AIBU to feel resentful about my distant and disengaged family?

[josh555]

In my mid 20s, and living in London after graduating and getting a job in the city currently. I really like my life generally, and things are going well.

However, one thing that bugs me now on a near daily basis is how lazy and disengaged my family is both on my mum and dad's side. When I first joined the corporate workforce, I was in disbelief hearing about how other families arrange to meet on a semi regular basis WITHOUT being prompted or needing a "special reason" such as a major life event. And also hearing about how others extended family such as grandparents or aunts make a conscious effort to see them and be interested in their life rather than zero/superficial interest.

My entire life my family outside of my parents has been frankly disinterested in engaging with anyone outside of their immediate family circle (immediate meaning their own children for example) and I have formed no emotional bond with them, and to be honest I don't actually love them at all. I know this sounds horrid, and I feel horrible saying it, but when I think of them I either feel irriration or nothing at all.

I always think about how if all the adults in my family had put even the slightest amount of effort into bringing us together when we were younger we could have had a solid family unit, but instead it was just a long line of excuses and ignorance. And for context, whilst certain family members had mental health issues, these were nothing out of the realms of normal and other than this all adults in the family had typical stable middle class lives.

I can't tell if my irritation is justified or if I am just spoilt/comparing myself?

You are now an adult you want them so plan things yourself

YANBU, I think there is a term for this "low effort families" - probably quite a bit of information online if you wanted to dissect it further to better understand it and the impact.

But you’re the one who wants to see them and bond — as @PollyBell says, you organise something?

I get it, OP.

Build you own family of friends. I’ve long found my friends to be my family much more than blood.

I don’t think OP
Actually wants to start bonding, it’s too late, she just wishes her extended family cared more and enjoyed a closer relationship.
OP has a low effort family as someone above mentioned.

I come from a low effort immediate family. You’re entitled to feel this way - over the years I’ve went through so many emotions with regards to them. If I made plans they would show up 1-1.5 hours late or not at all and I used to feel too embarrassed to speak about them when others were talking about the nice things they do with their families. I healed when I had my own kids, although to begin with I had a lot of anger inside as guess what… they weren’t interested in my kids either. I’m actually open and honest with people now about them and through that I’ve met some lovely others who are in the same position and we support each other and make plans together just like other ‘normal’ families do

Honestly I think you would be best off not dwelling on it and enjoying the life you have built yourself. That might sound harsh, but i am saying this as someone in a similar position I think. I'm not really close with my family. Siblings a lot older so we didn't grow up together. Rarely saw any wider family aside from my nans who died when I was quite young (grandads died before I was born). Never did anything with wider family. So the only events I ever attended were my siblings weddings.

You are focusing on others having a different, better experience than you. And i get it. My best friend has a wonderful family - close with her siblings; close with the wider family; loads of family gatherings. In fact I've been to more of her family gatherings than my own! But for all the wonderful, supportive families, there are as many absolutely awful ones! So while it might have been nice to form wonderful, close, lifelong connections....it might not!

As others said, you are an adult now. So if you want to start forming those bonds then go ahead and try. But it could end up being a case of be careful what you wish for. As the saying goes, 'you can choose your friends....'

You could try to meet the extended family and say how you feel to them. It's possible (only possible, there could be many reasons) that your parents didn't bother to encourage a relationship despite the grandparents wanting to, and some parents do actively stop the child having a relationship with them.
But there are many people in their 20s who no longer have grandparents/any extended family, so you won't be teh only one who has to prioritise friendships.

Similar experiences. Both my mum and dad come from large families but neither close. No big falling out, just slightly strained dynamics, nothing beyond a birthday message and never saw each other unless it was a funeral. In both cases my parents were younger siblings and both felt like odd one out/black sheep in their families.

I would say I feel a pang of sadness and loneliness seeing other extended families together at Christmas etc. I'm an only child as well so family life has always looked very small to me.

Honestly I've spent more time with friends and building a life that I like. My mum has since sadly passed away and I've actually become closer to her siblings since and keep in touch more regularly. My dad's side i am very apathetic towards as they have never bothered with me and yet my dad was surprised when I didn't want to invite his family to my wedding and would rather have friends I actually see and speak to!

Same here but it’s never bothered me tbh. I saw aunts, cousins etc once or twice a year growing up but once both my grandparents were dead by the time I was 20, my mum and her siblings just stopped bothering. Nowadays if I saw my aunt/uncle or cousin we'd probably walk past each other in the street with no idea who the other was. There’s no one on my dad’s side (death, estrangement).

I definitely don’t love my extended family but I don’t feel bad about that. I don’t know them! I’m indifferent to them in the same way I am about a stranger I pass by on the street. But hearing about stifling family obligations from friends with bigger more involved families, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that. I’m sure there are big families out there who genuinely all love each other and enjoy spending time together, but from what I hear from people I know it’s often less about simply liking each other and more about expectations and internal politics. Being related to people is no guarantee of closeness. I’d rather have complete freedom to pick and choose who’s in my life without someone moaning that Aunty Rose was upset I didn’t invite her to my birthday party.

Some families are just like that. My family is fairly low effort, it doesn't bother me and it doesn't make us lazy.

I understand this completely. I have first cousins I have never met. A fractured set of silent /Boomer generation siblings led to little or no engagement with all us Gen X/ millennial cousins. Sadly it's too late to form meaningful relationships with them.

I’m not terribly keen on the rest of my family so have put little effort into ensuring my DC have a relationship with them. We see them at Christmas and occasional birthdays so they at least know who they are!