AIBU to give up trying with in-laws after hurtful lies?

[Lillyflower12]

AIBU to grieve for lovely in-laws? Feeling particularly low that I did not gain lovely in-laws when I married my husband. I went into the marriage without my own mum, and gave it my all, would help in any way I could , take my MIL for lunch / dinner, try to organise cousin playdates with my husbands sister as we were on maternity leave the same time, bought lovely Xmas gifts, birthday gifts, always the one to take our children to see the in-laws (they would never come up) would always just “let things slide when they went to far with things” only to find out they have been speaking very poorly about me behind my back, telling lies to the wider family, trying to turn DH against me. AIBU to just give up? No more birthday efforts no more Xmas cooking or gifts, no more bundling my children into the car to see them, some really horrid stuff has been said.

What has DH said about the way you're being treated?

If the facts are as you describe - unless there is any chance you’ve been misinformed - I think you are better opening a chasm between your family and theirs.

Obviously you’re not being unreasonable. I stopped making any effort with mine, sort of a ‘match their energy’ kind of thing and they were surprised at first but it’s been great for me. I only have to see them at Christmas.

No YANBU. what have they said about you?

I think you should ask them if it’s true .

Also, who told you? Because if it is your husband, that is not good

Yes we’ve had the conversation and me trying to stand up for myself which lead to me being shouted at and even more lies which left me completely confused. DH was embarrassed of them initially, has tried to stand up for me, his mother turned on him claiming he was just under the thumb (which could not be further from the truth) so now DH wants to just keep the peace. I am not feeling very peaceful

Yes DH told me, came home one evening quite accusatory untill he saw the look on my face

Well your husband is at least part of this problem. But absolutely, draw back. There is nothing to be gained by trying to win them over, they are not pleasant people.

Sorry that you don’t have your own mum to turn to, but focus on cherishing your friends . At least you get to choose them .

Any context on what on earth has been said?

Oh there has been so much basically will say or do anything to try to make me look like a bad person it doesnt matter to them if its true or not, if it makes them look good and me look bad they will say it truth or not. MIL is well known in the community for doing it to various people, I recently witnessed her do it to her own SIL who understandably got upset and “offish” with them when she next bumped into them. This made my MIL label her SIL as “bipolar” rather than think maybe she just had enough of being lied about. (Sorry Im digressing) just wish I had a nice MIL

Is your DH on your side now? He must know that his mum is a trouble-maker but his default position was to accuse you. That's not great.

You need to completely distance yourself from his family and stop buying presents/cards and ensuring that your children have a relationship with them.

Yes he is, well he did try to stand up for me, but has resorted back to the “thats how they are” which still doesn't make me feel much better

I think you also have a DH problem.
I'm not accusing, because I also had this problem. He needs to understand that pissing you off is way worse than pissing off his family of origin

Your DH is not responsible for their behaviour but he is absolutely responsible for how he responds to it. You now have a DH problem too.

Yes he is, well he did try to stand up for me, but has resorted back to the “thats how they are” which still doesn't make me feel much better

If he says it again, reply that by 'just how they are' you mean they're liars and shit stirrers.

You really do have a DH problem. It's quite possible that his response is the result of years of conditioning to appease his mum, don't rock the boat. But that doesn't make it acceptable. I'm not sure I could be happy in a relationship where my partner/husband effectively gave his parents carte blanche to say whatever they liked about me, even when it was lies and nasty ones at that.

You've obviously talked about it with him, but just how strongly have you expressed how you feel? I'd be going nuclear.

I have been really upset and angry but he doesn’t seem to take what I say seriously, he thinks time will make all this settle down but I dont think I will forget this hurt.