School friendship advice, please help!!

[currentlyinvenice]

DD10 had ongoing social issues since toddler age, just can’t seem to integrate with other kids. zero compromise, had to dictate games and play. Believe me I have tried consequences and removed from play the second she isn’t playing nice, endless talking about how to play ect and I haven’t seemed to have any progress.

Had a few friends over the school years, one friends primary 2-4 who eventually had a falling out with and another primary 4-5 and again another falling out over my child’s behaviour. Behaviour issues reported from school with her social behaviour, school keep flagging ND. We have paid for two private assessments where they have said they don’t see anything. I see it, school see it and also family history but I have spent thousands and I don’t want to keep paying until I can label it. I just want help in what to do to make it better.

had a big chat before Easter term after she fell out with her last remaining friend and I explained that every action has a reaction and unless she controls her behaviour the natural consequence is no one is going to want to be her friend (as I have explained 1000 times before)

she’s seems to have listened to what I said and seems like considerable better behaviour and attitude since, it seems like she is really trying although she finds it difficult but it now feels too little too late

she’s now at that point from April-now not a single friend, zero interaction outside of school, no one wanted to sit with her to school trip yesterday on bus there and back. She’s miserable. I have been engaging with school and they don’t seem to have any ideas. I am beyond stressed seeing my child so unhappy for months and I don’t know what to do.

I moved her from a small country school to a bigger city school at start of primary 2 as I hoped bigger class sizes would help the issue which it did slightly so she’s already on second school. Do I hope that a move again helps her with a fresh start now she seems to have learned her lesson?

please no comments of “you should have parented better” I have other children who don’t have these issues at all, are kind and sociable with other children.

You're probably right that she's burnt her bridges at that school but moving to a new school for just 1(?) more year of primary is pretty risky. It's a hard time to make friends for kids with a lot of well practiced social skills. If you can get through next year and into a secondary that fewer of her current school go to she might have a better chance at a fresh start?

Can you, instead, find some after school activities in areas kids from the school are unlikely to go to?

I hope you find a way to help her. It's miserable seeing your kids hurting.

It does look to me like your tendency has been to withdraw her from social situations. So maybe she needs to be left for a bit - there are organic social lessons that can't be taught by a parent.
I also agree with looking for out-of-school activites that interest her. Adding new places to meet people rather than disrupting school setting again.

What other ND traits do you see? If eg you are convinced it may be ASD maybe look on ASD forums for advice on how to help her? Is she anxious such that she has to control situations all the time?

OP, there doesn’t always have to be a diagnosis, some kids especially girls are just not very nice.

Hopefully, she’ll learn from this for when she goes to secondary school and can turn things around.

Awww bless you this must be hard, im sure she will find her people at secondary school 💚

I think you need to push the school to do more. Social exclusion is not acceptable and they have a role to support her. Whether or not an nd diagnosis is at the root of her difficulties with her social skills, there's a need you can all see. She doesn't want to be socially isolated, she's a child who needs help and support.

School could be offering more structure to their playtimes, dc who struggle with social skills often do better with an adult-led activity. Things like a "buddy bench" might help, as might careful though about seating plans and pshe lessons on how the group can get along better.

Outside school, you can provide more opportunities for making friends through organised groups - brownies/guides might work, or a sports activity. You're also more likely to find other nd dc in certain activities that might get along with her better - gaming clubs for example.