Birthday expectations/ hopes

[chocolatecoveredpretzels]

It's my birthday on Saturday. Just me and my husband, sadly no kids yet.

He's not worked properly since October 2025. Without going into all the details, he's not eligible for benefits, so all outgoings are paid for by me. I don't think he's putting in anywhere near enough effort to find something new and it's caused arguments. He's also asked for/ taken money from the joint account for his personal spends, like vapes and hobbies.

We have tickets for a show on Saturday. We'll both enjoy it, but it's definitely more his 'thing' than mine. At first, he paid for tickets and said he would treat me for my birthday, as it's the same day. This was booked last Summer. Then he asked if I could pay for it, some months later, because he needed the money after his work dried up.

I have a feeling he will still see it as my birthday treat, even though I've paid for it, and will have to drive us and pay for parking and dinner and drinks etc.

It probably sounds selfish, and I'm not expecting anything extravagant, but a bit of appreciation and effort would make a difference. AIBU to expect/ hope for that?

(BTW, I have reminded him that I paid for the tickets...)

Sorry but why does he spend money on vapes and hobbies when he isn’t working? Basically you’re paying for everything… even tickets to something that’s “more his thing”.

YANBU for feeling unappreciated because you’re keeping everything going financially. Is there anything he does to help you out?

Imagine if you did have children. You would be footing the bill for everything and I’m sure you’d start to resent him if he generally is a selfish person.

You need to sit down and talk to him because resentment can build and ruin a relationship. You also shouldn’t put up with his lack of effort in finding work.

It's absolutely not selfish to expect your partner to make some effort for your birthday, especially if he's doing nothing else productive. And I'll bet he's still expecting credit for the tickets on Saturday.

Do not have children with this man, Unless things drastically change for a good period of time before even contemplating it) he is not the one to have kids with.

YANBU I thought men were supposed to be providers? Is that not a thing anymore? (I'm old)

I'd sooner go out with a friend to be honest.

You need to give yourself the biggest and the best birthday present ever. Leaving him.

Thanks everyone. I do have tickets to something else the weekend after, and it's not really something he's too excited about, so I may take a friend instead.

He's somewhat helpful around the house, but not the same standard as me doing it. It's like he starts a job but doesn't see it through. I read somewhere about 'closing the loop', like someone hoovering but leaving the hoover out and just expecting someone else to put it away. I probably need to get more firm about him following through.

OK, so he doesn't work. He's not useful at home. He's a drain on your finances and your happiness.

What exactly is the point of him?

This is about more than your birthday OP. You'd actually be better off single.

So you’re going to something for your birthday that he likes more than you, you’ve paid, you’ve got to drive, sort parking and pay for dinner and drinks (presumably non-alcoholic as you’re driving)?

That doesn’t sound like any sort of treat for you-it’s a chore. Why can’t he drive?

There are many many warning signs here for a really crappy future. Is that what you want?

Is there any point in being married to this person?
Loses his job but makes little effort getting another
Spends your money on non essentials
Buys a gift for himself for your birthday
Doesn't pull his weight with chores. Or anything, by the sounds of it.

I wouldn't be looking to have kids with him or all these things will be magnified x100

I've had multiple miscarriages, so we decided just to pause last summer, then he stopped getting work and it just felt wrong.

When he is/was working, things felt much fairer. I have had to pick up more hours, which means I'm doing 11 or 12 hour days each weekday. Not sure how it got to this point, really.

Sorry op, but he’s lazy let this one go.

Why do you have to drive you both ?

Wow, how old are you?! Men haven't been there just to provide for nearly 100 years!