AIBU to feel like I’m held to completely different standards from my siblings?
I’m genuinely trying to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether this is a family dynamic other people recognise.
I’m one of three siblings and for years I’ve felt like the expectations placed on me are completely different from the expectations placed on them. The easiest way to describe it is that their feelings, circumstances, achievements and difficulties are treated as important, whereas mine are treated as something I should quietly work around.
There was a family fallout recently which really exposed it for me. One of my siblings behaved completely out of line. I’m deliberately not giving too much detail because I don’t want this to be identifying, but it was something that really hurt me and crossed a line.
Instead of anyone saying, “Actually, that wasn’t OK”, the family seemed to rally round to protect her. I was told to ignore it, move on and not make a big deal of it. When I tried to explain how hurt and upset I was, I was then sent a slew of messages telling me I was abusive for being upset.
That is the part I can’t get past that her behaviour was minimised but m reaction became the problem.
This feels like a repeating pattern in my family. If one of my siblings is thoughtless, cruel, dismissive or selfish, there is always context. There are always excuses. I’m expected to understand, forgive and move on. But if I object, set a boundary or get upset after being hurt, suddenly I’m difficult, horrible or abusive.
There has also been a separate issue around parenting boundaries. I politely asked a family member not to post photos of my child on Instagram. I have made a conscious decision not to have my child shared online now they are older. I didn’t think this was a controversial boundary. Most people would just say, “Of course, that’s fine.”
Instead, I was blocked and the photos continued. Again, it felt like my boundary as a parent was treated as optional and I was made to feel like I was the problem.
There have also been situations where family members have gone around me to contact my child’s father to try to arrange things involving my child, including during my parenting time. There is a difficult history there and I find it incredibly undermining and unsafe-feeling.
Another big issue is that I’m expected to maintain relationships. If there is distance between me and my siblings, my parents make passive aggressive comments like “you could call”, “you could message”, “you should get in touch”, as though it is automatically my responsibility to fix it.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether I have already tried. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the effort is reciprocated cos the burden always seems to land back on me.
If we’re having a family lunch, it often has to be somewhere very convenient for one sibling because she has several children. I have one child and am a single parent, but I’m still expected to drive well over an hour and absorb the inconvenience. Everyone else’s circumstances seem to be taken seriously but mine are treated as flexible.
I’ve worked really hard over the last decade to build my career and recently managed to buy a lovely new home. When one of my siblings and her husband bought a house, there was a big expectation from parents that I should call, congratulate her and acknowledge what a huge achievement it was. When I did something similar, the response felt completely muted. I got given six Ikea tumblers as a house gift and that was about it. My siblings didn't even bother to comment. Same when I got a promotion, my mum ignored the whole conversation and immediately started talking about my sister completing an online spinning course. It was so bizarre.
A few weeks ago I had a really upsetting conversation with one of my parents where I explained all of this. I said I feel held to different standards and I feel like I’m expected to do the emotional labour.
But now, within weeks, it feels like we are straight back to exactly the same dynamics. The cumulative impact is exhausting and feel like I’m expected to travel further, try harder, forgive quicker, congratulate more, accommodate everyone else and maintain the relationships. But when I finally say I’m hurt or that something isn’t acceptable, I’m treated as the problem.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic, where you only become “the problem” once you stop playing the role everyone expects you to play?