Help me stop drinking

[Corporatepreggolady]

Hello all, i need help.

I've woken up this morning feeling awful - vomiting, migraine, basically bed bound. I was drinking wine with my parents in their garden and I suppose I got carried away. I probably had a bottle and a half of wine.

This happens with reasonable regularity. Maybe once a month. When it does I feel hideous shame and guilt, and I don't feel I am a good mother on those days to my three year old.

I need to stop drinking. I think I have a problem, not in a drinking-every-day way but in that I find it hard to stop once I've started and the hangovers are unbearable. How do I start stopping altogether?

I love catching up with people over wine, celebrating something with champagne, having a beer on a Friday after work.... All these rituals where I'm programmed to want a drink.

Once a month is probably ok in general but it sounds like you know it's a problem that it is making your life difficult. You've got to really want to stop though.

I think you make a decision to stop/cut down.
In you trigger situations you alternate between alcoholic and non-alcoholic. You decide beforehand when you are going to stop.

I think it is when you are not feeling pressured that you make your choices- so at the next barbecue you decide now what your plan is.

There isn't an easy answer. I drank less when i decided to say no or decided I had a hard two drink limit, no matter how chilled I felt and wanted to go with the flow.

In your shoes, I'd decide now not to have a drink at the next event or to delay it. Don't get caught off guard amd plan and decide now. Even if you just make your new rule that you start with a coke or don't drink before 8pm. Make a simple rule, it doesn't even have to be none, just to delay it.

It gets easier. My two drink rule means i usually have to sober up while I'm awake and push through the craving for another drink, which I hate, so I tend to just not bother.

My point is, even someone who rarely drinks finds the urges hard once the bottle is open so you need to make sober decisions in the light if day.

If it’s only once a month have you explored alternatives such as low/ no alcohol wines or mocktails?
Or try setting a limit such as one glass then drink soft drinks.
If you are a social drinker it should be easier to cut down but you’ve taken an important first step and recognised the problem.
Look at Drink Aware and I’m sure you will get some good advice on here.

Sorry no, once a month vomiting and being stuck in bed in pain all day is not ok. Imagine if it was because of an illegal drug, would you say ok then?

OP it's hard to stop that cycle. But it's so worthwhile.

I'm not sober but I drink very very little. I did stop completely for several months and realised how crap it felt to be even mildly hungover.

What helped me - understanding why it's hard to stop at one and why that means none has to be the answer.

Finding nice non alcoholic drinks so I didn't feel like I was missing out.

Finding other people who don't drink. Even one helps normalize it.

Look up sober girl society on Instagram, really helpful.

Just have ONE glass. Then stop.

The other way is to only drink very small glasses the alternate with a soft drink.

Hangovers and kids don't mix.

Thank you everyone. Really helpful tips. I will look up the Sober Girls Society on Instagram.

Not sure I worded my post well; it's not that I drink once a month but about once a month I feel like this. As someone else has said, even being mildly hungover is rubbish and I love the clarity of when I have been through sober periods

Also appreciate the "just one" rule. I am so impressed by people who can implement that... My issue is that I have one and then it turns into seven. I wish I had more self control but I simply don't, so as someone else has said, I probably have to accept that none is the best route for me

Get some alcohol free options. Some of them are great, so you can still enjoy the social side without feeling shit in the morning.

I think you just need to tackle the idea that you won't enjoy the things in your last paragraph without a drink - you will! Catching up with your friends and getting that Friday feeling aren't related to alcohol, it's just part of the ritual, as you say, but it doesn't have to be unless you make it.

As for just having one, recipe for disaster! You'll either have one and spend the rest of the night gazing longingly at the bottle or have one and think 'fuck it!' pour another, at which point the whole thing goes out the window.

You can do it OP! You don't think you can, but you can.

Just need to keep busy and learn to turn drink down if they ask “I can’t cope with hangovers anymore I’m to old for that.” Sadly if you feel like this once a month you definitely have a problem.

If you can't have just one then attempts at moderating are always going to fail and that's not a failure on you, alcohol is very addictive! So ignore the 'have just one then stop' comments, I'm sure you've already tried that. I've been sober for nearly 3 years and on the sober journey for nearly 10!

Being sober and not having to ever think about drinking or moderating is so freeing!

I can reccomend the book The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Cathering Gray, it really inspired me!

