How can I best support a friend after the loss of her baby? TW INFANT DEATH

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Today we found out that one of my beautiful lovely friends little girl. Aged just 10/11 weeks old has passed away.
This family are honestly the loveliest, kindest people in the world. I am heartbroken totally for them. Life is so cruel and unfair.
I’m just wondering what, if anything I can do to ease the load, or if I need to give them a wide berth (I am due with my own little girl any day now, and this friend and myself have been planning lots of lovely stuff to do on our maternity leave with our baby girls together for months, and I absolutely do not want to trigger them, make them uncomfortable or anything like that) they have an older child too, and I can’t imagine how unbelievably difficult it must be to keep going for your big kid when your whole life is falling to bits.
I just love her so much and want her to know I’m thinking of her, but don’t want to send an interflora or something thoughtless and naff. And I certainly don’t want to upset her by turning up about to pop. I was thinking maybe posting a care package next week, toys for the older child, and little pick me ups for mum and dad. I was thinking of cooking her favourite meal, and doorstep dropping, or doing Cook or Stock’d meals or ordering take out for them. But I just don’t know. Nothing feels like it’s good enough or right.
We are close enough friends that I’m in contact with her siblings and parents so I could ask them if there’s anything I could do. But equally open to hear from people if they think I should just back off for a bit too. I genuinely just love them all so much, and would do anything in my power to make this hideous experience even a tiny bit better.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I’m sorry if you’ve ever been in this position

I would send her an honest, heartfelt message. Tell her you love her and express your sympathies.
ask if she would like to see you or if she would like some space for now. Give her an easy way to tell you what she wants.
if you do go and see her, just listen. Let her talk, let her repeat herself. Don’t look for platitudes as there are none. Talk about her baby if she seems keen to, look at pictures. Let her lead the way.

just like to add, you seem like a lovely, considerate person 💐

Oh Op. how utterly heartbreaking. A friend of mine lost her little boy at 5 months old a few weeks ago. She has been very active on social media about it as that’s how she is dealing with her grief.

Only you know your friend and what they want/need. If my best friend had lost her baby she would
want me to go round and let her sob her heart out on my shoulder. I think I’d want the same too.

whatever you do, you are doing it from a place of love ❤️

whatever you do, dont ignore it.

Being low pressure, responsive and available is the absolute best you can do for people experiencing a traumatic loss. Given the nature of the bereavement, you will need to take your lead from them and accept it might change over time/ in the moment. E.g. she might think she would love to see you and then see you and feel dreadful and want you to go.

I think your ideas for care package etc are good. Don't be afraid to be in touch, or to say you would love to see them but understand that might be difficult for her/them. Offering to help out with the sibling might be a gentle way to support.

Have a look at SANDS and The Lullaby Trust who have resources for people who are supporting others with baby loss. My condolences

One of the worst things about losing a child is that people actively avoid you because they don't know what to say. There are no words of comfort but just being there, saying you're so sorry for their loss, is enough. It may be that its too painful for her to see you right now but reach out and don't be offended if she doesn't reply. She will know that you care and that's enough.

I did get in touch this morning, and said there was no pressure to reply, but that I loved them all and was thinking of them, and I was around if there’s anything that they needed. But from my own experience- (stillbirth/late miscarriage at 20 weeks, so absolutely not the same a baby you’ve bought earth side and fed from your body and held and loved and bonded) I was almost at a point where I didn’t know what I wanted or needed and that “let me know if there’s anything you need” mentality felt like pressure for me to make decisions and manage other people if you know what I mean.

I absolutely will hold space for them and will not actively avoid them, but I equally don’t want to be a pest, you know.

Thanks I’ll look at this after my littles are out of swimming lessons!

You sound lovely.

How heartbreaking for your friend.

My darling daughter died a few months ago (a young adult but the loss of a child is a unique pain whatever the age).

It might help you to know that all the contact I had from people was well received. Nobody turned up unannounced. That would have been unwelcome.As would phone calls as I couldn’t cope with talking. But this is a range of things people did and all was well received.

Sent flowers. Some people say not to but I did appreciate them very much. Particularly the scented ones.

Sent small gifts for my other children (another young adult and a teenager)

Wrote letters and cards. I have them all together in a huge scrapbook.

Left food on the doorstep.

Followed up the initial flowers, letters etc with regular short texts just checking in. Many people still do that now. It’s hugely helpful to know I am
not forgotten (I’ve been quite unwell and have largely stopped going out).

Attended her funeral. It was hugely important to me that we had so many there (nearly 300 actually). It was beautiful.

The very best thing anyone did was the friend who organised a shop for me for 3 weeks in a row. Just a delivery with ready meals, snacks etc, even cat food so we didn’t have to think about it. That was expensive and a bit excessive really. But it was wonderful not go have to do anything.

Acted as a taxi for me and my husband to visit funeral directors and go to identify my daughter’s body. We were both too distressed to drive.

Took my other children out for food.

