To say that happiness isn’t an entitlement…

[polkadotelephant]

I don’t think I’ve ever been happy.

There are times I have enjoyed emotions and feelings like love for my children, quietness when out in the country, relaxation when reading a book in the sun but I’ve never felt totally at peace with myself.

I’ve always been overweight and was shamed as a child for it so I know that I will never be loved unconditionally. I have to work hard to earn love from human beings and I’m too tired to try anymore so cats it is! 🤣
I have tried so many times to lose weight - every diet that exists and I go to the gym 3x week and always have. I’m now trying the injections to see if that works but the weight isn’t coming off.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ve lost friends in the past and my husband left me because no one really wants to be around someone who isn’t happy in themselves. I don’t dare unload anymore because I need some friends left.

I try so hard to be liked. I’m the first person to help out a friend, helping with kid drop offs, moving furniture, bringing round a meal, tutoring etc. I volunteer in my community. I work full time and am a single parent (time wise, not money wise) to two teenagers, one with lots of disabilities and one with high anxiety. I always chat to the new parents at any one of the numerous clubs my medically complex child goes to. I’m really tired now.

Ive been to the doctor a few times about my mental health but even the professionals have given up on me. I am pushed from pillar to post for months and then suddenly I’m dropped and the provision that they say I need isn’t available.

I can’t give up. My children, especially my son, will always need me, but am I unreasonable to say that happiness isn’t an essential part of life. I’m 50 next year and I don’t even know if I should ever have been here.

OP - I'm not an expert in any of this but I saw your post and wanted to respond.

There's a lot about trying hard to be liked, and that makes me feel sad for you. I'm not saying you should be nasty but trying hard in order to get people to like you has just made you miserable, so maybe just don't. If you want to help people - and I feel that you do - then that's great, but it's not a transaction. It is something that can lead to connection and fulfilment but maybe not for you. It probably wouldn't be for me, as I find too much contact with others to be quite draining.

It sounds like you really want someone to talk to about your feelings and to help sort those out and you don't need to go through a GP for that. Although, obviously, there's a cost to it. But maybe it would be worth it for you to find that sort of support. Good luck.

I don't think happiness is an entitlement but something worked for to achieve. Also, nobody is constantly happy- it's normal to have moments and periods that we feel happy and others less so. It does take effort to find things that make you happy.

Not sure what you mean that the professionals have give up on you?

I also, am not sure what you mean when you say the professionals have given up on you?
If you have the funds, would you consider looking at Gestalt therapy? It is a slightly different approach, which you may find helpful.

abused 3 times as child raped and pregnant at 16 lost baby spent 13 years in a violent marriage two kids who i tried with but when 14 and 15 they went in care and i just went off for two years as I could not cope. came back massive overdose Drs not sure I would live but I did try new area house condemned conned by landlords bullies tried my hardest end up with another dossier moved t his area met someone else but did travel in his lorry with him abroad but only so he could control me beat me starved me forced me into marrying but in end I escaped tried to start again my father dying in a hospice daughters fil started stalking me always outside the hospice save me goin on bus next thing he had moved in he was revolting we moved into a new area. he was a control freak nothing I did was right in the end I started drinking never sober kept taking overdoses one they took me to pysch unit for the day but found it hard to rouse me. Dads funeral tried to throw myself onto his coffin in grave from then drinking heavily then people kept finding me lying on dads grave became the local bike for cans of lager. left the pig had a few years alone but i was lonely now i live with a bloke for 7 years was marvellous since his parents died he has turned miserable abusive and spiteful he has hit me constantly takes the mickey out of me my mh my size everything we have just moved to a bungalow but my health has got bad now have mobility probs no one calls to me only time i go out is if i go to GP provided he will take me though not always asked him to move out he wont he constantly pesters for sex even though he is older than me I never see anyone else no friends i wish someone would visit and dont get me started on the crap the girls put me thru and though we have a relationship too busy to come and see me all the problems i have now walking and the constant pain is so so bad plus i am exhausted all the time i am just a fat useless lump
HAPPY? no do not ever think i have been

I think there is an expectation that people are obliged to "show" happiness for the benefit of others; bit like virtue signalling. Apparently if you're not happy, regardless of the reason, you are ungrateful (for what?!) or not counting your blessings, there's always someone worse off than you etc etc.

@ponyprincess mentions that you have to work to achieve happiness, but again, that's saying you need to try harder, as if your unhappiness is due to a personal failing, the answer is in your hands etc . Some make a virtue out of being happy against a background of having a pretty good life - enough money to live on, health and family/friend around them. Start to dismantle that, then you find the people who really DO have to work to be happy and who may fail.

Surely no one chooses misery! I think you should aim to be content and take it from there. With a child with additional needs you already have a lot to carry.

I agree that absolute happiness is not an entitlement or indeed a necessity for a good life. I suspect that pretty much nobody is completely happy. However, there are many degrees and types of happiness. A life with very little of it is always likely to be very difficult.

Similarly I m not convinced that many people are completely at peace with themselves, but there are many degrees and types of peace and self-acceptance.

It sounds like you have a faced, and continue to face, many hard things in your life. Quite frankly I'm suspicious of the setup we have that tends to pathologise 'not being sufficiently happy' as some sort of illness (and I say this as someone who works in mental health). The realities of life explain a lot sadness in my view: financial stress and hardship; the difficulties and complexities of relationships with others; the inevitability of losses and bereavements; a judgmental, body image-obsessed culture; the inequality and loneliness that seem to be baked onto our society.

Sure, what we do and how we think about ourselves and our lives can make a big difference, but sometimes I think sadness is simply telling us that things aren't right and that we need things we're not getting!

You are already doing loads of the types of things that always get recommended for improving mood and life satisfaction: volunteering, human connection, exercise. I hope however that you can find more happiness and greater peace with yourself than you have at the moment - perhaps I'm naive but I believe this is possible for everyone. A lot of misery resides in the gap between who we think we should be / other people think we should be and who we actually are, so I do wonder whether there are ways for you live more authentically and to reduce the amount of exhausting effort that you make for others. Trying to please lots of people is an understandable reaction to having been treated poorly by others but it can leave is knackered, feeling taken for a mug and like we exist to mould ourselves to others rather than holding our own shape and sense of integrity. I wonder what your sparks of joy have been throughout your life; what values you hold dear; what people interest or inspire you. Perhaps there will be a way for you to mov closer to those things and to those people.

Many types of therapy could help with this and I'm sorry you've not been able to access what you need, but wish you loads of luck. It sounds like you're doing brilliantly in so many ways. There is so much more to you, I'm sure, than other people's attitudes might have led you to think. And if happiness isn't an entitlement, it isn't necessarily a mark of personal value or success either - perhaps a goal might not to be happy so much as to find more ways to be yourself, or to grow your life, or to move closer to what matters to you.

@DecisionTime123 I think we are in agreement, and I didn't mean that the OP was not working hard enough. Just that happiness is not something that magically happens. Yes, it takes some effort- you described it as focusing on being content- I don't disagree. Still, that focus is an active choice which does need need some work, effort, motivation or whatever it should be called.