AIBU to feel undermined by my manager's comments about my husband at work?

[Watermeloncocktail]

My DH and I are co-workers and have been for quite some time. It's never caused any issues - in fact we both love it!

We work in the same department under the same line manager. We don't see each other most days but do come together with the rest of our team on a regular basis.

Our current manager always tells me how lucky I am to have him, both in meetings and in training sessions IN FRONT of our colleagues. She said during a training session "oh you'll be fine as you're sitting beside him" "you'll be ok you've got him to show you" etc. I find this so degrading, I worked for the company first, I'm good at my job! I really don't want to be compared to anyone else. I don't think anyone deserves treatment like this. I'm the only one who gets treated like this. I feel she negatively singles me out to big him up.

My DH is amazing and deserves praise but not at my expense surely? She could compliment him without bringing me into it right? She's setting a standard for everyone else, one of our other colleagues said a phase similar but I found my self biting back instantly without hesitation, telling them "that really annoys me when people say that, I really can't stand it"

I'm beginning to get so anxious before meetings. I have fought back using humour, saying things like behind every great man or I was here first but I really want to set some very clear professional boundaries and would love some advice on how to that. It's impacting my job satisfaction and my confidence, I don't wanna cause any issues or conflict but I feel my self losing control and composure now.

Aibu for feeling like this? I don't think she realises the harm she is causing to me

Document what she says, put it in an email and send it to her and confirm that thats what she said.

Doesnt matter if she responds or not - then both you and your other half should launch a grievance on her.

She is massively unprofessional - I wouldnt let her get away with remarks like that.

I usually wouldn’t do the ‘ask your husband to say something’ thing, but in this case it is absolutely appropriate. Get him to push back when the manager says these things. “XX is the expert in this activity”. “XX doesn’t need me to show her anything, she’s fully capable”, “that’s funny XX was here first and actually showed me how to…”, it would probably also be good for him to have a quiet word asking the manager to stop.

I would ask her to repeat the comment when she says it publicly, or say "Oh right. What makes you say that?"

Then speak to her privately. "I notice you are making public comments questionning my ability to do my job. Please stop doing that. If you have a problem please speak to me privately."

Make a note of everything she has said so far and when and to whom, and your own replies. Then if she doesn't stop, raise a grievance.

It's borderline discrimination - marital status and sex both covered by Equality Act 2010.

Definitely document what is being said and both you and DH separately request in your next one to one meeting that you ask her to stop.

I would hate that op and I completely understand why you feel as you do. I would request a meeting and tell her what you’ve written here. That she is undermining you in a group setting, it is unprofessional and you want her to stop. If she tries to laugh it off or doesn't take it seriously, escalate to HR.

Is it said on the context that your DH is the team’s mentor or go-to person or trainer for work questions, new systems or processes and showing others the ropes?

If he does take this role, maybe she means it on the way that you are covered as an employee, not because you are spouses.

Working together and being married will definitely affect dynamics even if you think it shouldn’t, it will. I worked alongside someone who was managing a husband and wife duo and because they are romantic partners it stood out. Maybe if you really want leas conflict one of you may need to find another line manager or business area.

You need to take her aside, ask for a private chat (I would ask for that private chat in others’ earshot too) and then take her into an office and explain it is unacceptable and why and how it makes you feel. Follow up with an email confirming what you said, she said and how it was resolved.

she won’t do it again, I am pretty sure.

On things that he is the go to person on she specifically singles me out and goes on to say comments like in my op. If another person or even myself is the lead on a project she doesn't do/say things in the same way.

She has tried to communicate through my husband to me - she actually caught herself on one day and told him not to answer her, that she would speak to me herself. (Not conversations that she would have about me to other colleagues so she shouldn't have them with him, he's not her messenger) She has chatted in great detail to our team (individually) about a co-worker that was suspended and gave away some private details of the case. She doesn't act professionally imo. The reason I came here for advice was because I'm afraid to raise this issue for the exact reasons you've stated in your comment.... That its because we are married. If she was putting anyone else down to build another person up I would actually speak up for them.

There are areas where I or another team member are more experienced and she doesn't put me/them down but she doesn't tell my husband or our colleagues how lucky he/there are. In this instance, she does it as more of group friendly/professional manner.

I don't think it would be fair for her unprofessionalism to be the reason for one of us to have to change role/department/company. It's not us causing an issue. We are both well recognised and respected in the company with senior management and directors. It's a very lovely firm and is being married has never ever caused an issue until now. She's relatively new to the firm

If she singled me out or compared me against another colleague I wouldn't hesitate to confront her or escalate if necessary. My husband agrees that is very unfair and not nice, he backs me up when I speak up in these moments but he shouldn't have to

He has actually done this on numerous occasions. Everything you've mentioned, he's done it and without me having to ask. He's been so supportive which helps me to see that I'm not insane lol it annoys him too! I think it's gotta to the point now that I have to speak to her. I absolutely hate conflict 😞

Is it? I'm not even sure she realises she's doing it or the harm it's caused to me. I think it's petty and so not necessary. Absolutely build someone up and recognise their achievements and celebrate them but not at the expense of others. I think her behaviour even when theres not a couple involved would cause resentment and tension in the workplace. I'm too afraid to speak up incase she prays on the fact we are married and that that's the issue and not her.