To think if dh says he'll look after dd whilst I have a nap after very little sleep for a few nights he shouldn't doze off and forget her??!

[peacelily]

Have had afes v rough nights due to work stress. Dh comes in from work early today (its my only day off with dd) offered to see to her (she was having her nap) whilst I lay down for a bit. I asked him to get her at 4 as she would have had 2 hours by then and usually wakes up (this was 3.30pm).

I was like "are you sure etc etc" "yes no problem" went and lay down, anxiety woke me up at 4.10 and surprise surprise he'd dozed off on the sofa. Went into her and bless her she was just lying down awake waiting for us. This has happened before on the 2 subsequent occassions he forgot to pick her up from nursery and I arrived just as it was closing to find her waiting all folorn

Just to add he got 9 hours sleep las night and worked from 10 til 2 today hardly grafting all the hours god sends.

He's acusing ME of being in the wrong for being pissed off. And has had his usual completely disproportionate loss of temper shouting and swearing at me (in front of dd) just because I was annoyed with him.

I think this is pathetic do you?

if it was a one off, I would ignore it but the background info in your post makes me think he is being very selfish

it is horrid to shout and swear at you, in front of your DD

YANBU

i think he is being very unfair

I don't understand why you are putting up with it. You know it is crappy behaviour. How to you plan to put a stop to it?

If i try to point out something I think is out of oredr in front of her (calmly) he'll acuse me of breaking "rules" and arguing in front of her and traumatising her. Then if I piont out I'm just trying (calmly) to make a point he begins with the slamming doors, swearing etc and "you've done it again it's going to be your fault she's upset for arguing with me".

he doesn't think we should have ANY kind of disagreement and if I try to bring something up he loses his temper, in a big way and "it's all my fault".

He's using this loss of temper to manipulate me into never speaking my mind. I left the house after this went for a coffee, came back just before he went to play badminton and now he's in the pub.

he's sent me a "can we be friends text" and I've sent one back saying I think his temper tantrum was horrible and unneccessary. Unsurprisingly I've not had a text back.

He is very controlling

He's like a little child that can't get its way. Tell him to grow up or bugger off

Kitty according to him it's all my fault. I put up with it because I have a lovely house with him that I've worked hard to make lovely, and a daughter (who's also lovely) and he used to be nice.

When people say "why are you putting up with it" it's very simplistic IMO a lot of people can't just get up and leave, where do i find money for a deposit on a flat and a months rent, near to work and dds nursery "just like that"??

As for how do I put a stop to it, God knows I've tried nagging, being understanding I have once voted with my feet. There's brief periods of change then he blows up again.

Change the locks...he sounds an arse!

As for "change the locks" my salary alone would only just cover the mortgage let alone everything else. It's really not that simple and I'm NOT after working really hard for 10 years going back to a shitty rented flat in a scummy area!! I've worked hard for this and I'm not just leaving it all behind.

Just had a text offering to bring me a take-away of my choice. usual scenario no apology just take-aways, other "gifts" (last time was jewelly). Very typical man behaviour.

thing is I wouldn't give a shit if he shouted and swore at me prior to dd I can give as good as i get. The main thing that kills me about this is that it's upsetting her.

well..if a house is worth more than yours and your daughters happiness why not just thumb through the menus and go back to living this sad life...

Tell him you want him to go for anger therapy at the very least.

peacelily
I sympathise about the house thing, that was exactly the situation I was in a few years ago. I solved it by moving to Germany, where the salary-housing equation is higher, and I can afford a decent place to live for my children and me.

havent read the rest of the thread, but sometimes divorcing cant be done overnight.

I was being somewhat flippant when I suggested you tell him to 'bugger off' because of course life isn't that simple for many different reasons but I really do think you need to let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable. You should not accept 'peace offerings' unless you genuinely feel that to be ok.

