AIBU to expect my husband to swap rooms for the children?

[Anonymous23458d]

Myself and my husband are not on good terms and have seperate rooms, we live in a 3 bed house with our 4 yo & 2yo. The 2yo is in with me and its exceedingly cramped and hes almost too big for his cot. My 4yo is in a tiny box room and is currently in a cotbed which I do need to change to a single at some point.
I am trying to go through a separation with my husband ( he is emotionally abusive) and we did have the house up for sale but because im not currently working and there was alot of recent household costs and car costs, we decided to take it off the market. I only decided this after we discussed my 2yo moving in with our 4yo into the room which hes in now which is the biggest. Then he would put a single bed in our now 4yos room and a compact office as he works from home some days. He agreed to this at the time.
Today when I was measuring up our 4yos room to fit a single bed in and an office he came in and said hes not moving in there. He said why would he do that and sacrifice his room.
We have a landing that splits off with an island in the middle and our 4yos room is on the other side and we have a gate on it. So when I need to do anything in my room I cant in the day because hes working in his room and the kids disturb him. Whereas if he had our 4yos room he would be able to work undisturbed. (We cant just have a gate over the top of the stairs because its a dodgy layout and none fit btw)
Hes basically saying the two children need to go into this tiny room that two beds won't fit in. And there wont be any room for anything else.
Aibu??

He’s being an arse, but can’t you swap rooms with the 4 year old until you get round to separating properly?

This. And get a job.

Time for a divorce? He leaves and there is plenty of room.

I mean if he works from home and will use it as an office and a bedroom it doesn’t make sense to move him into a single bedroom and you stay in the previously shared double.

Tell him to go work in the office or the library. His working environment doesnt trump your children's right to sleeping accomodation when he is able to work elsewhere.

Hes being difficult now because hes being a petulant child.

Put the house back on the market. And do whatever you can to gain financial independence.

Put the house back up for sale and file for a divorce. He's being very difficult at the expense of his own DC.

Can you not move into the box room? I kind of see how it’s not fair if he’s the only one working why does he have to be in the smallest room with a single bed and a work set up.

But yes long term - get back to work so you can put the house back on the market

@Honeyhonayboo we have never shared a double since moving in we've had seperate rooms. My room only just fits a small double bed and a cot. But even if I swap with my 4yo with mine, they will be in the room next to him working. So I wont be able to go upstairs and sort things out like washing or laundry because they disturb him because them two rooms are on the other side of the landing if that makes sense

Stop worrying about child noise during the day. DH and I wfh and it is primarily a home. In the 17 years of DD’s life and us wfh, we have both asked for extra consideration of noise only a handful of times. It is his problem to figure out how to manage working with household noise in the background.

You tell your husband he has a choice. He lives room and has the privacy he needs to work or you will swap rooms but that means the kids will be playing in the room whilst he is working and you will be doing xyz

He can wear headphones for work so don't worry about noise, but if he's working from home I can understand that him being in a tiny room won't work. Of the other 2 rooms, you should take the smallest and have the kids share the largest.

Why can't you go in there?

If he’s the only one working, it’s not reasonable for him to spend all night sleeping in and all day working in a tiny
box room. Give him your room and tell him to wear headphones for work calls-I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around.

Then get a job and get the house on the market asap.

Could you not sleep in the box room
and have the kids share the bigger room?

What a horrible and unhelpful comment. Why should she 'get a job?' She already has one, being a mother to 2 children aged 2 and 4! She's having enough of a hard time as it is without you sticking the boot in!

He pays the mortgage and has equity with you. You love the boxroom you go in it.

I think she might be made to look for work if they divorce. Isn't it 3 that UC start that? St least think I read that on here

Tell him either he moves and can be left undisturbed whilst working or you move rooms but you will coming and going as needed in the bedrooms regardless of whether it disturbs his work or not.

Being a sahm is a privilege and it's one most of us can't afford as single parents. It's also the case that most single parents can't afford not to save for our pensions through working. Being sahm is not actually a job, but it is hard work.

Surely the obvious solution is for you to move into the box room and the 2 children to share your former room.

i don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to work and sleep in a tiny room while you enjoy a double bedroom.

Well, he will just have to deal with being disturbed.

He can decide not to move rooms.

but you can decide to do what works for the DC (and you take the smallest room) - and he faces the consequences of that by having multiple disturbances while working as that is not your responsibility - your responsibility is to run the household for you and DC, and crack on with formalising the separation more concretely.