AIBU to feel hurt after my father suddenly cut contact?

[OneLimeTurtle]

Not sure if this is the correct group but a bit random. My Dad (70years) completely severed contact with me for no reason in May this year.
I’m almost 40 years old and can’t understand why now? We have always had a somewhat strained relationship but have maintained contact over phone calls, messages and Christmas cards etc. I spoke to him in December 2025 a normal conversation, sent a Christmas card he sent one back but his writing looked odd and it arrived mid January with an out of date stamp.
I called him and he didn’t answer which isn’t unusual and messaged but nothing.
his aunt died and I tried to contact him to let him know as they were close as his mum died young and his aunt always had a soft spot for him and looked out for him.
He has not answered my calls or messages so I sent a letter as he lives hours away and I can’t drive over. No reply. Found his wife on Facebook who I have not had contact with and messaged her she said they are fine and will ask him to call. I thanked her but heard nothing. Messaged her again a week later and no reply.
so aunts funeral has passed by this point and I’m worrying so contacted local police in his area and they called him, they said they spoke to him and he said “he wanted to be left alone” they said they verified it was him.
After the embarrassment of me bursting into tears to the police operator, I’m left with the fact that he must have been screening my calls. Why would he break contact after 40 years. And I fell so upset that he doesn’t want to be in my life and it feels out of the blue and for no reason. AIBU to feel so upset about this?

Why don’t you know his wife or visit? It sounds like there were problems before now.

Do you have silbings?

That sounds extremely hard. I’m very sorry.

Ultimately you can’t force anyone to talk to you or to be in contact with you. It is his choice to make. But I do think it is a very painful way of dealing with things.

It might be a good idea to have some therapy?

Gosh OP, I’m so sorry, that must be so tough. I’m a catastrophiser, but my mind went to wondering if he has an illness or something that he doesn’t want to discuss/share out of embarrassment/lack of acceptance/whatever.

I have a very strained relationship with my dad so I can relate.

If it were me, I would write a final letter to him, telling him you love him but accept he doesn’t want to be in touch any more. Leave the ball in his court.

sorry you are having to go through this!

I'm sorry this has happened OP, it must be very distressing for you.

You now know where you stand, and as upsetting as it is, you have to accept that your Dad doesn't want any contact with you.

You mentioned that you have a strained relationship, and it appears that you don't see your Dad in person. Is it possible that this could be a reason? That he feels you can't be bothered to visit? I know visiting goes both ways, but elderly people don't always see that.

I'm not sure that you are going to get any closure, with regards to the reason why.

I’m an only child and he’s not had anymore children with his new wife she was older when they married.
i have spoken with her on the odd occasion we have met but he lives a distance away, they met abroad and married over there. I just speak with him and we would spend an hour on the phone to catch up. I just feel like why wait 40 years to cut contact? I think it’s my problem that I was allways hoping it might get better and he’d be more reliable.
he has allways been one of those Dads that turns up every now and then through child hood and disappear wait he always turned up again. I just feels final now and I feel as sad as I do when I was a kid

I think it is the lack of reason and closure I’m struggling with the most and that he knows I was so worried I’ve had to contact the police to check on him and he’s not let me know he’s ok.
I did wonder if he’s developed some illness suddenly. But he seemed fine when I spoke to him last. It’s like he just switched me off for 2026. I don’t think I will ever find out why.

It sounds in character. No wonder you are sad.

I now think you should definitely have therapy if at all possible!

Oh OP. It sounds like he is not a very good person. You describe a lifetime of him being really unreliable. What he has done is incredibly cruel. But it sounds like this is him. That won't make it feel much better in the moment. You are grieving the person he should have been.

Yea I think therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea. I just feel like I wish he had cut contact when I was a kid rather than having me hoping for attention for years to disappear with no explanation

oh your right I realise I am grieving I think the hope of the image of the dad I thought he would be. And I feel ridiculous I’m getting so upset at my age it keeps making me cry.

I have held the olive branch to him allot, the worst thing for me was I had a small wedding immediate family only and he said him and his wife were coming and booked the hotel I had reserved his room for him but he never booked it or paid so I paid, he called me the day before the wedding said he couldn’t come and I cried all day and we probably didn’t speak for over a year after that but I did reach out to him again and we got back intouch.

Of course it will make you cry op hugs.

i am no contact or very low contact with all of my family. Not my choice.my siblings decided to kick me out of the family.

Some days the sadness and grief is unbearable.

I’ve not known where my father is living for over three years and got one phone call in 18 months and a reply to a text was taking 6 months. So I know how it feels. I got to the stage of thinking he may have passed away and couldn’t even call the police as I have no address, I still don’t.

Things can switch back around i at least know a rough area of where my father is currently living and this year he’s spoken to me a couple of times and sent me a birthday card. But up until four years ago I saw him and my step mum regularly, knew where they were and had some contact.

I’ve now got walls fully up and massive boundaries in place as I can’t be that hurt by everyone for the whole of my life. I’m in my 50s this properly started in my mid 40s.

What was the reason he didn’t come?

The weird response to your Christmas card, not bothering to attend his aunt's funeral, and the subsequent refusal to contact you suggests there's something mentally wrong. Depression, dementia or both. Though as you say he's always been flaky and never a real parent to you, so luckily this is not your problem.

Get counselling, work through the grieving process, and if the wife gets in touch in a couple of years wanting help with care home costs, tell her where she can stick it.

oh and OP carry on sending a birthday card and Christmas card with a letter each year. Things may change one say.

could it be his wife vetting the contact?

He said he wasn’t well but no info, I have seen him since and hes seemed fine and was at work. That was over 12 years ago.

Yes the police operater said they spoke with him and he confirmed whatever questions they must have asked maybe date of birth etc but said he answers them fine and wasn’t compromised 🤷‍♀️

That’s heartbreaking. Please don’t feel like you shouldn’t be grieving the loss of the relationship. Even if it’s not the relationship, but the realisation that he’s never going to be the dad you wanted or needed.

You know he’s safe and he’s alive. And he may never tell you what’s going on in his head that made him decide to cut contact with you, but it is absolutely sod all to do with you. I don’t mean that it’s none of your business. I mean that it’s his failings as a parent and not anything you’ve done as a daughter.

I’d encourage you to think about whether there’s anything you feel like you want to say to him and, if so, you put it in a letter and consider it as your goodbye to him. If he gets in touch in the future, you can decide whether you want to let him into your life again, or just let it go.