What do you actually do with a tantrum like this? Am I wrong to ignore?

[Utreewpoi]

Ds 3.5 has started screaming first thing in the morning. I am a single parent and ex never has him overnight or much at all really. I think this is relevant as I have had to have boundaries to survive and in the past things have been routine driven and worked well.

The screaming is horrendous. I say to him calmly that we can’t go downstairs at 5:30 and we need to wait until the alarm goes off. He just screams. It’s no solution for him to be in my bed either as he screams there too that he wants to be downstairs or outside or whatever.

After explaining to him calmly that mum needs to rest until her alarm, after getting water etc I have resorted to ignoring him. Is this wrong? Am I doing damage? I don’t understand how else to cope with it.

Ignoring him is fine. The screaming is attention seeking and by ignoring it he’ll soon learn that it won’t get him what he wants.

Depends if all your neighbours are affected by it … esp in this weather with windows open.

How long is he screaming for? How long has this been going on?

Is he in his bedroom when he’s screaming? Does he have a stairgate etc? When my children wake up early they have toys or book to play with and it keeps them busy. My 2.5 year old is in a cot still so I leave books for her and she can reach her toy box and she will happily play. Appreciate this won’t work for everyone.

I'd be telling him if the ndn comes knocking he can answer and tell them why he's being naughty ..and consequences for you being tired..

What time is he going to bed?
If he's had a full night sleep like 7.30-5.30 then I do think it's unfair to expect him to stay in bed in the morning.

Did you read that he is 3.5 years old? This is a ludicrous suggestion

No you are not wrong to ignore. However it’s possible that he has had enough sleep or is having a growth spurt and is hungry or is thirsty in the heat.
However mine also went through a 5:30 wake phase. Yes it’s awful, yes it does pass. Personally I would just get him up and start the day. Try swimming the evening before. Can really tired them out. Drop his nap if still having one. Being a pot of snacks up to your room.
It’s tough but screaming aside if they are awake they are awake and it’s time to start the day. My limit was 5am. Before that was not get up time.
Agree about the toys/books. A 3.5 year old isnt really safe to be left alone and they will get up to mischief quick.

If I was being woken up at 5.30am by someone else's screaming toddler I'd be pretty pissed off. You need to get up with him, not just let him scream.

You just get up and get on with your day, you cant just lie there and let them scream
Milk and a snack and you drink coffee
I used to get dinner prepped and had all chores done before 8am

Is it disturbing the neighbours? If you’re in a detached I’d crack on but with a few tweaks to help him sleep later: gro clock, blackout blinds, water bottle by his bed at bedtime, dropping the nap if he still has one, later bedtime, more active evenings, filling supper, reward for staying in bed, quiet toys/books in his room etc. If however you’re in a flat or his bed is against the party wall of a terrace with bad soundproofing then I would rethink as it isn’t fair on the neighbours.

With tantrums I wouldn't ignore necessarily but let it wash over me. So stay present but step back a little bit. It sounds like you are doing the right things. I'd just say sorry you are having a hard time, I'm here if you need a cuddle. Something like that. You are right not to change your position due to the screaming. However at the same time staying in bed quietly could be very difficult for some 3.5 year olds. Could he listen to an audio track? Could you adjust your routine so you are awake for the day around 5.30? I will admit I just put them in front of the TV at that age if they woke early and went back to bed.

One of mine woke earlier and earlier at that age until it was every day at 5am. It stopped in his pre-school year when nursery became more challenging. I also remember him being very hungry as soon as we were up. But you must get up with him as screaming is an unpleasant start to the day.

How's his speech? Can you ask him at a later time of day something like - DS, you were very sad and cross this morning, can you remember why? Did you want something? Did you have a bad dream?

If it's just that he wants to go downstairs, I would try something like a gro clock - they change colour at a certain time telling DC it's OK to wake up parents now, when it's still the night time colour then they won't get taken downstairs. When you're setting it up, you can go through what you want him to do if he wakes up and it's still on night time. For example perhaps he has some toys in his room he could play with quietly if getting back into bed seems like an unrealistic expectation.

Then once the clock is set up, if he is complaining before the time you can ignore, and after the time then get up with him.

TBH it's been so hot these last few days he could have just been hot and had a bit of a headache or something. It's also bright early in the morning, does he have good curtains/blinds on his window? You can get blackout fabric fairly cheaply online or at a fabric shop and use iron on stuff to stick it to the back of his curtains, if you don't have a sewing machine.

No-one wants to get up at 5:30am but it's not totally ludicrous and of course most 3.5yos won't entertain themselves until it's a more civilised time. Presumably you are not getting any sleep while he is howling in his bedroom anyway?

It's light early and it's hot. I would get up with him and if it seems that he is 'ready for the day' ie. has had enough sleep then he needs to go to bed later.

You have my sympathy - ours have both been through these phases.