To be leaving tomorrow

[Tuzz]

Lots of arguments. Years of trying to manage with ‘it’s good enough’ he told me yesterday that he is very angry with me because I am so ungrateful and selfish. I am ungrateful that he has given me children. I should show gratitude for that. I got so angry with him for saying that. He doesn’t lift a finger with the kids or in the house, he does the garden (his hobby) and does the food shop. I do everything else for everyone. After lots of name calling he asked me to fuck the fuck off to pack the kids and go. So we will. The school holidays have just started. We will go to my mums. Is that unreasonable?

Sounds like you’ll have a lovely summer without the miserable arsehole! All the best!

YANBU. And you have given him children.

Why he can't he leave? Why must you uproot the DC?

Tbh, I think it is unreasonable if you dont intend on finishing the marriage and you're hoping it will teach him a lesson to change because you're just be unsettling the kids without an end game.

Yeah I would be packing his stuff and leaving it at the door for him. You do not need to uproot your children. He can fuck off

Definitely not unreasonable. He sounds a total arsewhole. Make sure you have everything paper work wise before you leave. Bank statements, enough money etc. I hope you're going to make this permanent. Youll be gone a few days and he'll realise his mistake, soon enough.

@Tuzz why does he think you’re selfish?

I’m very glad you’re leaving. You deserve to be happy.

He thinks I’m selfish because: I don’t attend to his needs enough. I don’t engage/start enough conversations, I don’t have enough sex with him, I don’t prioritise him - I spend time with the kids or do house work. He thinks I am avoiding him. I don’t listen well enough when he wants to tell me about his health concerns. I am too distracted. I don’t focus enough on him. He thinks I avoid him - I do on weekend mornings because if I don’t get out of bed he pressures me into having sex.
i don’t really understand why he thinks I’m selfish.

Do it. He has told you to fuck.off so call his bluff. Don't respond to.him.other thsn to say ' I am finally doing what you told me to do'. Let him see that his words and actions (or lack.of them) have consequences. Do not get into any more arguments with him. Refuse to.take the bait.
Going to.your Mum's gives you time to.think and gives you space to sort out your future with your children.

We were planning on all going to my mums for 3 days this week. Now I’m going early and without him. We are only able to stay 3 nights with my mum as he gets too uncomfortable in someone else’s house. He also doesn’t really like my mum or family

There’s another red flag, not getting on with your family. It’s not a guaranteed issue, maybe your family are awful, but if they aren’t then it is definitely a huge red flag.

Better to leave now than to waste another few years of his escalating behaviour

Do you have a ring doorbell? Just keep an eye on it if you do, it would not at all surprise me if he has instigated this so that you go to your mum on your own and he has an empty house

Do you avoid him and avoid sex?

Strange read. It's like he makes the decisions and you capitulate. There we are then.

I know its hard to hear but you need to figure this out one way or the other for the long term.

You know he has potentially manufactured an arguement for the sake of 3 days of peace at the cost of unsettling the children (both because of the row and atmosphere itself and because they thought he was going and now he isn't). Not to mention your emotions of coping and presenting a happy face while managing a volatile relationship.

Changing travel plans for extra space is the sort of situation that couples might go through maybe once in an otherwise healthy and very long term relationship, but it's very much not healthy so imo it's only really fine to change the travel plans if you're serious about leaving. Otherwise stick to the original times, even if he doesn't go. But either way, you need to decide if you're in the relationship and committed to working on it or not. I'd suggest not, but that's your decision.

No. I honestly don’t have the time. I come in from work, sort kids take dogs for a walk, prep food usually take kids to sports, cook, wash up, put kids to bed. I do avoid him on Sat or sun mornings. If I am in bed after 7am he wants to have sex. I mostly don’t. So I get up. Walk dogs. Do house work. Make breakfast. I don’t think I am selfish. I think his expectations for attention are unrealistic. He isn’t affectionate and doesn’t recognise/appreciate what I do for him and the kids. It feels like he only notices what I haven’t done/or don’t do.

I’d strongly suggest you take your essential documents for you and the children with you when you go.

He thinks I’m selfish because: I don’t attend to his needs enough. I don’t engage/start enough conversations, I don’t have enough sex with him, I don’t prioritise him - I spend time with the kids or do house work. He thinks I am avoiding him. I don’t listen well enough when he wants to tell me about his health concerns. I am too distracted. I don’t focus enough on him He sounds fucking horrendous. Who in their right mind would be attracted to that? And what’s he bringing to the table? Does he listen to you? Does he do anything other than his two jobs? (one of which is his hobby and the other is an opportunity for control)

He thinks I avoid him - I do on weekend mornings because if I don’t get out of bed he pressures me into having sex There’s a word for that my lovely. It’s not a nice word. But having sex under pressure isn’t consent.

i don’t really understand why he thinks I’m selfish Because he has to blame you. If it’s not your fault, then the only other person to blame is him. And that’s not going to be pleasant for him to think about. Far easier to blame you.

I left my(first) exh..when he was at work. He didn't believe i would/ could. Some lovely JW neighbours hired a van and helped me move me and our 4 young dc..absolutely no regrets.

So you never have sex with him?

OP, haven't you ever told him that if he did his FAIR SHARE around the house you wouldn't be so tired, and would likely have more time and energy to spend on having sex, and making the fuss of him that he seems to want?

That aside, if you are planning on splitting permanently, I think you would do better to stay put for the moment, and actually make plans, rather than just rushing into it without any preparation. As others have mentioned, he may just have instigated this row, knowing that you'd likely clear off to your Mum's with the kids, leaving him at home alone, where he'll be perfectly happy to sit and watch the football, or entertain another woman, and won't have to make any effort with your family.

Stop and think about this situation OP, don't let him rush you into clearing out half cocked. Get some legal advice so that you know where you stand before rushing off to your Mum's, tempting as it must be.

I would leave and not go back. Are you married? Do you own or rent?

Will you be able to stay at mums until you get straight?

It’s unreasonable for you to have to leave the house with your children. Why can’t he go?

Absolutely.

It was @Tuzz health that was put at risk by pregnancy. It seems she has done everything to take care of their welfare and the upkeep of what was the family home.

@Tuzz I hope you did leave, because you and your DC should not have to live with that treatment.