DD constantly hiding other people's things

[ConcreteJungle43]

Just after some advice. My DD6 has a very annoying habit of hiding things. For example the remote, her brother's toys, tablets, phones, people's shoes. Sometimes this will be in response to being asked to do something she doesn't want to do, other times it will seemingly be at random times with no trigger. She will always deny hiding the object, despite it being very obvious that she has (think finding spiderman under her pillow). It wouldn't be too bad if she wasn't so good at hiding things, sometimes we end up hunting for days for the missing item, and often she'll forget where she's hidden it ( or at least it seems that way). Has anyone had a similar experience with their child? I'm just at a loss as to handle it.

No advice really but following as my 7yo sometimes does this… we’ve started really trying to clamp down on it with consequences etc but she still does it sometimes…

Every time she dies it remove three things from her room for at least a week. Not random things. Things she like.

This sounds like a good idea.

Does she think it’s funny like “hey pranked you!!”
or cute like a YouTuber or is she doing it nastily?

It’s not really hiding things though is it? It’s stealing things people need. I’d come down hard on this.

Stop her doing anything she wants to until SHE finds the missing article. Dont help her look, just tell her to go and find it. If she whines that she's being blamed for something she has not done then point out that her past record means you dont currently trust her to tell you the truth. Tell her you love her but not the hiding stuff which upsets or inconveniences others. She is old enough to understand that.

This is correct. The items are only retrieved because you hunt for days. She’s stealing.

I like the idea of taking one of her favourites (not secretly) for a few days each time she does it.

I’d remove something she cares about until she finds the missing item. Sometimes children struggle with empathy and it can be useful for them to experience the same difficulties they’re causing.

Thanks for the advice. We do confiscate something of hers for a few days whenever she does this, although so far it hasn't detered her. No she isn't doing it as a prank, she doesn't laugh about it. I would say it's almost a compulsion for her.

It's interesting that a few of you have said that it's essentially stealing not hiding. I hadn't thought of it like that but you're absolutely right. We have had problems with her stealing things from her classmates as well. We came down hard on her for this and she did eventually stop.

Sounds like theres an attention seeking element perhaps - when she does this, you're perhaps around her asking her questions, etc.
Maybe try the thing other have suggested, but also make sure its v unexciting - "you've taken X's toy haven't you - this needs to stop - go and get it and give it back". Then no further attention, and she's not allowed to do anything else until the object is returned. If she does anything else or moans, just repeat in a flat voice "go and get it and give it back"

She has things she likes too.

It happens, you hide her things until it's found.

Maybe try just doing it randomly as that's what she does (although you did say it often happens when she's asked to do something - that doesn't sound compulsive!)

She'll soon get pissed off with it if you do it often enough.

Unless she's actually after attention.

It could be attention seeking, although she doesn't appear to get any enjoyment from it which is what has me a bit perplexed. I will try some of the techniques suggested.

When my eldest dd was younger I called this magpying. She would take small things and it wasn’t malicious as such even though it was definitely stealing. She didn’t do it so the person missed out, she kind of liked what the item represented. It was only rarely spiteful It came from a place of great insecurity and as she got older she started doing it with personalities and dress sense too. It wasn’t enough to steal a small item, she had to mimic/copy people. It was almost like she didn’t have her own personality and was an empty well. Turned out that was diagnosed anutistic and adhd in her late teens. Is taken a HUGE amount of therapy and building her up over the years but she’s great now at 28 and has been “her own” person for about 6 years (although she is very much attached to her partner and I suspect her entire world would collapse without him ).

It’s like you’re writing about my DD7.
She’s ND and shows all the traits of Pathological Demand Avoidance - she hides my phone, my hairbrush, this week she hid the remote control for the tv … in the toilet bowl… becuase she was frustrated with me becuase I was vacuuming.
Sometimes she also hides things for fun, especially my phone.

Also more likely to do this if I ask her to do something or if I won’t immediately stop when she says she wants me to.

I don’t have strategies for this one yet!

I had this problem with a pupil hiding a classmate's things "for a joke", somebody he wanted to inconvenience, possibly get into trouble.
It was amazing how often things reappeared when I announced to the whole class, naming no names, that we would be missing break to find the missing exercise book, shoe, whatever. I would praise the whole class for their helpfulness while giving a knowing look to the culprit; I had no proof at all but a very good idea, he would have stoutly denied it and acted very aggrieved to be accused, but this inconvenienced him rather than his victim. I made a point of "praising" him when it "luckily" turned up, but from his uneasy expression, I knew that he knew I was on to it.
Perhaps you could try the "drop everything and search" routine in a domestic setting; the TV goes off, or whatever it is she enjoys, gosh what a nuisance for everybody, Daddy loves that programme, or I'd much rather be playing in the garden, wouldn't you? You know her weaknesses .

I agree with this. Basically life shuts down until the object is given back. It might take hours the first time it happens but once you get into a pattern where she knows you mean and won't back down the timing will become shorter.

She's not just stealing, she is also lying through her teeth. It's time to buckle up before she's ostracised by her peers as a liar and a thief.

When DD did this I hid her fav toys and wen she looked for them commented "it's not nice is it, that is why I have never done it to you before, I hope I don't have to again"

Same when she lied to me age 15. I told her I was taking her somewhere she wanted to go waited till all ready and then said "Oh it was just a little lie, you said it wasn't a big deal" and shrugged. The look on her face was priceless - total realisation of her behaviour.

We are very very close now and she thanks me for being tough on her, she is an outstanding young woman.

My dd8 did this when she was around 6, she hid her sisters car keys the frayed tempers of that morning won’t be forgotten easily 🫣 after that she never did it again , too scared of her sisters wrath