Visited and checked in on my father and mother in law who are elderly and were shocked and grieving but whom I didn’t have the capacity to support.

Those who have continued to talk about my daughter 8 months later and share their love of her.

I feel so much for your dear friend. I wish her peace where she can find it.

One thing for the longer term - make a note now in your calendar or wherever you will remember - both your friend's daughter's birthday, and the anniversaries of her death. My friend's son, born a few weeks after mine, died at three months and at first every date was fresh in my mind - I messaged her at a month, then at two, justand so ok, just because he was on my mind. I offered to have her other children on those days, when lock downs allowed, and sent a birthday present on his first birthday (something in his memory and a gift for his siblings). But of course my life is changing, and her loss is still central to her. I wanted to make sure I would never forget his birthday especially, so I just added it in along with the date of his birth and now (six years later) I usually remember anyway but I am quite forgetful and since she (and he) matters to me this is how I ensure I show that. Your friend may not want the same things as my friend did (she still holds a party for him each year and we send a gift or attend if we can, as we moved away). But I think she would appreciate knowing someone else is thinking of and remembering her daughter.

You sound like an amazing friend. It’s such a tricky situation isn’t it? You’re about to have your baby and you want to share the joy but then you feel guilty for your friend.

The only thing you can do is tell her how much you love her and that you’re there for whatever she may need you: I am so sorry your going through this and I wish you love and happiness with your baby. Life can be so cruel ♥️

Food that can go in the freezer and be shoved in the oven is helpful, as nobody is going to feel up to cooking. Go and see her, let her then go at her own pace in terms of what she wants to talk about. I think one of the biggest mistakes is to think that intense grief is just in the immediate aftermath of a death, when at the beginning there is a lot of stuff to organise, and people are in shock. After the funeral, weeks later when the initial shock is flowing away, can be incredibly hard. So doing small things then and remembering the anniversaries, can help with that feeling of being stuck alone while your friends have moved on.

I think I’d go round and take some dinner for the fridge and be visible.

Very low pressure and take their lead. Some want to bury it deep and others want their baby to be as remembered as they can be so like a PP said making a note of the birthday.

If you send a card I’d make sure you name the little one not just sorry for the loss of your baby / daughter. Make sure it’s for the passing of beloved Sophie.

That is so very sad and you sound a supportive and caring friend. I can only speak of my own experience with a very close friend that lost a young child in very sad circumstances. Nothing you can do or say can take away the pain, you may find the friendship changes as your friend grieves her loss, be prepared for this. Just check in now and then, without any expectation. Wishing you all the best OP.

Try and make a note to check in with her every so often if she goes quiet. I was still in distress six months later (it came in waves) and all my friends and family seemed to have faded away back into their own lives after a perfunctory ‘sorry’ message around the week of death, and I really could have done with even just one person to send a ‘how are you?’ text later on.

Everyone will be different but when my friend's child died some of the things really got to her were:

1 - People not using her child's name or referring to it as the tragedy/accident/incident, or trying to mininise it.

"How are you coping since the accident?" really got her instead of "how are you coping since [child's name] died?. She didn't view it as an accident or incident - her child died.

2 - people saying "He's in a better place now"
As a mum, the best place will always be with her so it really upset her.
or "It was God's will", "Only the good die young" or anything similar.

3 - "I can't imagine if that was my child" or any comparrisons. She just wasn't able to hear them. She knew they meant well but it didn't matter.

4 - "Cry alone" - she used to stop talking about her child when her friends got upset too. She wanted to be able to talk about her child without others getting upset.

5 - Let her determine the contact type and timing. As a friendship group, we used to text her first "are you up for a call or would it suit if we called around". Sometimes she just wanted to text, or a call sometimes she wanted a visit. We didn't force things.

6 - Put the date of death & birth in your phone as a reminder. Never forget it and always acknowledge it even as simple as "Thinking of you & [child's name] today.

7- we filled her fridge and freezer with individual size meals - just easily reheatable stuff - no fussy or complicated stuff

You can't take away that pain and nothing you can do will help in that regard but just make her life as simple and easy as you can, especially while she's still in shock.

The fact you are even asking means you are the type of friend she needs. X

Im so sorry to hear this OP.

I have been in a similar when my friend’s baby died, in that our babies were only two months apart (He was 1 year old when he died and my son was 10 months).

We’d spent all our maternity leave together and we had become a really close unit and so when her daughter died it threw a bomb into the dynamics of our relationship/friendship.

Sadly our friendship didn't survive the trauma as understandably seeing me with my son was a constant reminder of what she had lost due to how close in age our babies had been and how we’d always spent so much time together as a four.

My only advice is to go at her speed and be guided by her, it is going to be so incredibly difficult for her.

I hope that somehow you manage to find a way through it because you sound like a very thoughtful and considerate friend.

Thank you so much everyone I am so grateful to you all for your advice and I’m so sorry to anyone who has experienced the loss of their beautiful children. I really appreciate you all taking the time out of your days to help me help my friend- you are truly lovely