Aibu to think maintaining relationship with husband is going to be tricky in this season of life?

[Advice5]

Have you found it harder to maintain your relationship with your husband after kids? Aibu to think this is normal as you work, need to care for kids etc? When do you fit quality time in to maintain your marriage/relationship? I want more quality time but trying to accept that this is the season of life we are in with young kids. Tia x

What do you mean by quality time? Sex? Conversation? Childfree time? Whatever it is it’s worth talking openly and honestly about what you both want and how to get it or you can find, as many couples do, that the kids grow up and need less of you and you barely recognise the person you once loved most in the world and your relationship is dead.

When l was working full time and had the DC young , l prioritized my time off and spent it with my DH and he with me . We didn't go out individually.

You have to make an effort if you don’t want to be one of those couples who divorce as soon as the kids have left home.

This reads like AI.

What specifically are you struggling with?

Yes it’s tricky. What specifically is your DH struggling with? It reads like you feel it’s normal and he expects more “quality time”?

Can you get the odd babysitter or family to take DC? Or we’ve found creating a nice routine involving kids helps eg a nice walk and pop to the pub with DC but they’re not the focal point, evenings after they’re in bed where you ignore the washing up etc helps.

Of course it’s tricky ! What works will look different for everyone- but there’s no doubt this season is hard - you are no longer footloose and child-free !

what season? new born babies, recovering from birth, little sleep? toddlers who take ages to get to sleep? primary school kids and being knackered trying to get all their stuff sorted? teens who go to bed later than you? peri menopausal? menopausal? DH letting himself go? you letting yourself go? working opposite hours to reduce childcare? I mean you could be literally going through any period, how is anyone meant to answer?

Yes it is hard - and the way to navigate it is to actually talk to each other about how you want to nurture your relationship at this stage?

You need to sit down and work out together whether you would like a ‘date night’ at home each week, a paid for baby sitter night once a month and a couple of weekends (or one night stays) away where you enlist GPs to help if they are available. It is really hard, but if you both pretend it is not an issue, it is hard to keep your relationship on track. My youngest is about to go to uni and DH and I have been talking and planning what this will mean for us for several years - at least one week away just us alone every year, for example (we’d still like to take the kids on an annual hol with friends/GFs), lots of city breaks and date nights, perhaps a shared hobby [golf over my dead body]. Plus he is now in a position where I can fly out and join him on many business trips with the aim of adding the weekend before/after together. We’ve already started booking tickets and overnight stays in London [we have dogs, so not been easy to arrange without some planning].

But the point is we always talked about it, acknowledged this was a difficult time when we needed to prioritise the kids and work - but we made sure that didn’t mean that our relationship wasn’t also a priority, too. So I would talk to your husband and make sure he knows that you love him, value him and value your relationship and want to plan how to nurture that when life and kids might swamp you both.

Sorry should have added more info. We are both knackered I guess lol with working hard and kids.. youngest is 3. We do spend time together i guess it's down to the tiredness of it all and we just aren't at an exciting stage of life in terms of for each other if that makes sense? Due to tiredness and busyness!

Any other views?

we have always prioritised keeping our relationship special, we make time for eachother and are still intimate, things definitely aren’t as spontaneous as they used to be haha!
but we love eachother and value eachothers company so make it work, even simple things like kids having an early night and we watch a film with snacks, no phones ect. It doesn’t have to be big dates or breaks away

Well you don't have as much time together but there are things you can do.
Sit down and eat together after the children are in bed. Keep your sense of humour.
Once the children are a bit older it's actually harder as they don't go to bed so early.