AIBU to want more space in my partner's life?

[TangoMarble]

Looking for some honest perspective.

I’ve been with my partner for close to 5 years. We live separately. He has two teens (nearly 16 and nearly 18) who he has for 50% of the time. He is a genuinely lovely, good man, but I feel stuck on the periphery of his life, even though he woukd say I am anything but peripheral

I am far from perfect. I am independent, work long hours, and I have cancelled time together mid week due to work. He is always incredibly easy-going about this, but also we have talked about it and I have said I will try not to do this and if I have an unavoidable event then perhaps we could arrange a different day.

From my perspective I feel peripheral to his life a lot of the time. It can be great when it is just the two of us, but tbh this is becoming more difficult because it feels like my peripheral/invisibility is taking over my brain. I am usually calm and he regularly says things like me being strong and always thinking I will be ok. However I feel this is being used as an excuse to ignore my emotional needs. I am open about my needs and thoughts but I am not dramatic, and I think in the past and with his daughter he responds to drama. I have said this doesnt make my needs less.

The main issues:

1. The Ex: He was still living with her when we met (she was in another relationship and they are now married). I’ve had to flag basic boundaries over the years (like taking her photo off his TV screensaver). He still responds to her non-logistical texts immediately, even when we are out on dates or away for the weekend. He says he has to maintain a good relationship with her (which I get), but also that he responds to everyone immediately. Things have massively moved on but I feel I have managed this quite a lot in terms of quite reasonable boundaries, and I don't like that he allows non-emergency or even non-logistical kids things to interupt our time together.

1. Him and his kids feeling like a fixed unit that I have to flex around rather than be part of. Eg on hols last year an activity I suggested was turned into, u go and do that while we three do something else (in contrast to other activities like shopping with his teens being must dos). I don't leave stuff at his house because either it goes missing or in the past his daughter has helped herself to it.

I’ve tried talking gently. Last August, post holiday, I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and asking to feel visible and central(not the 1st time I raised this). I am very clear that I am not in competition wuth his kids and not expecting to be prioritised above them. What I don't understand is why space can't be made for me (and us!) alongside.

Recently, I reached a breaking point and ugly-cried/screamed in frustration (this is very unlike me). He was completely baffled.

When we last spoke about this, he said he "doesn't know what integration looks like" and "it's up to the kids." He also noted that our sex life has fallen off a cliff. I told him that feeling disconnected makes sex feel mechanical, and he said leaving my things at his house wouldn't help (I explained it really would, if I felt included).

Am I expecting too much to want to feel like an equal priority? Or am I being unreasonable given my own busy work life and independence? I have said no to living together and explained that there is no space made for me within the household to do this. This is a good man. We do have fun together and we can talk for hours. But this is becoming a bigger and bigger elephant. AIBU?

From another perspective. My DP has grown up kids, while I have a young teen who is with me 90% of the time. MY DP comes over to my place on weekends. He is integrated into our lives, and gets along really well with my DC, but my teen and I often do things by ourselves, and my child will always be my priority. I will often persuade my DC to do an activity DP suggests - because i think it would be a good thing to do (active/outdoorsy stuff), but if not, my reaction would also be to say, I stay with DC and you go do your thing. DP respects and accepts that. I imagine he could argue that he feels on the periphery of my life, but he doesn't - he knows things will evolve as my child grows older and more independent. I think you have to take the long view here, and accept that his kids will be his priority when they are with him, and kid-related messages will be a priority when they are not with him. And, that this will change as they grow up and leave home (and it is soon, in your case). That is absolutely the case with me. If I were you, I would focus on spending time with him when he does not have his kids, leave things at his place that you don't mind his daughter using (or put it in a locked/private drawer in his bedroom). And, let the relationship evolve organically.

Your emotional needs are not being met and when you’ve tried to explain this, he acted baffled. I wound be questioning the relationship. What is the future here? Are you ever planning to live together? Have you discussed having children?

why not see him on the days he doesn’t have his kids

This is the issue with women who meet men with children when they’re (presumably) child free themselves. You’re expecting him to put you first sometimes but his children will ALWAYS come first because, by the sounds of things, he’s a really thoroughly decent dad. If you want to be first in someone’s life, date someone without kids.

You want to be equal priority to his kids? If he's a decent parent, he should absolutely not be having his girlfriend be equal to his kids.
Why not just enjoy dating? Date other men-or none at all, enjoy life.

I always think a lot more acceptance is typically required of men who are dating women with children. The women typically have their children most of the time, so most of the time together is on the periphery of parenting. If you are dating a man who sees his kids 50% of the time or every other weekend, see them the time they are child-free.

Have you posted before? It’s sounding very familiar.

I don’t think you are compatible.

I’ve seen this. A man I knew moved in with his partner and they later married. He missed his own children and somehow had to cope with that whilst living with someone else and with her daughters, who resented him. I’d never before realised how hard it is for men in this situation.

You will never be an equal priority. His kids will always come first and rightly so.
But YANBU to want to be a key priority in a relationship. Best to throw this one back in the sea.

