AIBU for being paranoid about our sex life after twins

[StatuesLove]

I’ve been married 7 years, we’re both 30 and have twin toddlers. We have a happy marriage, my husband is a great dad, works full-time, and has never given me any reason not to trust him.
We’re intimate around 1–2 times a week, which I know is pretty normal with young children. However, ever since having the twins, and especially since a friend discovered her husband was using dating apps, I’ve become really anxious about our sex life.

I find myself keeping evenings free in case my husband wants sex, even though he often makes plans with friends and clearly isn’t sitting there expecting it. I seem to have convinced myself that if we’re not having enough sex, something must be wrong, despite there being no evidence of that.
Has anyone else gone through this? How did you stop overthinking and just enjoy your relationship again?

How often do you want to have sex with your husband? Keeping evenings free in case he wants to have sex sounds really weird.

I’m struggling to understand this tbh.

Maybe some counselling would help? Your marriage sounds like it is in a good place at a time many find difficult. Are you worried things are going too well and that you don’t deserve happiness?

I think you need to unpick this. 💐

1-2 times a week with two toddlers is phenomenal … why are you seeing sex as a way to ‘keep’ your husband. Marriages split for many reasons … sex isn’t just it. If you’re happy, content and neither of you are seeking ‘more’ then you’re ok! Unless there is some massive backstory that you were doing it 3-4 times a day everyday before the babies!

This type of catastrophising can be a form of OCD. If you are having regular intrusive thoughts maybe speak to your GP?

I think you need to communicate better with your husband. Keeping evenings free for sex is a bit odd unless your idea of sex takes hours! If you fancy it then just let him know with a squeeze and a smile or, even better, tell him!

Or if you really are actually up for it on most nights just tell him he only has to ask!! That way no one is guessing.

Echoing what PP’s have said and that 1-2 a week with twin toddlers is pretty good going! You definitely shouldn’t have to feel anxious about this. I also very much believe that if you are with a good man, then if he has any concerns about your sex life he will talk to you about it and you’ll find a way to make things work together. He probably has no concerns and is very content in that department. If the man you’ve married is actually a dick head and is going to stray elsewhere, there is literally nothing you could do to stop it. Some people will cheat no matter what the situation is like at home, no matter how much sex they have with their partners. Don’t pencil in time to have sex just in case he wants it, you are wasting your time. If you trust him and he’s given you no reason to doubt him, then relax. There is no reason to sit there and think “how do I stop my man cheating” - because if that is something you have to ask yourself based on genuine concerns around his behaviour/past etc then the real question should be “how do I start divorce proceedings?”. You shouldn’t have to “stop” your man cheating because a decent husband isn’t going to need stopping. I hope that makes sense - it does in my head but whether that translates on the page is another matter!

So much for spontaneity

I also think this sounds like it could be a form of OCD. From your post it sounds like your husband is a good man. I would try and talk to him about it.

You really shouldn’t ever be having sex just because you feel like you should and I’m sure your husband feels the same.

You shouldn’t be forcing yourself to have sex with someone because you’re scared to lose them.

It’s natural for people to have different sex drives, it’s natural for what’s “normal” for a couple to chop and change due to many factors in life. But it isn’t normal or ok for you to be anxious and feeling you have to be ready and raring to go every second of the day or else your husband will stray.

If you’re worried, chat to your husband. Ask him how he feels, tell him how you do and make a plan to make more of an effort as a couple from both sides. This doesn’t necessarily need to mean more sex. It means having meaningful conversation every day, making sure you’re having physical touch like holding hands and having a hug etc and keeping communication open.

Do you think that your DH is more likely to cheat if you stop having sex? That's just not true! There are loads of posters on here who said they had sex every day and their partners STILL cheated! Equally - there are dead bedroom partners who don't cheat despite wanting more sex.

Just have sex when you want to and feel like it - it's not going to have any impact on whether your DH strays imo. Definitely don't do it only as a way to try and keep him!

Can you not talk to your husband? Surely that's better than feeling unnecessarily anxious?

Keeping your evenings free on the off chance your husband might want sex? It’s as if the feminist movement never happened.

Live your own life like he lives his own life. See friends, get out more. Then you will have stuff to talk about when you’re together again which is better for your relationship than all this overthinking.

Some of the replies are horrible, it sounds like you’ve lost your confidence and a bit of who you were pre children which is perfectly normal. Have a talk with your husband let him know how you’re feeling if you can and be kind to yourself.

I have sex almost every day and I don't really schedule it - it just happens when we're both in bed together. I was out until 9.30pm last night but managed to fit in sex when I got home! Why do you feel you need to set so much time aside for it? As others have said, if you make time for yourself and do things you enjoy, rather than hanging around on the off-chance he's free, you'll probably feel much better in yourself. And do talk to him about how you feel!

@HardFuckingBirddo you have kids?

Yes - two, both in infant school, so a bit older than OP's. Sex takes 20-30 minutes tops, so rightly or wrongly I've never felt the need to schedule it, and having children hasn't majorly disrupted our physical relationship at any point.

This is so true. Sex won’t stop someone cheating if they’re that sort of person. In my experience (ex dh left me for someone else) if they’re highly sexed they’ll just want more and more regardless. Won’t make any difference. Often it isn’t even about the sex, it’s about the chase and the excitement.

Dh and I have been together 18 years now. We’re both old and knackered now - both have health issues and a disabled teenage Ds needs a lot of our energy- and we very rarely have sex. Neither of us is bothered, neither of us cheating. We are very close and appreciate the relationship we have and the family we’ve built together. Stop focusing on sex and what others are doing.