To separate without a plan

[RubyFatball]

Longtime poster. No name change because why would I.

”D”H and I have been having problems for a long time. Years, possibly decades. He’s diagnosed ADHD with a strong dose of RSD, he has a busy important stressful job and earns most of the money. I earn some, not loads, by retraining (as my previous career wasn’t compatible with family life). He says I just do whatever I want which isn’t true - I manage the entire household, though not well enough for his standards, obviously. We have two kids a cat a dog and a big (really big) mortgage, but otherwise no other debt.

In the last six months to a year life has just becoming increasingly untenable with his frequent emotional outbursts, my growing anger, resentment and resistance to hearing any more long expositions on the deficiencies of my character, housekeeping, planning cooking, et cetera. His view is that because I’m a feminist, there’s a fundamental power imbalance in our households. He feels I deeply resent his success while profiting from it.

Yesterday morning, when he ditched me at the last minute yet again, and I had to take the kids to see my dad who has Alzheimer’s for his birthday on my own, something in me just broke. I just can’t do this anymore and I don’t want to wake up in five years still hoping that I’ll hit the magic formula get everything right and he will be happy. I suddenly realised that simply never gonna happen.

The kids are at school today. I’ve been out for the morning come back and told him calmly that I quit. I’m handing in my notice. I’m dropping the rope. I’m tapping out. I want to separate.

My AIBU is - I don’t have a plan. Was I stupid to tell him?

Any words of advice? I feel like I’ve done all my crying and raging over the last several years. Today, I feel pretty calm.

YANBU as surely in an ideal world you could come up with the plan together. Although from what you've said about him, this is maybe far too idealistic.

Thanks - he’s currently having a very angry emotional reaction as you might expect. I have simply seen and heard it all before so i’ve got my hard hat on

I don’t think anyone should declare they want a separation without having the logistics worked out first. That way lies madness.

It’s done though, so get to work figuring things out.

Are you safe? He sounds volatile. If at any point you think things could escalate, get out with the kids to a safe place. Call the police if necessary.

If you are safe, remember that you don't have defend yourself from any accusations or complaints he might have. Don't get pulled into a big discussion about how awful you are - if you must, just agree with him that you are terrible and give that as the reason you should separate. You don't have to have any reason to leave - the only motivator needed is that it is what you want.

As for plans, start on practicalities. Get all your important documents together, set out a budget, think about logistics and start to move towards getting this draining ungrateful wretch out of your life.

He's planning his exit strategy to leave you.

Work out the necessary logistics and plan the divorce.

Take what you rightfully deserve, too.

More importanly now youve told him, dont fall foul of the traps.

JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

You have set your status (wanting out), dont get embroiled in Justifying why, explaining your thoughts, Defending your reasoning or Explaining why. That will just find you in a destructive loop that'll go nowhere.

Just keep repeating OP, it’s over let’s work out how to do this amicably.

Sounds like it’s for the best. Wishing you luck!

Do you feel safe?

You should always have a plan
that being said your plan will need to include full time employment in a job that can pay for all the bills on your own

@usererror99 thanks, I currently work more than full time so not worried there.

It’s hurt and the pain of life just not working out, and the desire not to waste any more of this one lifetime on this brick wall.

I lived in a similar situation to yours for almost 15 years. And one day I just had enough and asked him to leave. I knew for a long time I was going to do it (tried and failed a few times) in hindsight I’d have had it all planned out but as you say something just breaks and you can no longer take it anymore.
life is too short to be miserable and to live for someone else who doesn’t appreciate you!! It won’t be easy for a while but sending all my love

Have you got proof of his income, any savings, investments etc? Is he the type to hide money / lie about it? If not, do that asap. Keep the documentation outside the house if you need to.

Did you ever actually tell him that you were considering ending the marriage over his behaviour? Or is he just blindsided? I know a bunch of divorced men who thought their wives were just whining / nagging (as women do, they'd say) and were gobsmacked when she actually ended it.

Will he change, because of this? Does he want to? Do you want him to? What is he actually angry and emotional about? Because he loves you? Or because he's going to lose his domestic service bot, and probably some money? Because he's "lost"? Because he thinks you should spend the rest of your life crawling and pleading and trying to please him, and he can't stand that you've just decided you're better off without him? Because he might have to do more childcare in future?

If you think this might actually be the shock that saves your marriage, maybe give it one more chance? But if you've made your mind up, get a lawyer immediately, and then do everything through them. Don't let him persuade you to agree anything without a legal agreement - he sounds like the type to try to dictate what he will "give" you and so on, like it's all up to him. If you're getting divorced, crack on and don't get drawn into any manipulation.

Sounds like you've had the lightbulb moment. I would focus your energy on that plan you'll need to move on - housing, money, costs, support. Best of luck.

he thinks you profit from his success ? Cheeky bastard. You have contributed to that by raising the children running the home all whilst changing YOUR career for everyone’s benefit.
Get yourself to a solicitor.
See how great he is at all that stuff whilst having kids 50% of his time.
Does he know it’s 2026 ??

Well done. It sounds like a huge relief to you. You most likely have a plan albeit not one you've written down. What would you like to happen today and in the next month?

I think sometimes you just need to rip the plaster off and then figure things out from there. It would be great to have a careful plan but that sometimes takes more headspace than you have available. The important thing now is to start your own plan of what comes next, while keeping yourself safe.

If you have join accounts, keep an eye on them or take your half now. You may have inadvertently just given him notice to empty the accounts and hide his money.

Thank you all so much - to answer some of your , he’s really not the type to hide money. I wouldn’t put anything past him in anger, but he’s generally through time shown himself to be a pretty honest chap. What I can’t live with is the constant grinding criticism and negativity. Like a PP said I’ve just had my lightbulb moment. Everything has gone very, very quiet. He’s been very polite today and just taken one of the kids to a club which he never normally does.

Legal advice asap.
Some firms offer 30 mins free so enquire about that. Thats your groundsheet for what is to follow.
Finances, joint act, statements, life insurance, pensions, etc Gather & photocopy evidence. Passport stashed & passwords changed so no access to your stuff on line.

Separate under same roof. He does own washing etc. He shops & cooks own food. That kind of thing.
He or you sleep in guest bedroom.

Get the picture? Ducks in a row. Start now.