To feel sad my upbringing was so different to my daughters.

[bythewaterside]

I don’t resent the support my daughter receives in the slightest and I’m grateful she isn’t suffering the way I did but I just wish I things had been different for me.

Me and my daughter both have ADHD and autism and both have a pda profile.

My daughter is supported in school, has medication and it’s accepted that she’s got a disability.
I understand my daughters challenges and support her through her struggles.

My own experience was so different, I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s and even today my own parents don’t understand it or even believe in it.
I was brought up to mask my symptoms or have a bloody good hiding at home and then at school I also had to mask my symptoms or face more punishment.

It just seems such a world away and I can’t help feeling sad that nobody in my life understood what I was going through and how that’s affected my whole life while just a generation later life could have been so different for me.
I don’t often wallow in self pity but I was just having a what if moment and feel quite sad for younger me.

It feels such a waste of life and I wish I could have my time again now.

To be happy, I’d avoid dwelling on this. Loads of people didn’t have great parents. Decades ago people thought SEN was something you covered up. You cannot change your parents, so let it go. Or you just get even more frazzled. You know who you are so what they think doesn’t matter and I’d not keep expecting them to change. Be pleased you know and work on that positive.

I’ll post again later, but I really sympathise with you. I was never harmed physically by my parents, but how I (pda adult) was treated by my mother and how I try with my own pda child is very different

and unfortunately how she is treating my child (she is not pda understanding to either of us). Is sort of crystallising my feelings of anger and resentment towards her, and now I find it very hard to spend any time with her.

and to complicate things my child actually loves her very much but because she is not accommodating them - my child very rarely is able to see her

And very helpfully my mother blames me every time my child doesn’t fit with how she thinks they should behave - if my child didn’t want to see her I would stop contact entirely- I’ve noticed I’m a lot happier without contact. My mother has very close happy relationships with other family members so she’s not lonely or reliant on me in any way

The thing is that times have changed. There is now more awareness and understanding of autism and ADHD that never existed in the past and even now there is still a lot of services that are lacking. Was PDA profiles even a thing back when you were young? A lot of research has developed over time with new diagnoses given based on this.
I don't think dwelling on your childhood will help and instead focus on the positives that your DD has had early intervention.

Those who have shit parents never really feel the effect of it until they have their own children. That’s when it really hits you just how bad or good your parents were.

I have no idea how my parents treated me the way they did, especially as I was such a well behaved child too.
I still wouldn’t change it though, my kids have a good parent because I’ve seen first hand everything you DONT do.

Some people should never have been parents.

It's ok to feel sad about your childhood but you could turn this into a huge positive yes she's receiving support from school etc, but she's also getting a lot of support from you,by you giving her that support,she's not having to have the childhood you had.

It's ok to feel sad about childhood,but your support to your daughter is absolutely massive don't underestimate the good you are doing.

Thats a rational response but feelings are often not rational.

Furthermore often autistic children have autistic parents and some autistic people struggle with theory of mind.

This can mean that older generations find it difficult to be flexible or accommodating or accepting in their thinking as they age.

This can result in an older autistic person being less easy to deal with than other older generations. Sometimes a simple apology or recognition that things were not ideal from the parent to the hurt child can go a long way

Yes this is completely understandable, and you are allowed to confront that unpleasant reality and come to terms with it in your own time. It's great that there's progress now, but it's awful that you never got to experience that (and you can't get that time back).

It's particularly disappointing that your parents don't accept your diagnosis now, so you are lacking the feeling of validation that your life was harder than it needed to be - and that it wasn't your fault. I find that parents find things like this hard to accept bc they think aknowledging it means it therefore must have been all their fault, and no one likes to admit that so they find it easier to just dismiss it.

They will also have had it hard not having a child that wasn't 'like everyone else's'. Back then a lot of judgement was piled on patents, so you might find they feel pretty hurt about your childhood, too. You obviously shouldn't feel guilty about that - you were just the kid in this situation! But it might help to come to terms with how they may have had pressure on them which made them behave badly towards you. Parents back then were often told they were too soft, or lacking discipline.

Of course it doesn't need to be anyone's fault, all you want is for someone to aknowledge you had a shit time bc you have a neurological difference, and our current world isn't exactly built to benefit you - another unfairness.

I know you don't want to wallow in these unpleasant feelings, who would? But you do need to confront them and find things to be proud of yourself for, and things to look forwards to in the future. For a start, you have your daughter, who you have raised and ensured she got help and got listened to - that's amazing, you've broken the cycle of kids like yourself being let down. Be proud of that, and do the same for yourself too. You can be kinder to yourself like you are for her, fight for yourself like you do for her, and build yourself up.

How old is your daughter?

That maybe the case for your child where you have accessed nhs (?) diagnosis and adhd and have good schools. My dd experience of the same conditions as yours is much closer to your own. Mine is 14. And i knew she had adhd at 4, or before school. Weve had a crap experience of school (state) where they had issues but never agreed there was anything wrong. So i had to refer age 10 and it took till 13 for diagnosis and now finally meds.
secondary school and camhs also crap.
And still no extra time in exams 3 years on.