Solidarity OP. Since I had DS I’ve got much better at cutting myself off after two glasses but still slip up. Last night we invited a new neighbour for a drink in the garden and I ended up drinking a whole bottle of much heavier wine than I’d usually have and woke up feeling wretched, and kicking myself because DH and I have a very rare child free night ahead tonight and the last thing I want to do it get dressed up and go out for a drink

What helped me limit my intake (when I do!) was buying half bottles of wine, not much cheaper than a full bottle but there’s simply not another glass to pour when I’ve had 2. Once I got used to stopping at 2 glasses (and stretching them out across the evening) then I found it easier to stop at half of a full bottle, if that makes sense.

Hi OP,

I could have written your post a couple of years ago. I'd have a glass of wine and want another one then I'd keep wanting to go till oblivion.

I am very focused on healthy eating and fitness otherwise. One sunday instead of doing my scheduled training session I lay around feeling hungover until it was evening time and then getting ready for work the next day.

It dawned on me
I was robbing myself of my own free time.
I had no idea what a sober life would be like
The only way to ever truly guarantee never feeling The Fear again was to never drink again
That the battle of resisting too much was entirely of my own making
I had no idea of my own potential because I was putting restraints on myself

I absolutely love being alcohol free. Honestly I love it. I also realised a few things about alcohol:

A lot of the time I was drinking to get through a few hours of something relatively boring. The actual solution of course was to spend my precious time doing things I genuinely enjoyed.

I was never a beer drinker but I now really enjoy a couple bottles of zero beer. I also get the best bits of the night out as I leave when I want to instead of continuing on to keep drinking while it's all gone a bit shit.

I can fully enjoy things in the moment and the next day when I replay instead of mild anxiety.

There is literally no downside to it. And as an added bonus whenever I bump into random acquaintances I'm nearly always getting a heartfelt remark that I'm looking great.

Give it a go and use whatever resources speak to you. There are lots on social media and I love Allen Carr.

Something that knocked my drinking on the head completely was ALWAYS planning something for very early in the morning the day after any event that involved drinking. E.g. Planning to meet my friends for a swim at 7am every Saturday morning and volunteering to help out at the school fete the morning after a party. Nothing makes a hangover more unappealing than the thought that the alarm will go off at 6am and I must get up and get on.

Also, planning to drive to a commitment early the following morning means you have no choice but to swap alcohol for soft drinks.

So much of drinking is habit. This helped me break the habit so that I don't have to plan for the following morning any more.

I also found The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Cathering Gray really inspiring.

The less you drink the more the thought of a hangover outweighs the pleasure of that first glass of wine. After the first glass it's just more drink really isn't it. It's only the first one that you really want and notice.

Agree with sober girl society!

I'm a person who struggles with 'just have one or two'- I've found none is easier than that! I've explored a wide range of alcohol free drinks. The beer is better than wine and m+s alcohol free cocktails are superb!

I get it OP, I can’t stop at one either. I can’t drink a bottle and a half of wine, but I could get through nearly a whole bottle once I’ve started!

For me, I’ve done several things to try and stop this from happening.

1. I switched to red wine, for some reason I can stop after one or two glasses and I drink it much more slowly
2. don’t start drinking until halfway through the evening, have soft drinks first (those trip drinks with CBD in them are lovely) you have less time to drink a lot
3. I will drive so I can’t have more than one
4. only have enough alcohol with you for that evening and don’t drink anymore. I’ve even been known to pour a third of the bottle away before I even start so I can’t have the whole thing

I don’t drink every day, usually once a week but sometimes even less than that. All of my friends like a drink so it can be difficult, most of them will get drunk several nights a week so it almost gets normalised! Also, it’s just habit building, when I met my now partner (we don’t live together) I made a point of never drinking when I spend the evening with him and I never even think about it now, even though he is drinking usually.

Defo get some alcohol free options. Non-alcoholic prosecco is ok, (use in Aperol Spritz) add soda to white wine, apparently tango or coke goes well with red wine (like sangria)

I take my alcohol with me and only drink that, so used to be 5 bottles of beer or one bottle of wine. I've now reduced and can only manage 2 or 3 beers and half a bottle of wine. I know my limits to avoid a hangover.

Exactly as a pp said, it's only the first one! After that it's all an attempt to stop the sobering up while not tipping over into too far gone. It's exhausting really and a total waste of energy.

Years ago (decades now) I was well into the party scene and it was showing me the uglier side. I wanted to stop taking drugs but didn't know how, all my social life and network was built upon it. We were back at an apartment and one of the guys we had met tipped out some white powder and chopped it into lines.