I think you need to spend some time working out what you want and what you want to say to him and then sit and talk with him about it. if he blows up then leave the room, refuse to get pulled in and try your best to present an emotion free front, no matter what's going on inside.
best of luck to you, there are an awful lot of these man-children around

have tried to talk to him but as usual he's accepted what I've said initially but then tried to force me to agree to various "rules" again. because i don't agree with him he's stropped off to bed in a huff. It's always the same we talk, he listens at first then when I say something that disagrees with his toddler like mentality he loses it.

he can't see what a bully he is i.e "are you going to let me finish because I'll only say this once and if you interrupt me you'll never let you know how I really feel" and " oh well you've burnt your bridges you're never going to know now " etc etc. I know this should be on relationship thread I apologise.

I feel shocked because before we married he never used to be like this, yes we had arguments but he wasn't a buuly, or threatening, or controlling to this extent. He does love me and I know he'd be devastated if we went. I feel like I've been tricked, I married one man, and ended up with another (6 years before we married and I was friends with him for 4 years before that).

I know mine and dds happiness is more important than a house it's just I feel so stuck I wish he'd just leave and I'd manage for a bit somehow but he won't. he's made is very clear if we split up it's me who's off and he even has another flat he owns that he could move in to!

peacelilly I guess then that it will have to be you that changes your reactions to his outbursts. Think of him as a child, think yourself in control and stand firm.

Decide what you want to do and do it.

Tbh I would have lost all respect I had for him by now

Well..why not go and se a solicitor and see what rghts you would have over the property. In most cases the wife and child would get to reside in the house at least until the child is 18...I would have thought the fact that your dh has another property would make this even more likely.

Yes, contact a solicitor, find out about your legal rights, then decide how much of his shit you will take. Because he's abusive, and he may well hit you at some point fairly soon (shouting, swearing, talking over you, throwing things, banging doors etc, can and do escalate into physical violence).

If you are seriously thinking of leaving, why not see if he would come to Relate or similar counselling with you first? He may be struggling with things you don't realise, and his controlling behaviour is the way it's coming out?

Thank you for your messages have spent all day betwenn appiontments crying I told him unless he would take some responsibility for his temper and aggressive outburset he gave me no choice but to leave him. He did his usual shouting me down etc. This is waht he always does when I say something that hits a nerve, starts talking over me, interrupting telling me I'm full of shit and so on.

I know he's a bully, he just won't accept it. The thing is his heart is going to be broken big time soon if he doesn't change because I've decided I will leave him if he continues this way. It breaks my heart to because when I look back n the life we used to have it would be like losing a limb. Everytime I saw little reminders of the (nice) things he's done I felt so alone. I have no one to talk to in RL as everyone thinks he's wonderful and I just can't share this kind of stuff with people I can't stand their sympathy.

Also I have a social world of loved up couple perfection around me, no one else ever seems to argue.

There are deep ingrianed reasons for his behaviour his mother is abitter, incompetent, helpless person who never stops going on and on and on she expects the world to pick up the bill for her. She's completely dependent on her sons despite being physically fit. They of course don't stand up to her. She's totally inappropriate and is downright rude and v immature. His Dad never spoke to them when they were younger, had at least one affair and doesn't communicate now. he tricked them into signing their trust funds over when they were 18 and spent all the cash on himself. V selfish.

he was expelled from school and prob was oppositional defiant although very clever. When I met him he was living a riculously chaotic lifestyle. After a few weeks I said goodbye, I couldn't stand it. So he pulled his socks up and got a job. He's still hopeless at self-organisation without getting really stressed. We've had rows about his total reliance on me to get him up in the morning. He NEVER sets the alarm.

But when I met him he was kind, I was having severe panic attacks and struggled to eat. He went out every day to try to get food I would eat and present it to me nicely. He used to put certain songs on to cheer me up. And he was a loyal friend in a time where some female supposedly friends had let me down. He still is knid but this horrible bullying side has emerged and I can't live with him anymore .

Sorry to rant on, I've NEVER got this off my chest to anyone.

oh peacelily
keep talking, hope you can find a way through this.

