AIBU to find my friend’s expectations for contact rather demanding?

[Senso]

I have an older friend who lives in another country and so we keep in touch via WhatsApp or zoom etc.

I am very fond of her but also find her a bit demanding as she gets stroppy if I don’t ring often enough.

she never phones me but expects me to get in touch at least once every couple of weeks.

it’s not that I deliberately don’t call, more that life is busy and suddenly I’ll realise weeks have gone by without contact. Then I get in touch to be met with a frosty greeting before she warms up again.

Is this normal behaviour?

No, the phone works two ways. I respond to people the way they are with me, if they don't call I don't call either.

There is a cultural element to this in that she believes it is the younger generation’s responsibility to initiate contact with the elder, never the other way round.

You've asked us if it's 'normal' though?

So are you actually asking if it's normal in British culture? If you are then the answer is no.

Either way you need to tell her (if you haven't already) that she needs to step up and contact you, regardless of her beliefs.

Well that sounds more like obligation than friendship to me, and not much fun.

If you want to stay friends, only give her the time that you want to, and she can take it or leave it. It might help to have a schedule - eg a call on the last Sunday every other month? Explain to her that you can’t call more often due to a busy life but that you do care about her. She’s free to call you any time in between if she needs to chat though. If that’s not good enough for her then she’s not really a friend is she.

I couldn't put up with all that stroppy nonsense all the time from her. I would be inclined to just leave it and see if she ever initiates a phone call. Friendship involves participation from both sides.

i have tried that in the past but she then starts posting passive aggressive updates on her sm accounts.

I know I should probably have a conversation about it but after so many years of this pattern, it’s hard to know where to begin

In that case, I'd just block her. She sounds like a demanding pain in the arse. Your relationship is a one way street and I doubt that you get anything positive from it.

You're going about this the wrong way, OP. All your posts are about her expectations and preferences. What do you want? What pattern of contact would you prefer? Just do that, and let her manage her own emotions about it. If she's frosty on a call because she thinks it's been too long, say 'I can hear you're a bit disregulated, Helen, so I'm going to go and let you gather yourself.' Again, her emotions are hers to deal with.

It's really really simple though and I'm not sure why you're making out it's not?

The next time she strops because you haven't contacted her, tell her you expect her to instigate contact too.

If you don't look at her SM accounts then you wouldn't see any of her nonsense.