AIBU to worry my daughter is becoming quietly overlooked too?

[NorthCoast500]

I have never been “popular”. Not as a schoolgirl, not as a student, not as a school mum. I’ve had a couple of good friends but I have never been one of the big “in” group.

I don’t think I am generally actively disliked. Mainly I have always been a bit…invisible. People aren’t really all that interested. I think I’m quite a normal person really. I am kind to people. I don’t think I’m ever nasty. I am quite shy and a bit socially awkward perhaps but I am careful not to hog the conversation or just talk about myself etc. I’m probably just not very interesting, really.

This used to bother me a lot in school etc. but not so much any more. I have my small circle of friends, family, husband. I don’t have much of a social life but for now, that’s ok.

But now I’m seeing my 12 year old - my lovely, clever, kind, funny daughter - going the exact same way. Overlooked, invisible, with a couple of good friends but left out of a big party at the weekend. People seem to like her, it’s just like she flies under the radar.

I am upset about it, to be honest (she knows nothing about any of this by the way, but it’ll come to light over the next few days no doubt, and I’ll be championing her and helping her to focus on her good friendships). She doesn’t have a nasty bone in her body. Shes a great friend. I don’t understand it. Shes way better than I ever was as well. A lot cleverer, funnier, more outgoing and less awkward.

I want to add that I don’t particularly care that she isn’t in the “popular” group, as long as she has a few good friends, which she does. But the bigger stuff, the lack of party invite etc, that’s really galling.

Why are some girls just so popular and well liked, while others are so invisible? What is that? I’m genuinely starting to think it’s just something you’re born with.

A couple of good friends is good though. And I found with dd1 who was the same that the couple of good friends became a larger group of friends at secondary school.

@NorthCoast500 she might be fine and this could be your experience echoing/you’re feeling it all over again. She might have been glad to get out of it! Or she might not be glad, but she may still not be really down about it. Don’t over-think it, hopefully all is well 🙂

I was like that at school too. But honestly, I think having just a few close friends who are nice people is the way forward, both at school and as adults. At school, the in crowd was always full of drama, egos, bitchiness and fallings out. Don’t feel sad for her, she’s fine.

Has she had a party and invited people who may then reciprocate?
But I agree with you, to a certain extent you are just born with the mannerisms/ looks / approachability / sense of humour that gives you the potential to be popular.

You’re asking the wrong question about your DD’s lack of general appeal. You’ve put your finger on it yourself when talking about yourself — you say you’re ‘normal’, ‘not ever nasty’, slightly socially awkward, and that your main concern around others is not ‘hogging the conversation’ or talking about yourself. But what is it you bring to your friendships? Why would someone enjoy being around you rather than any other nice person? I don’t choose my friends because they’re inoffensive and ‘not nasty’. If what they’re talking about is fascinating, or they do it so well that their root canal is entertaining, I don’t care whether they hog the conversation. Like most people I choose friends because they’re interesting and good company. Most people are perfectly nice. It’s not a reason to be drawn to someone.

You and your DD should focus less on ‘nice’ and inoffensive and more on being yourselves. Think about what makes you you.

I was similar. What about getting her into a team sport like netball? I think being part of a team would have helped me.

Theres always going to be popular kids and quieter kids. I was an ‘invisible’ kid throughout school but became popular in my mid teens when I moved schools halfway through the year and somehow found myself in the “in crowd”. I was still quiet. I guess sometimes it’s not even down to the child, it’s just who they happen to make friends with.

I wasn’t happy though. I’d been much happier before, with my old friends at my old school. I remember feeling pressure to dress and act a certain way, hide my silly self, out of fear of “falling from grace”. 15 years later, I see how dramatic and sad that is, but at the time I felt like it was the most important thing.

though I do remember before moving schools feeling desperate to fit in and to get invited to the cool parties. Do you know how your daughter feels about it?

I agree

It’s normal to want to spare our kids the harder parts of our own childhoods.

In my experience, the popular girls at school are all the most boring ones now. A few close friends is good. Keep encouraging her to pursue her hobbies and interests and she will meet her people. Being happy is the goal, not being popular (as I’m sure you know).

Don’t be disheartened. I’ve had few close friends at school and was not with the “in” crowd but I found my group later, about 14, and then at uni. Later on I had been massively popular with huge groups of friends, parties etc. (even though I can’t say I’m always nice, I’m more of an edgy person lol).

it is often common interests and things like money/same level of income that determines the popular crowd.

Also to be fair being nice / sweet and being popular are not always correlated. Lots of people are fascinated by contrarians and opinionated people and less so by sweet / nice people (who usually just don’t want to offend people so may be not expressing opinions that may upset someone).

this is not to say that nice people should become not nice in order to become popular. Thus is to say that chasing popularity may not be actually that suits them / makes them happy and not something that they should really obsess about

I agree, well said.

Of course it's something you're born with, it's just plain old likeability.

It's very, very difficult to learn.

That’s also true.

Sounds like you’re /she is lacking charisma or find self-promotion and confidence difficult. People do not make space for others - especially teens - and so we have to push to take up space and be seen. She needs to ask if she can come to the party. Confidence building is paramount if you want your DD to light up a room rather than drift into being a wallflower.

However there’s also something called the ‘liking gap’ where we tend to underestimate how much others like and value us. So it could be you’re projecting a bit.

A third question - and it may seem cruel - but is her appearance quite drab and mousy? I’ve found that people really do treat some people who are more like that badly compared to others. A little boost like some highlights or a great haircut can stop her seeming like a little doormouse to be ignored.

When you are the child it feels like a negative but it does mean the queen bees are less likely to turn on you since yoy are not on the radar!

Came to say the same thing.

Bigger the group=bigger the drama, teen girls can be downright nasty. I would be careful what you wish for. X

I think you're looking at your daughter's experience through your own lens and ascribing an awful lot to it. She might be perfectly happy with a small group of friends. Or have no interest in being in with the popular group. I would be careful not to give her a complex about it or try relive your youth through her, correcting the wrongs you felt were done to you.

As an aside, is she in any extra curriculars? They can be amazing for forming a social group. Dance places that have shows, youth orchestras, sports, sooo many kids end up with a lovely group of friends from doing this kind of thing. It makes it a lot easier to get through the ups and downs of school when your whole circle doesn't rest on your classmates.

I'm really feeling for you, I was a child of Boomer parents & things were so much easier for those parents. Don't think it ever occurred to mine who I was friends with & whether I was popular or not.
They weren't bad parents - it was just very different times.
It's a much harder world now we are all so 'aware'.... Hope it all works out.

Don’t project your issues on to your kid. She may be perfectly happy with the way things are. She may not care about not being invited to a big party. And you saying something to her may make her question herself! Like I asked my son who was going off somewhere if he was nervous and he looked at me and asked why should he be nervous? Which then made him nervous! I could have cut my tongue out!
This is life OP, as you know. Even popular people get FOMO. Don’t make a big deal out of these sorts of things just because you were hurt by it back when you were young.

OP I think you are projecting your own experiences onto your DD's life and seeing parallels that may not be there at all. You need to ensure that you don't create anxiety for your DD where there currently isn't any.

Is your DD happy at school, socially, in general? There's nothing wrong with having just a couple of good friends.

The advice from a PP about being active in friendships rather than just neutrally "not unpleasant" is a really good point that might be more relevant for you than your DD.