I feel like mum should've rang today (trigger warning, death of parent)

[Rosesinbloom2026]

Dad died a few years ago, this is the second father's day without him. He was late 60s

I speak to mum about 3-4 times a week, sometimes less if I am busy with work. I only physically see her every few weeks as she lives 30 mins away. Sometimes she will say that I don't check in with her enough compared to other siblings, but I don't take this to heart too much.

Since my father's death, she has struggled immensely with her grief and has relied a lot on me and my siblings to air her feelings and cry. She will often talk about not wanting to be here anymore but always then says she would never go through with it.

I've tried to get her to seek support - eg a grief counsellor, which she did for a few weeks - join clubs to make friends to help with the loneliness, and to talk to her GP about other options to help lift her mood. She hasn't done the latter 2.

I've started to feel recently that over the past 2 years, she hasn't ever asked how I'm dealing with the loss of dad, or even asked if I miss him. Truth be told I have 2 young kids and a high up job, so I've kind of just buried my grief and got on with it. I have wobbles some days, but I have never told my mum because I don't want to put her mind back on it when she appears distracted and in a good mood.

I haven't spoken to her today as I have been busy with the kids and DH. Usually on father's day, I'd have gone to see my dad. I just spoke to a sibling and she said that mum is annoyed at me because I haven't rang her to see how she's coping today. This has upset me more than I expected, as I actually think that for two days of the year where a grieving parent puts their grief secondary to their children's, it's mother's day or father's day.

Should I address this with her? She doesn't react to criticism well and I don't want to make her feel worse, but at the same time, it's really upset me that she doesn't think it would be nice for her to check in today rather than the other way around

Really sorry you’re dealing with this, YANBU at all. She’s obviously struggling, but her grief doesn’t cancel out yours and you’re allowed to feel hurt that shes not even considering you in this.

You deserve support just as much as she does, and it’s okay to get tired of being the emotional punching bag, especially when the support doesn’t go both ways.

im always someone who likes to air how I feel but I get you might feel a little on eggshells. If you do want to address it though I bet you’ve got a really good sounding board here. Xx

You deserve support. You lost your dad. She lost her husband. I appreciate you don’t want her to feel worse but your feeling are valid.

She sounds very self centred, and clearly doesn’t realise it’s her who should be asking how her children are coping on father’s day. My mum is pretty self centred too. If she says anything to you, i’d be saying oh yes I was upset too that you didn’t check in on me as he was my father after all and it’s fathers day not husband day.

If she isn’t willing to seek support for her grief and to cope without her dh it isn’t on you to solely provide that.
she sounds like she’s wallowing in the grief and not thinking of anyone else.
i would address it with her.

Im very sorry for your loss and how you’re feeling but I honestly think that it is up to you to ring your mum today rather than the other way round. I don’t think I ever missed a year of ringing my mum on my dad’s birthday or the anniversary of his death until she developed dementia. My dad was my father for 30 years until he died but he was my mums soulmate for over 40 years. I had my husband to be with every night, but she had lost thst they day my dad died.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 26 years ago and he was also late 60s. I always sent flowers to my mum on the anniversary of his death, but it would never have occurred to me to phone her on Father’s Day.
your mum’s grief seems very raw still and I don’t think there is anything to be gained by addressing this issue with her.
Difficult day for both of you.

Sorry but I think YABU.

I’ve lost both parents and a life partner and the death of a partner is far harder in my experience. Try not to get competitive about the grief as it doesn’t do either of you any favours.

Sorry YABU, but so is your mum.

You lost your dad. But she also lost her husband. You come across poorly in this post like she needs to get over her grief and instead validate yours.

I think you could both benefit from some therapy.

But it’s Father’s Day today, not his birthday or anniversary of his death. Her mum is the spouse not the daughter. To have your mum recognise you are grieving too today seems important to me.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

The only unreasonable thing is saying that 30 mins travelling time means you only see your mum every few weeks! Do you think that might be pissing her off?

Thanks.

I knew I'd get a 50/50 response and the poll also seems to have gone that way. My intention is not to turn grief into a competition, it's just that I've listened and tried to support her throughout the year, while at the same time, listen to her say that I don't ring her or see enough when she knows I'm knee deep in kids and schools and career. I've never argued with her when she says it as I'd rather just feel shit about it rather than make her feel shit about saying it.
Initially when my sibling said she was annoyed with me about it today, my reaction was guilt, but then I sat with my thoughts for a bit and I just didn't understand why she wouldn't appreciate today was hard for me and my siblings .

I probably won't address it unless she says it to me herself when I ring her tomorrow

I try and go in the working week but I go to the office so it's difficult to pop in on a week day. I'd be quite happy and able to pop in for half an hour every Saturday or Sunday but she makes comments if it's only for half an hour, she expects me to stay all day, or sometimes the night. So I leave a gap of a few weeks so that I can spend the whole day with her. The weekends are my only days to spend time with my kids, DH and catch up on housework so I can't spend 6 hours every Saturday with her

if OP is young enough to have kids in school and her dad was in his late sixties when he died not long ago, then her mum is likely barely over (or not yet reached) retirement age herself rather than the feeble geriatric you seem to be envisioning - perfectly capable of making a half hour journey herself half the time if she wants to see her dd more often!

YANBU. It sounds like you support your mum a fair bit so it would have been nice for her to be the one supporting you just this once. Don’t feel guilty, you are doing what you can and your mum has your other siblings to lean on too.

Sorry for your loss.

I think every situation is different.

My dad also died a few years ago, and my mum fell apart. She has aged dreadfully and also just doesn’t want to be here. I struggle to be sympathetic because they led pretty separate lives and she was not at all bothered about him while he was here.

Yet since he died it is all about her and her grief. Neither of us contacted each other yesterday. Like you, I feel that I support her with her grief all year round and I don’t feel that she needs any special consideration on Fathers Day. From her point of view, it wouldn’t have crossed her mind to consider how I was feeling on Fathers Day and would never reach out even if she did.

She has sent me a message this morning asking me to collect her dry cleaning. No mention of it, and I wouldn’t expect it.

It’s a shame, but it’s just what I’m used to. She very much has main character syndrome and for the past few years she’s playing the role of grieving widow. She has had friends lose their husbands in the past few years since dad died but that’s insignificant to her. In her mind she’s still the recently bereaved widow of the group. I suspect she has some form of neurodiversity going on and it’s getting worse as she gets older. Not sure what I can do.

Grief is not a competition, you're both struggling and mutual support would be the ideal.

The biggest thing here is you’ve never told her how YOU are feeling and buried your grief. Perhaps if you told her, actually mum I’m struggling a lot more than you think I am. Then perhaps she would understand.

She has lost her husband, you’ve lost your dad. Both huge losses, incomparable.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but speaking as a widow I found the second year after his death so much harder than the first. Much much harder and from talking to with the widowed friends I have made through our local hospice walking group the vast majority of us found the same thing. You said it is the second Father's Day without your dad so maybe some of the two year glitch is coming into it for your mum too?