AIBU to choose lifestyle over practicality when buying?

[Uppabye]

We're finally going to be in a position to buy a house next year - we're in Ireland where the property market is crazy due to a housing shortage. Now we're moving to the question of where to buy... We both keep swinging back and forth between two options.

We have two kids (age 2 and 4)

Option 1: in the suburb where we currently rent. Pretty easy commutes to work. Kids settled in nearby creche. Quite a nice, safe area. We're 45 minutes from my parents (late 60s, early 70s) but they visit every week and spend a weekday afternoon with our kids. We're 25 minutes from my in-laws who aren't as involved but we still see quite regularly. No close social connections here, although I have met some women through baby groups. We could actually afford a slightly nicer/bigger house here than in option 2. This is a very practical option.

Option 2: In a lovely, bustling seaside town about half an hour south. Closer to family (25 minutes from my parents, 10 from in-laws) which I'm thinking will be especially helpful as they become elderly. 4 close friends have houses there, three of whom have kids of similar ages - our kids have no cousins so this is quite important to us. Much longer commutes - my job is more flexible with lots of wfh so impacts me less, but my husband would likely be in the car for at least 2 hours a day if we moved, also meaning I'd be taking on all childcare before/after work. It would also mean finding a new creche for youngest (there's also a childcare shortage). And a very big issue that's worrying me - as we wouldn't be moving until spring/summer next year we will have missed the primary school applications for September so no idea what to do about my eldest starting school. This town has had a lot of development in recent years so there is pressure on school places. This is the dream/lifestyle option (barring the commute which is a significant factor...)

YABU: choose the practical option with shorter commute and possibly nicer house. No stress with changing childcare or primary school applications.

YANBU: choose the family/friends, seaside town, lifestyle option. Smaller house. The childcare/school issues will work themselves out. Lots of people have a commute and manage fine.

Hoping for others experiences to clarify our thinking!

2 hours is a lot tbh. I think it could be quite exhausting and create tensions and resentments. Is there a chance he will change jobs at some point though?

I have a friend who did this (not Ireland) and they really struggle on the days they both have to be in the office and she finds she has started moving into default parent because she is home more which wasn’t the case before the move

on the upside, her kids are at a great school and they have a lovely home with far more space than they had before

Option 2 is obviously what you want. I don't have similar experience but if it's doable then isn't it worth it for your dream life? My instinct is it would be easier to try the dream and come back if it doesn't work out. It seems it would be harder to choose to stay and then wish you'd gone for the lifestyle but feel stuck. These are just idle thinkings though - hopefully someone wiser with more experience will give better advice!

I would go for option 1 a bigger house is always better when you have kids. The seaside area will be a great place to take your kids to for regular days out. If you live there, it’ll become boring and you’ll end up having to take them outside of the area for treat days. The commute is also too long.

Yea 2 hours means missing a lot of family life. And if there's any kind of road accident etc it'll be longer than that.

I feel especially when our kids are so little and going to bed early, he'll miss out on so much of them. At the moment we both help get them ready n the morning (I do drop off), and he collects them in the evening and we all have dinner together.

I feel like we can easily travel to friends at weekends. Although we both miss the more impromptu meeting for a walk, or popping down to the playground with the kids type of thing. I'd love to be able to meet a friend easily for a glass of wine after bedtime, with zero driving/expensive taxi logistics for example. We're a bit isolated here.

Yes I can see that’s a shame. When your oldest starts school you will hopefully make some friends at the school gate who will be local

We both honestly go back and forth. At the moment I'm actually leaning more towards option 1 as I hate the idea of my husband missing out on so much of our kids weekdays. My husband is more impulsive and more likely to just jump to option 2 without really considering how it would impact him!

Ideally I would love option 2. But I'm just not sure if it's worth it at this stage of our lives.

This is all so true! My husband did sailing growing up and would love to get our kids into the local sailing club. Although they could still do that on weekends living where we are!

The commute really is the real long-standing issue. Another poster asked if he could get another job and of course maybe he could in the medium term, but after a difficult path he's finally landed on his feet in his current company and has very good prospects there now, they're paying for him to do courses, he's just hired a subordinate etc.

Yes I imagine I will! I have made one friend nearby who has kids of similar ages, and that friendship could definitely develop more - at the moment it's definitely more playdates and surface level chat!

Is there nowhere in between? Does it have to be either A or B? If you have no real ties to where you are then could there be a better compromise?

Weirdly, our suburb is a bit of an anomaly price-wise. Everywhere in between here and Option 2 is generally much more expensive and desirable - although we will of course look in all these areas when we're searching too!

Part of me also feels like moving to somewhere in between we would still end up with longer commutes and childcare/school stress, but with no real direct benefit to changing locations!

You should toss a coin. And if you are sad about the way the coin falls, you have your answer.

At first I thought this was 2 hours each way and thought wtf of course you're being unreasonable. However an hour each way is completely standard for a commute?!
Myself and most of my colleagues who live in zone 3-5 London do this 4-5 days a week.

@Uppabye i m in ireland too.
i would choose option 2.

thats what we did when we arrived. Chose the school, found a rental then bought in our preferred location.
and life is great. The drugery of the routine combined with the poor weather we ve had this winter can really be a downer, so i choose lifestyle all the time.
you ve got friends and family there already.

• new creche? No big deal and until you find something maybe your parents in law can step up and help
• school application? You can use your inlaws or parents address to apply because you know you ll be moving to the area so you re mot cheating as such; or you wait until you move. Schools will have to give you a place even if it isnt the ideal school you ll have a place and you can change the following academic year
• husband commute? My husband commutes to the UK for work everyweek. Yes not ideal but we chose lifestyle. Living London 2 years after the brexit was the best choice we ever made for our family. Also he can (and probably will) change jobs so maybe the next one is more flexible.

do it @Uppabye and dont look back

Sorry leaving london (not living london)

Option 2 - it might be a bit difficult when your kids are young but time passes very quickly and it will be so much better when they are a bit older.