the heart of who you are and what moves you. It doesn't matter if you miss a day here or there. No one is marking you on your homework. But try to make it a disciplined habit, like brushing your teeth.

It will change your life.

Traceysgoingtobelivid · 02/07/2026 19:43

Just give it a bit of time, in a few weeks you won’t be so bothered, at the minute it’s a shock that your rival/frenimie has achieved the McMansion, your feelings about it will fade in time, just get on with your life and don’t arrange to revive the friendship which never sounded healthy in the first place.

Bringemout · 02/07/2026 19:51

I think many of us have felt a pang of this at some point. It’s always good to look at your own life and think about what you are grateful for. What she has or does not have takes away nothing from you. Whether she’s rich or poor, happy or unhappy will make no difference to your bank balance or your happiness. You have no idea what her life is like on the inside so don’t waste time worrying about it.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to go home shut the door and leave the rest of the world on the other side. I had a moment of pique earlier and had to consciously shut it out of my home because it was following me around like a cloud over my head and disturbing my mood.

user1471453601 · 02/07/2026 20:04

Perhaps you could try asking yourself if you have "enough" whatever enough looks and feels like to you?
If the answer is yes, then just let the feeling of envy go. If it's no, I don't have enough, then you may have rethink your life and goals.
My oldest friend is a millionaire. I truly don't envy her the wealth. I'm what most would consider comfortable and that's enough for me.

I've found the concept of having enough (money, friendship, love everything really) a comforting way to live my life.

Pudmyboy · 02/07/2026 20:09

I think also, congratulate yourself on recognising jealousy, instead of just seething about it.
I was once jealous of an old school friend, but it took me a while to realise it because I didn't know that jealousy could feel like righteous anger. It's only when I realised I couldn't pinpoint anything she had done wrong that it dawned on me what was going on and it was a shock.
Once I did realise, I examined (mentally) her life in detail and what she had to do to get there, and I wouldn't have done the same, so the jealousy evaporated.

Alabasterlights · 02/07/2026 20:11

Well it’s up to you op. You can either waste your valuable time and head space being pissed off with this woman that you don’t even know who appears to have “more” than you? Or you can recognise that it’s not worth your time, and move on.

JanBlues2026 · 02/07/2026 20:17

Get back in touch with her, rekindle the friendship and you may get invited to some lovely parties at her house, will be nice to have a bestie with a pool 😄

5128gap · 02/07/2026 20:45

You need to go back to her being 'dead to you'.
It wasn't a friendship when you were young, it was a horrible toxic competition culminating in her going off with your boyfriend to prove she could beat you.
You've had 20 years of freedom from it, presumably filling your life with genuine, positive relationships that enhance your life, and being happy with your lot.
The aim is to focus on that. Because she really is nothing to you. Her life is irrelevant to yours. She could live in a mansion or a box and it would make not an iota of difference to you.
So stop thinking about her. Don't reconnect and carry on with your life like she never came back.

SillyGooseyGander · 03/07/2026 12:15

Thanks everyone. Sleeping on it gave me some perspective. Although I will probably see her occasionally around town, it's unlikely we will ever be more than strangers who wave at each other in passing, so where she lives is totally irrelevant.

I've got lots to be grateful for and I bet having a pool is a bloody nightmare anyway 😅

OP posts:
Isitevensummer · 03/07/2026 12:36

Its ok to feel Jealous There are no feelings that aren't ok, it's the response that matters. Acknowledge the feeling, the reasons for it, focus on the choices you have made and the fact there were good reasons for them and focus your attention on something else.

BeSunnyLemonSheep · 03/07/2026 12:46

You do realise that having a 4 bed detached house is something most people could only afford if they won the lottery, right?

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