AIBU to feel hurt DH stays friends with an “ex”?

[RedCurtained]

I know it’s controlling to dictate who your spouse is friends with, and I’ve never told DH he can’t be friends with her, but I’m just wondering if others would feel really disappointed and hurt that the friendship continues.

Been with DH 10 years. Before we got together he was in a situationship with someone on and off for a few years. I think it was more that they had a lot of shared interests and both single and tried to make it work but it never became a real thing.

When we got together, she was still very much a close friend. A few months in we split up and they went away together and I have no idea if they slept together, etc but I appreciate we weren’t together so never truly asked about it.

Soon after we got back together and I just never felt comfortable about their friendship. About a year in, I went through their WhatsApp chat (I know I know) and whilst there was nothing to suggest anything was happening, there were several messages where he would have to reassure her that she will always remain a good friend despite our relationship, etc. She also complained that he’s under my thumb after some exchanges about me being unhappy about them wanting go on another trip together. I’ve never told him I read these as they were old messages.

We became serious and she seemed to be very unhappy with life. Once we got engaged, she packed up her job and moved to a different city. A few months later DH traveled to see her and she got drunk and told him she has feelings for him and wishes they were together (took me days to drag this out of DH as a few weeks later he let slip something had happened but he refused to tell me out of respect for her…).

Eventually she met someone else and is now settled but her and DH still stay in touch and meet up from time to time. He’s never once introduced me to her.

And I just don’t like it. We don’t argue about her anymore, but I just feel like why are they still in touch and meeting. I’ve never told him that he can’t be friends with her and years ago when he asked if that’s what I want I told him it’s not my place to make such a demand.

But at the same time I feel it’s so disrespectful to be friends with her. Whilst nothing physical has happened in years, she is still
someone who resented me being on the scene, who has tried to drive a wedge in the past, who never congratulated him when he told her we’re engaged, expecting, etc. I genuinely don’t think he sees her as anymore
than a dear friend, but I just don’t like it.

Just wondering what other think.

YABU - it is controlling. The past is the past and their friendship is now fine.

YANBU - it is disrespectful to maintain a friendship with someone who has never wished your relationship well.

There must be more issues in the relationship if you're still worried about a friend 10 year and DC in to it. Do you not trust him? Does he make you feel loved and like you're a priority?

Oh he definitely does. But I guess you’re right - why do I still feel so insecure about her. I guess because I fear that they may reignite that initial bond.

They’re out for a drink together right now, just to explain the timing of my post. I don’t think about their friendship generally, only when I see her name on his phone or they meet up.

Just to add, I guess him always reassuring me there’s nothing going on and it’s in my head, and actually she ended up having a bit of a life crisis once we got engaged and then told him she loved him before we got married just makes me wonder if it’s a friendship from her part, and whether he enjoys the attention and knowing there’s someone there who he has that history with. There are still times he will meet her and not tell me, but he’s never given me any reason to think there is something going on from his side.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I had dinner with an ex last week - we were never massively serious but we both lost parents around the same time, both split up with serious partners around the same time, and we were actually born on the same day - we met on separate nights out for our birthday. I don’t love him, never have, but I care that he is ok. We only see each other every couple of years, there’s no spark, I’ve never introduced him to a partner of mine (and neither has he), and none of them were bothered by it. I don’t think it’s disrespectful at all.

In all this time you’ve never met her? that’s odd if they’re such good pals.

These things are nuanced. DH is friends with a couple of exes, as am I, and we each see them occasionally - probably about once every 18 months. So that wouldn’t bother me personally se. But we’ve all met each other’s exes and, as noted above, the contact is quite infrequent. In this case, the fact you’ve never met is odd and he seems to retain an excessive level of contact. It does sound lije she wanted more and may still carry a torch for him. So i think your unease is understandable and your DH ought to back off her a bit.

@RedCurtained didn’t you meet her at your wedding and vice versa?

I can see it might feel odd, but I think it shows you he is a good guy.

took me days to drag this out of DH as a few weeks later he let slip something had happened but he refused to tell me out of respect for her…).
This really sticks out to me in your post. That even though he was engaged to you he prioritised her feelings over yours.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if my H was going on dates with a woman who had told him in the past she loves him.
And the fact he keeps their meetings secret from you sometimes would suggest there is something to be secretive about.
Given his previous history of prioritising her feelings and keeping things from you I would worry about their relationship.

I went to my ex's wedding and he came to mine.

I am not sure about the declaration of love though. I think if DH had that history with someone I would feel uncomfortable.

But on balance, your DH continued with his plans to marry you so didn't appear to have similar feelings towards her and if nothing has happened in the last 10 years then it probably won't.

I was very close friends with my ex when I met my DH. We had been seperated for 5 years at that point and the friendship was very much just friendly. I told my DH about him on the second or third date (I wanted to get it in early).

It became clear to me over time that DH was uncomfortable with it. He never said it explicitly, but I could just tell. I have phased the friendship out over time out of respect for my DH. I never wanted it to get to the point where he had to tell me that something I was doing made him feel insecure in our relationship.

my test in this situation is to say ok, how about next time you meet up ill come along too? If they’re just friends that shouldn’t be a problem. Just say you’d like to meet her. Why shouldn’t you? I had one boyfriend who said no but wanted to keep seeing an ex. He’s now an ex. My current boyfriend said yes ok and cancelled their meet up as I couldn’t go, and told her I needed to meet her. She didn’t like that, she clearly saw it that they were more than friends.

I’d have no issue with them remaining friends, but it’s weird that you’ve never met her. Can’t you suggest meeting up with her and her partner?