Unfortunately I think he just isn’t willing / able to offer you the space in his life that you need to be happy. Made worse by him not seeming to even understand why you might need it.

There’s a vague chance that as his children move into adulthood things will improve but given the current trend for young adults living at home for years, I don’t think this is realistic to even hope for.

It may well be that your relationship has run its course. You want more than he can give. Neither of you are right or wrong. I think after 5 years that you’ve reached the point where this just isn’t enough for you and that’s quite normal.

OP, my husband has an ex and 2 now grown up DC and he would respond to messages from his ex pretty quickly because if she messaged, it would be about the kids and therefore important. Even if it wasn't about the kids, as mother of the kids, her well being is important to us all so he'd respond in case she needed something. They don't have a close social relationship but if she ever needed anything we would both do whatever we could to help. I don't see this as diminishing my relationship with him and I don't feel we are in competition in any way. The DC are really important to us all.

However, we are married and share a DC also. I do make a conscious effort to give him space to see older DC without me always being there as I think that's important too. They might want some time just with their dad without anyone else around.

He sounds like a great dad and I find that an attractive quality but having a relationship with children involved does involve sharing and not always being the priority. I think even when the kids are your own this is the case.

This relationship with the constant juggle of the needs of DC does not sound like it is currently suiting you, and that is very reasonable. You need to choose the sort of relationship you want.

Is it possible that you feel a bit slighted by his commitment to his children? What would you like long term? Do you want to live with him at some point in the future? Would that need to be when the kids have moved out?

It is horrible to be feeling you're not getting what you need in a relationship so I am very sorry you are feeling like this. Perhaps if you need someone who can always put you first and drop everything, this man is not the one for you. He sounds steady, kind and committed to his children but that might not be what you need. Or you might need to both clarify your expectations and see if you can reframe his commitment to his children as being separate to his relationship with you rather than in competition with it. Was I right in picking up a bit of tension between you and the kids? The decision not to leave anything of yours there suggests all is not ideal from your perspective but do correct me if I've imagined that.

YABU to think that you can be an equal priority with his kids. They come first. But you should be a close second.

The answering messages thing really depends on how often they're coming through. If it's all the time then, yes, maybe there is an issue with boundaries. If it's just occasionally then I think it's reasonable that he answers as soon as he can.

I have to agree with PPs that he is not doing anything wrong here. However maybe it just isn't the relationship for you - being with someone with children is always going to be like this, his kids will always come first as they should. I'm a single parent and now dating, and I'm not really interested in childfree people because I know I can't give as much as they will (totally reasonably) want. It requires a huge amount of understanding on the childfree person's part and that is very difficult.

As another PP said though, can you not just see him on his childfree days? Or keep things there in a locked drawer/cupboard? The other thing I note is that you say he wanted you to move in but you didn't want to because of feeling on the periphery. I think you'd actually become more involved and central if you did move in, however that would also come with more of a stepmum type role, so it depends if you are willing to take that on.

I disagree with PP’s, when it comes to being a priority it’s not an either or. He can make you feel like a priority as well as his DC’s if he wants to. The problem here is that he doesn’t.

You can blend your lives and given his DC’s aren’t with him full time, and are teenagers with their own lives, he should be more responsive to you stating what you need from him. If a letter didn’t work, nothing will. He simply doesn’t want to change anything.

So you can continue to feel like this or leave. I didn’t stick this out continually for 5 years, I left beforehand. But I do know that some men want to put as little effort as possible in and still get their needs met. He sounds like one of them, however lovely he can be. He’s not actually being lovely when his actions after 5 years suggest you’re still just dating.

The reality of a decent father is that, especially when they are young, their needs have to come before your wants. This is hard but necessary.

if however you find yourself in the situation where you are, for example. In deep crisis, maybe you’ve had a big operation and DP has agreed to look after you and drive you home, but let’s you know last minute he can’t do it as he’s offered to have the kids ‘extra’ for no reason other than they asked to go to the cinema and mum said it’s ok for him to take them on her time, then you have a problem. Occasionally it will come up that an adult need should come before a child’s want. If he literally cannot meet any of your needs ever, then he’s not the right partner.

YANBU but neither is he, he is prioritising his children (as he should), that isnt enough for you (which is valid) and your needs are not being met, that doesn't mean you're in the wrong and you need to change, its just that the relationship isnt delivering what you need.

You have different priorities. You will never be central in a relationship where the other partner has children; the children will always and should be central.

A reason why some people decide not to have a relationship people who have children. You'll always be second fiddle to the children, and the ex (to some extent), if thats not what you want then you need to walk away.

Thanks for the replies. To answer some queries, no I haven't posted before. Also, no, there isn't tension with his kids. But I do feel that it doesn't really matter if I am around or not (yes I have made a lot of effort, both in the mundane and in the important stuff). It all feels a bit of a one way slog, and my struggle here is why my partner doesnt really help me here, in finding a place to be. I get what people are saying, that I am second fiddle and this is how it should be, but I only get it to a point, so I guess I need to sit with this for a while. It makes me very sad if we can't make this work.