A thought flashed into my head "don't have this line. If you want the next one then go for it. "

It worked. I saw them instantly start talking self indulgent muck and I felt smug like I had discovered a secret. I knew everyone was just waiting for more coke to be doled out and was on edge and I was free

I feel the same about alcohol. I'm getting all the best parts of the night now on my own terms.

Forgot to add, you can get drinks with lion’s mane in. I can’t explain how they make you feel but it’s almost like being more socially ‘open’ without being drunk. They have a surprisingly good effect. A lot of these drinks have chamomile and magnesium in as well so you get the benefit have having a restful nights’ sleep afterwards. Good luck OP you can do this!

In my experience if you can’t moderate AND it’s causing you to feel fed up then you need to cut it out completely. Maybe not forever but a break from alcohol really helps you realise how good life can be without.

My advice that worked for me:

1. Go prepared to people’s homes or bbqs with really delicious soft drinks or alcohol free versions.
2. be as honest as you can be with people, tell them that drinking isn’t working for you and it’s making you feel rubbish. ANYONE who tempts you to drink after you saying that is a dickhead. Saying it out loud makes it real.
3. Find inspiration online, listen to sober podcasts, Instagram etc.

Some people need to quit forever some just need a break to take back the control.

This is such good advice! @Goditsmemargaret is right, there’s literally no downside of not drinking! It’s so good to be free of hangxiety, let alone the hangovers. I was someone who found it impossible to stop at one as well- hats off to the people on this thread that can, but my brain is definitely missing that chip!

OP you mention the rituals you love that you associate with having a drink, and I was exactly the sane. I found it helpful to keep the ritual but change the drink. Find your AF drink and stick to it, then it becomes automatic and you don’t get caught out when someone asks you what you’d like to drink. Mine is an AF G&T- most pubs serve that now, but it’s means I can just have a tonic water if they don’t, and I don’t even have to think about it.
I find being AF way easier than trying to moderate, but when I first started cutting down I took Naltrexone for a few months and that helped enormously- I went from feeling like I needed to stop drinking to wanting to; I think that change of mindset made all the difference.

You need to decide not to drink "today". And then make that decision every day.

A few tips:

Avoid the situations where drink is the main focus
Start organising other things - "let's have a picnic Saturday to celebrate X's new job" for example, no one's going to blink at you drinking coke at a picnic
Take your own drinks - rock up to events and say "brought this for me, it's my current favourite" (kombucha etc), if socially difficult, bring beers too for the party
Tell people you're on anti biotics (only works once really).
Drive everywhere - resolve never to even have one drink if you're driving
Find more sober friends and meet for coffee/walk etc
Join AA - it works for many people but you do have to choose the bits you follow to some extent
Speak to your GP for support
See if your workplace has an employee assistance program you can speak to
If you fail, don't throw it all away, start again - the only decision that matters is the next one!

Good luck!

Have you tried drinking beer or cider rather than wine when you’re in situations you’re likely to drink too much? Sometimes when youre thirsty that makes you drink more.

I also recommend Alan carr’s quit drinking book: www.amazon.co.uk/Easy-Control-Alcohol-Allen-Carr/dp/1848374658/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?adgrpid=185123428217&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.HGX-IMw25AcOV1ZQUVpi7TC8U1JdGkDjNgwXUSEvzdy-BLec0116k4rre9HQfgvz9-9X3csp9dgYCJ4f_Z8voE-IdoZFR0VUFoIXQgMkEkgjDZU635tePFrA5EaTe5vu_wRyGsO6dpCVX1yszWtNSEpuQTD7SLNwIbNLnaVpEGyeKf9BlpVkAuGbFCegfiadKxS8mRYLLRv8zmtbgULTsg.bPF9jKbqI0ckkPEl9Dr-3-XY19cJ2WZzplrTevEblwg&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=793380819798&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=9264060&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=11617544017091333784--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=11617544017091333784&hvtargid=kwd-301686772020&hydadcr=21612_2419931_375581&keywords=allen+carr+quit+drinking&mcid=dca1926625913cfa836a9d8cae09cc4b&qid=1782558308&sr=8-4

Hi @Corporatepreggolady. We have a thread over on the alcohol board you're welcome to join. We share lots of tips and support but also it's just general life chat with people that just don't want to have alcohol on their lives any more. I'm almost a year alcohol free now! It's blooming wonderful.