AIBU to refuse to waste my time on this family member?

[MrsMeowMeow]

I have one sibling who is extremely difficult. Doesn’t reply to messages from family, he is basically very anti-social with possible autism but never been diagnosed. He lives with his long term partner a hour away from my parents. He only seems to be in contact when it benefits him i.e he needs support with something.

I live 3 hours up the road from them all. Over the years I have tried to make a effort with him & his partner but they never make a effort back, DCs birthdays go unnoticed, when I try and make plans with them when I am visiting (I let them know well in advance) they are always busy yet they work full time compacted in 3 days so have 4 days off work so in the space of 10 years I’ve seen them 4 times.

It’s coming up to my brother’s birthday and my parents want me and dc to visit so we can go out for a meal with them.
AIBU to say no that I don’t want to make a 6 hour trip there & back for someone who doesn’t bother with us? My parents are trying to lay on the guilt trip saying it’s not his fault he’s always working but he doesn’t even reply to my messages they just go unread for months at a time. He doesn’t ask about dc or even interested in anyone’s lifes apart from
his own.

YANBU I'm at the stage of life now where I just match peoples energy. I only put in what they put in.

Life's too short for that. If you weren't related, I suspect you would even give him a second thought. I'll bet your parents don't push him to visit when they know you are going to see them.

I like ofcolitas point about matching energy, spot on.

Guilt only works if you feel guilty.

Your parents do not need you to support them in supporting him.

I would do it for your parents, not your brother, but plan to do something else while you're there too so its not just a trip for this meal.

Personally I would go but make the focus of your time and energy on seeing your DPs.

Do your parents see more of him? Does he at least make the effort to be in contact with them?

YANBU. Ask your mum if she would ever ask him to make the 6 hour round trip to celebrate your birthday.

Please don’t waste your day like this.l, do something fun with people who make an effort with you.

Does he even want a big family meal? It doesn't sound like he would? Has your mum actually asked him?

They see him once or twice a year, they have to contact his partner mostly as he just never responds to them either. They have had words with him about it and he just takes zero notice. He games a lot when he’s not working according to his DP so it’s not like he’s busy!

Let it go. He isn't bothered.

Not unreasonable at all, OP

Don’t bother saying you don’t want to go because your brother doesn’t make an effort; it’ll just make it an issue.
Just make an excuse and slide out of it.

What makes them think he would want / show to it anyway?

I expect that your parents are in a bit of denial. They want to keep the family ‘together’ and given the reduced contact it’s a much bigger deal to them if something like this is missed. They are flogging a dead horse though because whether you go or don’t go, you don’t really have a relationship with your brother and once your parents are no longer here you’re unlikely to see him again unless something changes. As others have said, it comes down to whether you want to humour your parents with this or not.

Ah I see, he only sees your DPs once or twice a year. My suspicion is then that they are the ones suggesting and organising the meal and he isn’t bothered?

Is it too late to say that you have something else booked that weekend? I would send a card and arrange a different weekend to do something nice with your DPs.

I've just reached this stage with my older brother. I've tried for decades. He couldn't give a shit and I've finally given in. It's a relief to accept that I'll never have to wonder "will he remember my birthday?", "should I send him a card even tho he never bothers with mine?", "shall I invite myself to his and do all the shopping & cooking again?"

It's sad because we do have a good laugh when we meet & I know that secretly he does care about me but why does it have to be "secretly"? Why am I the only one ever making the effort?

There is nobody else in my life that I am begging to my friend.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on so much about my situation. Just meant to say I understand & you're not being unreasonable!

Agree with matching his ( non existent) efforts. Probably easier to just explain you are busy and cam’t make it.
and to go out with people who make an effort and want to see you. As I get older I haven’t the energy to make efforts with those who do nothing, bring nothing to my life.

i have similar relations op, yet its odd, the whole family concept gets banded about and its like yea why dont they think of family first etc