So im sorry you presumably had issues at school and parents but for many its no better, could be worse even in that places assume no diagnosis so nothing wrong.

My parents dont really get that dd has such severe issues they think a it of practice she can speed up she cant. And homework can take 3-4x longer

I have put YANBU because I think it’s natural to feel this way. But I am almost sure that long term you will have had the better ride because you were equipped for the workplace and the real world and your daughter is not learning that life is tough and we have to fit in to get on.

Don’t we? Oh ok. Thanks for letting me know!

I also wanted to add that, as parents when we've had to go through the gruelling experience of fighting tooth and nail for our kids through all of the school and medical hurdles, there's a point that we come to when we realise, "hang on, who fought for me?" Those feelings can come hard and fast, especially when you had a tough time as a kid.

As previous people have said, this largely comes down to how much times have changed, for parents and kids. But it's so hard when that kid indide you feels so let down. I think you have to somehow talk to yourself (and others if needed), be kind to that kid and help them to come to terms with it and feel better about themselves. It does take time though.

I am autistic and was not diagnosed until my 40s when we got my daughter’s diagnosis. I also grew up in an abusive home.

I take great pride in knowing that I am providing an ideal environment for my daughter. She has challenges, but she is also doing so much better than I was at her age. Our home is set up as a place of rest and support for autistic brains. We treat one another with kindness. Her father and I work closely with her school to make sure she gets an excellent education.

Instead of looking at what I didn’t have, I look at what I have accomplished.

They just didn't have the knowledge when we were kids. The information wasn't there.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism a few years ago. Dd diagnosed a few months after me. Very very occasionally I briefly get a twang of "what if" but it was never going to be that way because people didn't understand adhd or autism back when I was growing up, not like they do now

I feel very very lucky that my children get the support they need for their differences, I spent my whole life not understanding why everyone else found things so easy and yet I was so exhausted by it, I masked for years. My kids don't need to mask x

Every single ugly, horrible, so-so, not bad, fab outcome I had from my ADHD (not that ai knew I had it, I’m older than the label) formed my capacity to to tailor my son’s environment to who he is, rather than shaving his corners and trying to shove him in a round hole.

Also, my diagnosis is over ten years old and I haven’t set the world alight with my amazingness despite the knowledge, the sport and the strategies. Wherever I go, there I am.

Better us than them, and perhaps it had to be us, in order for us to know how to make it not be the same for them.

Massive hug cos the grief for all the “what ifs” and “could have been” is very intense

Your experience is not unusual for the times you lived in, try getting the support you need now, the past is gone, dwelling on it and comparing things to today would depress anyone.
My children’s life is a million miles from my own, that in itself makes me so happy.
I was never unloved by my parents, they’d their own problems, like you I was misunderstood, issues that I never share with my children and always make sure they’re safe and secure.

I hear you OP x I feel completely robbed sometimes of the life i could have had.

Thanks for the lovely replies.
I really didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that and feel so much better now.
I think I just needed to let all that out and I think you’ve all just given younger me the validation I’ve desperately needed to hear.
I’m really glad I can be the person my daughter needs.

Had anyone even heard of PDA when you were a child? It's understandable that you got disciplined if you weren't following the rules.
Who knows what kind of parent you would be if you were raised in a different way. Maybe you wouldn't understand your daughters needs as much. Maybe you wouldn't have even had a child. It's no good looking back wishing for different, It's done now and it made you who you are.

I get it op
I was diagnosed with autism at 50 and ADHD at 53
I'm now on ritalin and it has changed my life
I'm proud my childrens childhood was nothing like mine
I'm proud I did a much much better job at parenting than my parents did.
My children still had a lot of challenges at school ,but with me pushing for support they both got the education their needs required.
My parents.. quite literally should never of had a child .
And looking round the special schools my children were given places at .I felt a little wistful,a bit sad for my younger self
My children got brilliant GCSEs and A levels because they had the right support.
I had no support,and it shows in my grades .
But ,you know ,we can't go back and change things ,we only have now ,even the future isn't promised
It's best to move on and not dwell on what could of been xx

Yanbu OP. Take pride in the fantastic job you have done giving your child their supported loving childhood.

I'm the same in a way. My f hated women but had 5 dds. He disagreed with the education of women and did everything he could to wreck our chances. Tried to make me leave school at 16 to earn money for him. Refused to fill in the paper work for me to take a degree. Belittled, undermined and terrorised us all from the age of 2. Despite that, I still managed to get to uni, but unsupported, I worked long hours to eat, and got a 2.2.

My ds has had the opposite experience. He is loved and supported. Encouraged, provided with every tool, sent on all the relevant trips. He's forecast great grades for a'level. He'll have his halls room paid, be supported as much as I can. I'm so proud of him and want him to achieve his full potential and be happy.

However, my contempt for my f has grown over the years as I have better understood his selfish, spiteful, mean spirited misogyny. He's dead now and I try not to waste any more of my life thinking about it The world is a better place without him.

Look forward and be optimistic OP xx