To let the friendship fade out?

[heldclouds]

I’ve had a longtime friend, let’s call her Rachel, who is also a work colleague. We were friends prior to working together, ended up at the same company and now in the same department.

Initially, Rachel and I were very close friends. We spent a lot of time together and confided a lot in each other about various problems etc.

I eventually met my (now) husband 7 years ago, we got married around 2 years ago.

When Rachel heard I was getting married, things sort of seemed to change? I couldn’t really work out why but it felt like our close bond wasn’t quite as close anymore somehow.

For some context, Rachel struggles a lot with romantic relationships. She falls very hard and fast and this has unfortunately meant that some guys have ended up branding her clingy and obsessive. She hasn’t ever really had a serious relationship. Of course, this makes no difference to me! I have always tried my best to support her and encourage her. I only ever give her my advice when she asks, and even then I always try to be gentle about it.

I’m not sure if she felt that my life was moving on where hers wasn’t, but perhaps that is harsh of me to think!

It sort of came to a head in that Rachel became interested in a friend of my husbands after they met at the wedding. Said friend has now said he’s not interested at all and she is trying to get me to be a middle man to facilitate it. I’ve tried saying that I don’t want to get involved but she keeps pushing.

Since all of that has happened I’ve noticed that she almost seems to have turned on me. Some recent examples of this are:

Saying I don’t deserve a pay rise as she isn’t getting one and I don’t really do that much

Commenting that she doesn’t like xyz about our house and that she would do things completely differently

Saying I am cruel for paying for vet treatment for a treatable condition that our cat has, and that we should just have him put down

Commenting on my relationship and things she views as unhealthy - the main one being that we go out seperately to see friends, she thinks it’s odd that we don’t do this together?

Theres probably some others as well but these are the main ones I’ve thought of.

It seems out of character for her from previous years that I have known her, but she’s been like this for a long time now!

I then recently heard from a colleague (so taken with a pinch of salt I know!) that she thinks my work is poor, that I’m lazy and that I am incompetent. If she’s saying these things then it can obviously really sabotage my work, but I don’t know how to address this without making it clear I’ve heard this info second hand.

After talking it through with DH, I decided to take a step back from the friendship and let it die off.

However off the back of this, she sent me a long message about how much she’s struggling at the moment and how she really needs support.

I’m now really torn as to whether I should continue with my initial plan, or whether I should give her the benefit of the doubt and try to support and maintain the friendship? I feel awful giving up in a time of need but I also don’t want to keep having these comments made either to or about me! I feel like I have to prioritise myself at some point

aibu to cut off the friendship?

Cut her off, you could loose your job from those comments of hers. I would make her aware that you know what she’s been saying at work and while your sorry she’s going through a rough time it doesn’t warrant her behaviour and you need to step back as she’s hurt you.

You can just say unfortunately I don't feel able to offer you this support. I appreciate the is a difficult time but the comments you make to and about me are having a negative impact on me and I need to take care of my own wellbeing. I would also gently flag this with your boss before doing so. Not the whole thing but that the comments you are hearing are making you uncomfortable and you feel like you are going to put some distance in space and are aware she might need some additional support

I would arrange to meet her and say ‘I know you’re struggling but before I can commit to offering support I need to know if what I’ve heard that’s been said, xyz, is true as this could be very damaging’.

Depending on what she says is whether you offer your support.

If you do, and hear her struggles, I would also ask her if this has been the cause for all the negative comments towards you, house, cat etc…, as you’ve never known her to be like this before.

Then support her if you wish to, but if you don’t at least you’ve got this all off your chest and made her take accountability for her actions.

Thanks for the responses so far, I feel like it’s a really tricky one!

I’m apprehensive to mention it at work as I don’t really want it to become ‘workplace drama’ but perhaps that is unavoidable.

i do agree that I shouldn’t just let it lie though and should voice my upset if I am going to try and continue the friendship

Unfortunately I think not replying to a long message asking for support will escalate things, it isn't going to be seen as doing nothing or letting it fade, she isn't someone to go quietly.

I'd make sure work are aware, so any comments are seen as her problem rather than yours.
I would also have a coffee rather than a long text exchange she can pick apart and drag out. You can tell her what you've heard and point out that support doesn't mean putting up with her lashing out. I'd emotionally disengage but stay civil, as you do need to work together.