Am I a domestic abuse champion, in an abusive relationship?

[StrugglingwiththisAIBU]

I’m struggling with this as I feel professionally I should be able to identify this but also wonder if it’s me BU.

Try to keep it brief - been in a relationship for 4 years. Live separately, have separate children. He wants to blend and get married and live together etc, I absolutely do not, my kids have had enough turmoil and I like our settled lives.

My children see their Dad 2 nights a week, I usually see my partner. We’ve had our real ups and downs over the past 6 months - jealousy from him, resulted in me calling it a day but to remain friends. He immediately went on dates etc. we decided to give it another try.

Anyway to try and make this quicker, he seems to have a real problem if I arrange things with my friends on one of my child free nights. Last night my friend had a curry night. He wasn’t happy. When I’ve read back over my messages I feel sick, it reads like something one of the survivors I work with would have shown me. Basically hostility from him because I wanted to stay at my friends until 9:30 and constant approval seeking from me. How did I end up here?

It can happen to any of us!
The good thing is you’ve spotted it. Now you need to nip it in the bud or walk away. You know the rest…

Exactly this.
Well done for recognising what’s happening, so you can walk away.
You know you deserve better!

Please don't think because you understand abuse, you're immune from it. It just doesn't work like that. It can happen to absolutely anyone. And I am speaking from experience, nobody would have thought I'd end up in an abusive relationship.
You know that this man is showing major red flags. We all know that. You have to be strong against him. He's already manipulating you.
The going on dates thing was deliberate. It also shows how much he needs female attention.
Please heed the wake-up call which is buzzing in your head.

How has a relationship where you both clearly want very different things lasted 4 years

Well without seeing the messages, hard to say, although if you think there is something wrong with the the messages, then there probably is. If the tone of his messages is off and rings alarm bells for you then I think you've probably answered your own question.
He's in a relationship with someone who after 4 years is still only seeing him a max of twice a week, and some of the time when you could see him you're spending with other people. I can see how that would be upsetting and frustrating for him, although it doesn't justify his hostility. I can also see that you are entitled to a social life and that he should not "own" all your childfree time. It doesn't sound as if you are on the same page or want the same things long-term, so maybe splitting up would be better.

Just step out of the relationship, well done for not subjecting your children to this. I always feel so heartbroken for kids when they have really super awful step parents so well done for recognising the signs. Coercive control is real and toxic and cannot be remedied in my experience.

He is a controlling arse. Finish it. You deserve better. Well done for recognising it and putting your DC first.

As poster above says it can happen to any of us! My ex was a little like that, got stroppy if I went out without him, he ruined several trips to visit my cousin because he refused to message or speak to me while I was away! Compared to DH who actively encourages me to continue seeing friends and family! In fact a couple of times I’ve been making noises about cancelling and he’s told me to get my big girl pants on and go out as friendships are important! He even lent me his car once to visit my cousin as my air con wasn’t working and it was due to be a hot week!
Ex and I were also very similar to you in that we didn’t live together and only saw each other a couple of nights a week, when I look back I kick myself for staying 13 years as the signs were all
there he was a twat I just didn’t think I was good enough for anything better!

my own dad was a very violent and controlling individual and growing up I was adamant I’d never ever allow a man to hit me or threaten or coerce me. I’ve been punched, strangled, threatened and cut off from friends in 3 different relationships. I could see it happening yet couldn’t prevent it.
Block this cunt, he isn’t your friend. Any drama you get the police involved. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve the world, not some pathetic little weasel.

Well done on refusing to let him move in with you and seeing he's just another controlling bastard, now you have to get rid of him.

One of the biggest risk factors for an abusive relationship is thinking you’re immune.

So many severely abused women miss it, even when it’s happening to them because they quite rightly recognise that they are strong, capable women supporting a weak, damaged man. The victim narrative doesn’t fit.

It is incredibly easy to sleepwalk into danger. You’ve done so well so spot this.

What pulls/pulled you back to him?

How would you advise a client to extract themselves from this relationship?

For the first 2 years we were both very clearly in the same place. It seemed perfect as we appeared to have the same idea of what a good future looked like - once all kids were grown up, moved out and settled into lives of their own, we would like to retire somewhere together near the sea.

Then he proposed. Very publicly. I said yes and immediately following the proposal (a few hours later) I reiterated that our original plans still stood for me, my children have additional needs and went through a fairly traumatic break up and as such, need a settled life at home with just me. He wholeheartedly agreed. But as time went on the cracks appeared - my time became ‘our time’ - my daughters eating disorder and anxiety has occasionally impacted our plans - that became as issue. And as such, I find myself here, constantly trying to keep the peace with him.

Companionship on occasions I think? The dates he went on hurt me and made me jealous and I think I mistook jealousy for a deep need and love for him.

I don’t know why but I cannot seem to take my own advice!

Thanks for the replies everybody, I have got to get out of this relationship.

Trust your gut instincts. Time to end things.

It's a lot easier to give advice than to take it for yourself. At one point a significant part of my job was supporting people to develop relationship skills. Then I did a session with a couple and realised the toxic dynamic they were experiencing was what I was experiencing at home. It still took a while to extract myself though.
Well done for recognising it. And good luck with getting out of it as quickly as you can.