Keep talking to him and I think the first thing you need to discuss is rules, who is supposed to abide by tjhese rules, you, that is not right.
it sounds like you needed him a lot when you first met and he liked that, you reeally need to get him to sit down and talk to you.

When you met him and he was 'kind' - was he was really in control of you? Of what you ate (going out, choosing it, presenting it, pursuading you to eat it). When you say loyal friend - did he guide you a lot? Look again at your past - did he have a lot of say/input/control over your day to day existence?

I'm probably totally wrong, I bet you'll come back and say Hec, totally wrong end of stick my dear it was nothing like that. In which case, sorry. I don't know why but the picture that is in my mind is that you used to be ... compliant, or at least he really did have what he felt was control over you - you needed him and he was 'sorting you out'. But now you're far better and you stand up to him, perhaps you don't need him so much, maybe you decide, for example, what you're going to eat!

So he's trying to get that control back, he controlled you at a vulnerable time by leading you and how much you needed him and he controls you now by bullying you. Like I say, I'm probably totally misreading this, but could it be that he always needed someone to control and that he chose you to meet those needs?

I think Hecate is almost certainly right. This man is a controlling bully (yes, his horrible childhood explains it, blah blah blah,but he is an adult and should go and sort himself out). He liked your vulnerability when you met: it makes him feel less of a fuckup if he can be the big strong in-charge one taking care of someone who is a wreck. Now that you are OK in yourself he is losing control of you and having to worry that he is actually a weaker person than you, hence the frenzied attempts to take charge of you.

I must say, a lot of your last post resonated with me too, peacelily. I was also at a very vulnerable time, just recovering from 10 years of depression, when I met my ex, who was initially kind and did give me a lot of genuine help, that at the time I needed. The price was a lifetime of doing what I was told by him. Since we divorced, I've seen a pattern of him several times latching onto much younger, vulnerable women and trying to control them.

Yet at the same time, he himself is desparately searching for love.

Would your dh agree to go for psychiatric treatment (have I got the right term?), to get to the bottom of his various insecurities?

If you are seriously thinking about divorce, find out your rights. You may quite likely get to stay in the house, at least while your children are growing up. You are right, that it is very hard to walk out of a life that you have spent a lot of effort building up, especially if it means falling off the property ladder in teh current climate. I now have very little chance of ever getting back onto it in the UK.

He has never been "in control" of what i ate! he just tried to get me to eat something! he was pleased everytime I made a meal for myself or went out for something. He just used to get alot of food in all the time to try and tempt me to eat SOMETHING.

And all this time I was out at work earning a living, supporting myself and saving for my first flat and car. I've never "given in" to being anxious I've always forced myself to have a "normal" life. I can see your point Madamez but I think you're being a little may I say it over judgmental, he's got control issues, yes, in arguments he does try to bully me because he feels out of control. He KNOWS I will walk if it continues. We had a chat last night and he says he knows what I'm saying he does amounts to bullying, but he doesn't realise he's doing it and he doesn't know how to stop. It's only when I havea piont to make with him or when we argues and TBH if anyone "backs down" it's often him more than me.

But I do agree because of the chaos of his life he does need someone to control and in some way needed me to be vulnerable. Now I'm more resilient (dare I say it a bit hard faced) I think he panics. I think it frightens him that I'm not as needy. He's never gone mental over where I go who I see, what I wear, male friends etc. he's v chilled about all of that.

What we talekd about last night included sveral flash piont issues and as soon as he started talking over me/shouting I got up to leave. Eventually he had a calm conversation with me and we were both able to listen.

I know this is horrible but sometimes I can't stand his parents for the mess they made of him and his brother, yes it's certainly not the most awful childhood, but the fact they never showed him a decent example, gave him no boundaries and in the case of his Mum relied TOTALLY on him for emotional support (From a v early age) kicks off if he doesn't come running. Why couldn't they just sort it out!!

I think he could do with talking about this stuff, but he's internalised it and doesn't know what the hell he should be talking about. He's man after all.